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♪ ♪
♪ In My Life What I Thought Could never be ♪
♪ Is Alive And It Is Better than a dream ♪
♪ Never Thought I'd surrender to desire ♪
♪ Hey, Hey Your place or mine ♪
♪ We Have Danced Like Two moths around a flame ♪
♪ Never Touching 'Cause We've always been afraid ♪
♪ But I Know What I Need With you I'll find ♪
♪ Hey, Hey Your place or mine ♪
♪ Dim The Lights And pour the wine ♪
♪ If It's Your Place Or it's my place ♪
♪ I Don't Think I really care ♪
♪ Just As Long As You Are there until tomorrow ♪
♪ Is It Your Place Is it my place ♪
♪ We Can Find Love Anywhere ♪
♪ Think Of Everything We'll share for all tomorrows ♪
♪ There's So Much That Devotion has to give ♪
♪ When Desire Makes Two people want to live ♪
♪ When It Feels Like It's Real Well, that's a sign ♪
♪ Hey, Hey Your place or mine ♪
♪ Dim The Lights And pour the wine ♪
♪ We've Been Waiting For forever ♪
♪ Now We Know Where we belong ♪
♪ And As Long As We're together ♪
♪ We Know We will be strong ♪
♪ Love Goes On And On
♪ And On
So what brings you around? You're my older brother.
There's something I want to discuss with you. You're in trouble.
Why do you always think that I'm in trouble? What do you want to talk about?
Oh... Life.
It's a bowl of cherries, haven't you heard?
You want to talk about your cherries or mine?
I ran into carol levinson today. Really?
I thought she ran away to jamaica with that asshole what's-his-name.
Lionel. he left her. She wasn't in very good shape.
Michael, if you're about to apologize, forget it.
I dated her in college. I don't care whether you took her to bed.
You know something, tommy? Maybe you don't know me as well as you think you do.
What's wrong with me? Why can't I have a cup of coffee...
With a woman without winding up in bed with her?
You want a scientific explanation?
You send out signals, like animal odors.
Only yours say, "you are beautiful, you are wonderful,
you are the only woman on earth for me."
I have to stop. Well, I'm sorry, junior.
Science has not developed a cure. They're not even working on it.
I don't want to be that kind of person.
Think of it as a birth defect.
Mom had two kids. one scientist and one a nymphomaniac. That's not funny, tommy.
You think I like spending half my life in other people's showers? I don't.
I don't like using strange soap and strange shampoo and running out afterwards with wet hair.
I don't like making excuses and hurting people, and I don't like feeling guilty.
You know something else? On top of that, the sex isn't even that good.
Ah, the paradox unfolds.
The sex is not that good but you always go back for more.
Why, one may ask? Well, I'll tell you.
It's something every animal knows deep inside.
What's that? Even bad sex is good.
I'm gonna stop, tommy. How?
I don't know, but I have to. Why?
Are you coming to the family picnic sunday? It's at my house, asshole.
Ah, well, I'll tell you then.
[ Children shouting playfully ]
[ Woman ] All right. It was a good shot.
That's the way, sarah. Keep your eye on the ball.
Good girl. All right.
Nice shot.
Come on, donna. Come on. hustle.
Come on in, girls. You okay, donna? Come on.
Listen to me very carefully.
The name of the game is field hockey, not homicide.
There's no need to kill the ball.
All you have to do is meet it gently. The stick will do the rest.
And when you're heading for the net, remember one thing.
We're gonna win if we play out of here, not down there.
Okay, that's it, girls. Good practice.
Hi, baby.
Hey, I was watching you practice.
Oo, you must have been a hell of a player in your day, huh?
Hey, you know, as I was watching you defend that goal,
one question kept popping into my mind.
Yeah? what was that?
I was wondering if you were half as good in the sack as you were at that net.
I happen to be considerably better.
Well, is there anyway I can check this out, maybe firsthand?
Yeah. You'd have to catch me.
[ Michael laughing ]
I ran the 440 in college.
I bet you were real fast in your day.
Well, my day isn't over, if you care to try.
I hate to humiliate grown men.
I'll make it easy for ya.
I'll give you a five-second head start, on one condition.
Yeah? What's that?
If I catch you, I take you.
[ Michael ] On the spot.
Start counting.
One, two... I said I was fast, not honest.
Oh.
No, not here! Oh yes, right here.
You can't!
You always cheat.
And I always will. As long as I get you in the end.
[ Laughing ]
[ Shower running ]
[ Michael ] Katherine? [ Katherine ] Huh?
I want to ask you something. I can't hear you.
Well, I guess it doesn't matter anyway.
I wanted to know if you'd marry me.
[ Shower stops ]
- you want to marry me? - Yeah.
For better or worse,
in sickness and in health?
- Uh-huh. - 'til death do us part?
Yeah, the whole shot. The works. what do ya say?
Let me sleep on it.
I just think it's time, that's all. What do you mean, time?
It's time. it's time to settle down.
To make a pact against the world,
to defend ourselves against the ravages of old age and loneliness.
You don't make it sound very appetizing.
I didn't say it was appetizing. I said it was time.
How do you know it's the right time? Instinct.
Like going south for the winter?
All right, if you don't want to marry me, just say so.
I think we should live together longer.
Longer.
We've been living together for years. Years?
We've been living together for ten months.
Well, it seems like years.
Ow! [ Laughing ]
Ow! ooh!
Look, I'm through fooling around. No more Mr. Nice guy.
I want an answer and I want it now. Is that a threat?
No, it's a proposal. Oh.
I would like to know before the picnic tomorrow.
Why? you gonna make an announcement in front of the whole family?
I thought I'd pass a note around. What do you think? Cute.
I think you're rushing me. I am not! You have 16 hours left.
What's the matter? Aren't you ready to settle down? Yeah, I'm ready.
I just wonder if you are. What is that supposed to mean?
Look around, michael. The world is full of women.
How do you know you won't find somebody better than me?
Somebody with more style, more intelligence, more sex appeal.
Where you going? You convinced me. I wanna keep looking.
Michael, you can look for the rest of your life,
but you'll never find anybody better for you than me.
I know that! That's why I want you to be my wife.
So why didn't you say that in the first place?
Why don't you just say yes?
Yes. All right, all right. I'll marry you.
[ Laughing ] Is that what this was all about? Yes.
Why didn't you tell me then? I thought you'd tell me that I was crazy.
I wouldn't have said that. No. No?
I would've used a clinical term, like temporary insanity.
Thanks a lot. Michael,
there is such a thing as the fine print in a marriage contract about fidelity.
You don't have much faith in love, do you, tommy?
I have faith in love. It's your mating habits where I'm a little weak.
As far as my mating habits are concerned, from now on,
they will be restricted to one woman.
[ Laughing ] Yeah? Yeah.
How do you plan to bring about this little miracle?
Are you going to tie a knot in it? Will power.
Will power.
Is that the same "will power" you used to stop smoking?
That's different. I enjoy smoking.
Why do you always talk about giving it up? It's bad for my health.
So is adultery, if you get caught.
Katherine is a nice girl. You don't want to hurt her, do you?
No, and I'm not going to.
The minute the ring goes on my finger, I'll never touch another woman.
You think so? I know so.
Well, as long as you're committed to this, I might as well take advantage of it.
Here's 82 dollars that says you can't do it.
That's a lousy bet. Well, think of it as an incentive.
Sooner or later the temptation is going to become tremendous.
I don't know how far love can take you, but I know you would do anything...
Rather than lose a bet to me. You're right.
[ Woman ] We are nearing the end of the 20th century.
The war between the sexes is over.
[ Michael ] You want to take it from the top?
We are nearing the end of the 20th century.
The war between the sexes is over.
A truce has been called and an armistice signed.
Equality has been won for women.
Right? You wanna try it again, nancy?
[ Nancy sobbing ]
Nancy.
Look, we're in no great hurry here.
We have a very rich sponsor.
And as we all know, great art is not created overnight.
But I'm just not cut out for this.
I've used up all my savings, I've gone through unemployment...
And now I don't even have bus fare back to bangor.
I know auditioning is tough, but you'll get the hang of it after a few times.
This is my 234th time. [ Sobbing continues ]
Well, I can tell you right now what your problem is.
What? You have to stop taking "no" for an answer.
[ Girls chattering ]
How was your day? Well, it was long.
It took me all day to convince these taber tool people to use this girl I wanted.
Another hardship case? Okay, let me guess. She was an orphan. No.
Her parents were orphans, and...
it was just a little inexperience, that's all. Well, michael,
if you insist on being the good samaritan of madison avenue,
you're going to have to learn to take your punishment with a grain of salt.
I took four aspirin instead. How was your day?
I told the kids we were getting married. Oh, yeah?
How'd they take it? They wept openly. [ Chuckles ]
Speaking of tears, have you broken the news to wally yet?
We're seeing walter tonight after the concert. Oh, what fun.
He's bringing his new girlfriend. Yeah, you know,
I got a hunch he's going to take it worse than your class.
That's unfair. Walter likes you very much. Are you serious?
He likes you more than he used to. He'd like me better dead.
Don't be silly. Incapacitated, maybe, but not dead.
$2.40. I still don't understand what's wrong with the one we have.
We're even. Nothing.
I just think every marriage should start out with a fresh bed.
I gotta call the office. Let me meet you upstairs. Okay, great.
How was your day? It was the easiest first day I've ever had.
No problems, huh? No, and everybody was so nice.
I'll take her. Let me. I can use the experience.
All right. See you tomorrow. Bye.
Hi. Hi.
It's a wonderful bed you're looking at. Yeah.
It looks great.
Extremely comfortable.
Why don't you try it. Thank you.
Oh, I like it. I like it.
You can lie down. Thank you.
Oh, yes, this is very comfortable.
I could fall asleep. It's the most comfortable bed we have here.
Oo, it looks comfortable. Oh, it is comfortable.
It's the most comfortable bed we have here. Really?
- Miss, do you mind if I try? - No.
Not at all. Okay. Whoo-hoo.
Scoot over.
- Oh, it's nice. - Uh, excuse me. Excuse me.
I can't really get the feel unless the covers are up, you know what I mean?
- Excuse me. - Ah, ah, don't worry.
I'll take my shoes off. [ Chuckles ]
There.
Ahhh, yeah.
Well, as long as we're in bed together, my name is michael.
Hi, michael. Katherine.
Katherine. Nice name. Oh, thanks.
You know, it's kind of bright in here, isn't it?
Uh, no, not at all.
Yeah, it's hard to get an idea what it would be like at night.
In the dark. I got an idea.
What? [ Laughing ]
- oh, god. - hey, did you ever do it in a store?
Uh, excuse me. You can't do that here. [ Katherine giggling ]
[ Drum rolling ]
♪ [ Classical ]
♪ [ Ends ]
You look so handsome. You look beautiful.
Katherine was at juilliard when I was teaching there.
Oh, do you play? Well, they didn't think so at juilliard.
Don't listen to her. She's a very fine pianist.
- What made you give it up? - I didn't. I still play for fun.
I just didn't want to make a career out of it. I always wanted to teach school.
I got your message. What's the big news?
Tell him. Well, uh...
Katherine and I have been together a long time now, and...
You know how I feel about katherine.
And, uh, she feels the same way about me. so, uh...
well, uh... he's making an honest woman of me.
Well, congratulations.
This calls for a celebration. [ Michael ] Absolutely.
Uh, waiter. We would like a bottle of...
champagne.
Your very best champagne.
Excuse me. I'm out of cigarettes.
Uh, excuse me. I think I'll go powder my nose.
All right, walter, the truth.
- I'm very happy for you. - You don't approve, do you?
Approve? I think that's your father's territory.
Walter, I really wanna know what you think. It's very important to me.
I think...
Marriage is a very difficult proposition these days.
There seems to be a shortage of what my mother used to call "marriage material."
You don't think I qualify? It's michael I'm worried about.
Sneaking one?
No, I was out. Do you mind?
I didn't think people who played wind instruments smoked.
They don't.
I have two a day.
One after a concert and one after sex.
Ah. What about you?
Me, I uh... Smoke constantly.
I try to quit once a month, but I can't seem to put 'em down.
Well, the body rebels when you try to deny its basic needs.
Never thought of it that way.
You must admit there's something very...
Erotic about smoking.
The way a cigarette feels between your fingers,
the way it touches your lips.
I even dream about them occasionally. Yeah, me too.
Sometimes, in the middle of the day,
I'll get the most uncontrollable urge.
I'll go into my room and turn out all the lights and smoke a pack.
Thought you only smoked two a day.
I cheat.
It won't bite.
How does it feel? Strange.
The fit. Oh.
Well, it's too tight.
Doesn't look too tight. Well, it is.
It makes me feel claustrophobic.
Sir, you've tried on every size we make.
Perhaps you should let your psychiatrist fit you.
Just give him an extra large. He has to be able to get it off fast.
Hello there.
I've been waiting for you.
I want to talk to you about your bed.
[ Giggles ] For years people have been buying mattresses to sleep on.
But let's face it, we do a lot more in bed than sleep.
"Downon" was developed with just that in mind.
Made from a special blend of soft canadian goose down...
And fortified with strong american nylon.
So if you want to get more fun out of bed,
get downon.
For people who do more than sleep at night. [ Giggles softly ]
Cut it. okay, everybody, that's a wrap.
[ Downon girl ] You all right, michael? Yeah, sure. why?
You seem very tense today. Yeah.
You're full of tension. Are you worried about something?
As a matter of fact, yeah. I thought so.
Okay, lay down on your stomach.
Why? I can see the tension in your back from 50 feet away.
Come on. Down on the floor.
Down, down, down.
Oh, yes. [ Moans ]
Fibers like steel.
Very, very tense.
All right, relax.
Close your eyes.
- Oh, boy. - What's the matter?
I found a big hard one right here in the middle.
Do you feel that? I think so.
Well, don't you worry.
We're gonna get it softer...
And smaller.
Softer and smaller.
Dad, what time is it?
I'm sorry.
All right, katherine. You and your father can start now.
Sorry, I'm late. I got held up at the office.
I'm sorry.
Glad you could make it. I got tied up at work.
I'll bet you did. Why is it you always think the worst of me?
Science is the art of observation.
You've got lip gloss on your ears.
All right, everybody. Take one. here comes the bride.
Nothing happened before the rehearsal. Don't get so defensive.
Fidelity takes time. You've got six days to practice.
I'm under a lot of pressure, but I'm gonna go through with this, so don't try to change my mind.
I wouldn't dream of it. I love katherine. She loves me.
We belong together. Love is apples. Marriage is oranges.
Not everybody can stomach fruit cocktail.
Well, I plan to learn. [ Laughing ] How?
Do you have a plan? Do you have a strategy? Do you have anything?
Do you plan to push through life like a bull in a china shop and hope you don't break anything?
Maybe I should see a doctor. What for?
I mean a psychiatrist.
What do you need a shrink for? You've got me. You haven't been a lot of help.
I've given this matter a great deal of thought in the last few days.
I've come up with a very interesting approach.
Well, tell me! I'll try anything. Good.
The first thing I want you to do is get a notebook. What for?
Every time you see a woman that particularly appeals to you, put her down in the book.
What do I put down? Everything. her name, vital statistics, personality traits.
Everything that appeals to you about her. Draw a picture, I don't care.
The point is to make an experiment out of it. Why?
Because, numb-nuts, by subjecting your appetite to scientific scrutiny,
you get to analyze it.
And by analyzing it, you remove all the eroticism. You reduce lust to a set of statistics.
It's like smokenders. Precisely.
That's a brilliant idea.
I'm not the brains in this family for no reason.
[ Woman ] I like that. [ Katherine ] Why?
Well, it has lovely lines.
It doesn't look right on me.
Try it without cleats.
I hate it. What do you hate?
The whole thing. You get in front of a church full of people...
Looking like snow white, when everybody knows...
That the chances of the marriage lasting more than eight years are one in ten.
I never knew you to have such a head for statistics.
Look, I'd just like to have a trial run.
I thought that's what you've been having.
Well, I'd like a longer one.
Just what exactly is worrying you?
How do you live with someone for the rest of your life and keep it exciting?
[ Laughing ] I see. What do you see?
We're not exactly talking about the high standard of housekeeping, are we?
We're really talking about the choo-choo in the tunnel, aren't we?
Oh, mother, that's an awful expression.
- but that's what you're worried about, isn't it? - no.
It's not just that.
I'm just afraid that after we're married, everything will be different.
Oh, a needless worry. It will be.
See. Well, what do you expect?
It's inevitable, like growing old.
The summer of youthful romance gives way to the winter of... Married life.
You make it sound like death.
It is, in a way. Oh, don't worry, dear. It's a happy death.
Pull your skirt down.
[ Bells ringing ] [ Tommy ] Oliver, it stinks.
The whole idea stinks. Are you seriously going to market this?
[ Oliver ] We can market anything.
Oh, photographs. Everybody, let's get together for the picture.
[ Indistinct chattering ]
[ Cheering, laughing ]
Too much. too much. Follow me.
[ Cheering continues ]
See you at the reception.
Okay, bye. Bye.
[ Horn honking ]
Michael? Hmm?
Do you really think we're gonna make it?
I think it's customary on the wedding night.
I don't mean that. I know.
Well, are we?
We'd better.
Why?
I got money on it. Oh.
Sandy. Michael.
Hi. How are you?
I'm fine. How are you? Okay. Okay. You look good.
Thanks. You too. Thanks.
I heard you got married. Yeah. about six weeks ago.
I was so shocked. Why?
Whatever made you decide to do it?
Well, you know. It was just time, that's all.
Are you telling me if I'd hung in there a few more years, I'd be the new Mrs. Donovan?
The fact of the matter is I just happened to find the perfect wife.
Yeah? she let's you fool around a little, huh?
Oh, no, no, no. I, uh... I don't do that anymore. That was the old me.
Let's have lunch sometime, for old time's sake.
Sure.
I'm in the book, under the same old name.
Okay.
Hi. How was your day? Hi.
Not so good. How was yours?
Well, it would have been a lot better if I could figure out a way to get the girls to nap.
That shouldn't be too hard. No, well, it isn't.
I could always use chloroform.
Why don't you read to them? It doesn't work anymore.
I don't know. it's the electronic age. If it's not on tv, it doesn't exist.
Linguine? Yeah.
I'll go change my shirt.
[ Whirring ]
Dinner in five. You hungry?
Not really.
Have you been eating at the office? No, why?
You seem to have lost your appetite the last few weeks. Have I?
- this is the kind of thing that breaks up a marriage. - what?
When the husband stops eating the wife's cooking.
I love your cooking.
It's not that. I...
I don't know what it is. I just haven't felt so great lately.
Yeah, you haven't been sleeping well, either.
I hear you mumbling in the middle of the night.
- What do I say? - I can't make it out most of the time.
- Oh, but last night, I did hear something. - What was it?
- "the bets are on the table." - oh.
I bet tommy I could quit smoking.
Oh.
♪ [ Chimes Playing "Mary had a little lamb" ]
♪ [ Chimes Continue ]
[ Birds twittering ]
How's the experiment going? Well, I'm getting writer's cramp.
Yeah, but it's working, isn't it? Yeah, I guess.
- so, what's the problem? - I feel like I'm not the same person anymore.
"A new man," I believe, was your phrase.
But I'm not the person katherine married.
I'm wondering... Maybe I'm doing the marriage more harm than good.
You mean if you don't start fooling around, you may wreck the marriage.
I got to hand it to you, kid. That is the best rationalization I have ever heard in my life.
Come on, tommy.
What's the big deal about a little extra sex anyway?
In the first place, there's no such thing as a little extra sex.
That's like calling Alaska a little extra state.
And in the second place, how do you think you'd feel...
If katherine started fooling around?
You wanna know something? I really don't think I'd care.
Not as long as it was quick and meaningless.
Quick and meaningless. Yeah.
Like an hour or so every couple of months? Yeah, I guess.
Would she be allowed to have an orgasm?
That's part of sex. Yeah.
And what if they came together, her and Mr. Quick and meaningless?
That's part of sex, too, on a good day.
Now let me get this straight.
You honestly don't mind whether katherine has...
Half a dozen good solid hours of sex each year...
With men that she casually encounters?
All of them potentially terminating...
In simultaneous climax.
You're very broad-minded, michael, not to mention completely full of shit.
[ Seal barking ]
[ Telephone ringing, typewriters typing ]
Well, joyce said you wanted to see me. Yeah, oliver.
I want you to put something together for me. A new account?
No, this is something for my wife for her class at school.
Now, I put down the general idea here.
It doesn't have to be too elaborate, but if you have the time, I'd like to do it today.
Well, uh, I'll get right on it. Great.
Oliver. Yeah?
Can I ask you a personal question? Sure.
You've been married a long time, right?
Fourteen years. [ Laughs ]
You ever have a problem with other women?
How could you... how could you tell?
Well, I couldn't. But we do work around a lot of women.
I know, and that's the least of it.
You should be out on the streets. It's just a jungle out there.
I don't know what's happened to women in the last few years.
They come right up to ya, they say things. it's unbelievable. They're like men used to be.
It's a whole new ball game. It really is.
What do you do about it?
You know, it's a matter of pride with me.
If a woman I don't know tries to talk to me, I just look the other way.
If there's one thing I refuse to be, it's a sex object.
[ No audible dialogue ]
[ Sighs ]
Sneaking one?
Philomena.
This is the first time you've been with another woman since you got married, isn't it?
Yeah.
I noticed you had a rough time getting your ring off.
Don't worry about it.
You'll get the hang of it in no time.
Hey.
You forgot your cigarettes.
Tell me the occasion and I'll give you the flower.
How about the first time I cheated on my wife.
Scissors.
Hi, michael. Don't look. Don't look.
All right. All right. I got a surprise for you.
Great. I love surprises.
Okay, you can look.
Oh, terrific. A video cassette.
Of what?
I taped a fairy tale to put your little girls to sleep.
Oh, thanks.
You really had me worried there for a minute.
Why? I thought it was flowers.
Hello, girls. My name is Mr. Sandman,
and I am here with a story to send you off...
To dreamland.
[ Woman ] How did he know that would work?
[ Katherine ] He understands women.
It must be wonderful to have a husband that thoughtful.
The story is called the cat and the mouse in partnership.
[ Katherine ] He's always doing such spontaneous, unexpected things.
I never do anything like that for him.
I wish for once I could really come up with something off the wall,
something spectacular.
Why don't you? I'm lousy at surprises.
Whenever I want to surprise harry, I show up at his office.
That's not much of a surprise. Naked?
You're kidding? No, he goes crazy.
You don't wear anything at all? A trench coat and a smile.
[ People chattering ]
That's great. But I want more bubbles. I want twice as many bubbles.
More bubbles. I want bubbles everywhere.
You got 'em. This is great. Glad you like it.
It's the wife. Line one. Thanks.
Everybody relax. take five. Nick's gonna reload the bubbles. Then we go.
Hiya. [ Katherine ] You busy?
No, things are very calm here.
I just wanted you to know your story went over big.
Ah, that's great. Would it be too much trouble to make another one by tomorrow?
No problem. I got all the stuff right here.
You got anything special in mind? Rapunzel? Sleeping beauty?
Whatever you pick will be fine.
Um, I'll be finished here around seven.
I'll tape the story. I'll be home by eight.
I love you. I love you too.
[ Moans ]
Thought everybody had left.
I bet you did. You want me to lock it up, mike?
No, I'll do it when I'm finished.
Good night, howie.
Nighty-night.
[ Laughing ]
[ Laughing continues ]
Hello, girls. This is the sandman again with another story for you.
Today's story is entitled... [ Blows ]
The 12 dancing princesses.
"There once was a king who had 12 daughters,
"each one more beautiful than the other.
"And at night, when they had gone to bed,
"the king locked the door and bolted it.
"In the evening, when bedtime came, he was conducted to the anteroom.
"As he was about to go to bed, the eldest princess appeared...
Bringing him a cup of wine." [ Clattering ]
Hello?
Hey, howie, that you?
Hi. it's me.
Me who? The taber tool girl.
My god, nancy barwood! I didn't recognize you.
Well, I'll take that as a compliment. I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Oh, uh... no, I always run around like this. [ Chuckles ]
I called your office. They said you were here.
I just wanted to thank you personally for everything you did.
I didn't do anything. Oh, yes, you did.
You're looking at the new drainaway girl. I'm guaranteed 12 spots a year.
Nancy, that's great. Congratulations. Thanks.
But it wouldn't have been possible without you. Ahh.
That's not true. Oh, yes, it is. It changed my life.
But thanks to you, I've got something I never had before.
What's that? Tremendous, unstoppable self-confidence.
I didn't have anything to do with that. Oh, yes, you did.
You taught me the most important lesson of my life.
What's that? Never take "no" For an answer.
Michael!
Katherine!
It's not what you think.
I didn't mean for anything to happen.
I was just taping a story.
I wasn't thinking!
- [ Crying ] - let me explain.
Please!
This is very hot. Very hot.
Thanks.
You can stay here as long as you like.
You can have my practice room. I don't use it at night.
- won't philomena mind? - no. There's nothing serious between us.
In fact, apart from music and sex, we thoroughly dislike each other.
[ Crying ]
Kathy? kathy.
Kathy.
[ Crying continues ] Go ahead.
Just cry.
[ Birds twittering ]
Here. good for you.
Thanks.
[ Sighs ] I owe you 82 bucks.
What for? The coffee's free.
We had a bet. Remember?
Don't be pathetic this early in the morning.
It's over, tommy.
I've lost katherine forever.
This is not the time to throw in the towel, my boy.
It's no use.
[ Sighs ] You were right.
I am no good.
I never should have gotten married in the first place.
Come on, I wanna show you something.
[ Grunts ] Take a look at phil here.
He's one of your ancestors.
Of all the apes, who do you think has the biggest brain?
Man. Man, right.
And of all the apes, who do you think has the biggest sex organ?
Him. Wrong. man.
Man has the biggest brain and the biggest sex organ, all in the same body,
only they don't belong together; they're natural enemies.
What do you mean?
For scientific purposes, let's call the brain "albert" And the pecker "duke."
You got that?
Now, albert and duke inhabit the same body.
Oh, let's say yours.
Albert has a lot of INTERESTS: His work, sports, etcetera.
But duke has only got ONE: Sex.
But that's okay, as long as you're single. That poses no problems.
But one day, albert decides he wants more out of life.
So he brings a girl home... let's call her katherine...
to meet duke.
Now duke is not all together excited about the idea of marriage.
But albert, being the more clever of the two, convinces him.
"Duke," he says. "Duke,
"you can have her every night.
I'm only interested in the days myself."
So duke jumps at the deal.
So they get married and they live happily ever after, right?
Yeah. things go smoothly for six weeks or so.
Then duke starts to get a little restless.
He tells albert he wants to renegotiate.
"I can't do that," says albert. "Marriage is for life."
Duke gets upset.
"That may be all right for you, pal, you've got other interests.
But me, I'm stuck with a menu with only one dish on it. Good-bye."
So, albert stands by helplessly and watches while duke starts to fool around.
Well, of course it doesn't take long for katherine to smell a rat.
And she approaches albert and she says,
"I'm leaving."
"But, katherine, I love you," says albert.
"Oh-ho. I love you too," Said katherine. "That's not the problem.
I married both of you, and one of you is not good enough."
And off she goes into the sunset.
How am I ever gonna get her back, tommy?
Time will probably take care of that. Right now, you have a much bigger problem.
What? How to convince duke to honor the deal.
[ Grunts ]
[ Katherine ] "Once there was a poet who could make up songs...
"That would entice the fish from the sea,
"the birds from the sky and the worms from the ground.
[ Children ] eew. "The words he sang were as magical as any spell.
"One day, the queen's daughter fell into a sulk.
"The queen sent for a poet.
'Your majesty, ' he said bowing very low, 'can I be of your service?'"
The sandman.
- [ All ] hi, Mr. Sandman. - Pamela, quiet.
I'll be right back. [ Girl ] You're so handsome.
[ Children laughing ]
Okay... What is there to say?
It was just sex?
Michael, that it didn't mean anything? It didn't.
Well, it did to me!
Look, katy, I understand how you feel.
Well, if you did, you wouldn't be trying to talk to me right now.
[ Car horns honking ]
I owe everything to a guy named fred patterson. He cured me. Who's fred patterson?
The guy marie had an affair with.
I didn't know about that. How'd you find out about it?
Found one of the letters he wrote. He was a big letter writer.
Disgusting stuff. How he wanted to lick her feet forever, stuff like that.
He was an all-around disgusting little letter-writing creep.
Wasn't even particularly good looking. So what was the attraction?
He was attentive. I wasn't.
It's never very complicated. In 2000 years, nobody has come up with a new reason to cheat.
You just fall into somebody else's category.
What did you do when you found out?
Well, I went through several phases.
[ Blows ] First one was crying. I cried a lot.
Phase two, as I remember it, was anger and frustration.
Very nasty phase. I must tell you...
Whatever katherine does in this phase you can't hold against her.
It's likely to be... Somewhat violent.
I deserve anything I get.
Believe me, you won't feel that way at the end of phase two. What's phase three?
Decision time.
The wound is almost healed, reality sets in.
You got two options HERE: You can stay married or you can get a divorce.
In our case, we decided to get back together.
That's 'cause you loved each other.
No. because we punished each other enough.
Oh, we love each other. That was never the problem.
What I'm talking about is something entirely different. What?
First law of the JUNGLE: Balance of power.
[ Girls shouting ]
Come on, girls, drive it down the field. Let's keep the game going.
Keep your sticks down. Let's go.
Okay, defense, get the ball back. Come on, cindy, get in there!
[ Girls continue shouting ]
- what are you doing here? - Uh...
your mother called last night.
Five times. Okay, francisca!
What did you say to her? First time she called,
- good move! - I told her you were in the shower.
The, uh... keep your stick down, joan.
The third time she called, I said you went to the movies.
Last time she called, which was 2:00 in the morning,
I said you went on a field trip.
- Oh, that was clever. - Well, what was I supposed to do?
Tell her the truth?
I don't think you're capable of that.
Look, katherine, why don't you think about coming back on a temporary basis?
Look, I could sleep on the couch!
Then at least we could talk about this.
[ High-pitched scream ]
Oh, god!
- [ Crying ] - Back up. Back up now. Gimme some room.
Let her... that's it. Sue, are you all right?
We saw what happened. Where does it hurt?
My arm hurts everywhere. Ohhh.
Should I call an ambulance? No, look.
I can take her to fred bernstein before an ambulance can get here.
Look, I'm gonna pick you up, sue, okay? okay?
[ Crying continues ] That a girl. There we go.
Come on. There we go.
[ No audible dialogue ]
Can I get you a cab?
I'd rather walk.
Can I walk with you?
I don't think so.
Good night, michael.
Night.
Michael, I can't talk to you because I don't know what to say.
When I figure it out, I'll call.
[ Children chattering, laughing ]
Kate, darling! [ Sighs ]
I happened to be in the neighborhood and thought you'd like to go shopping.
Shopping or fishing? Let's have coffee and you can tell me all about it.
I don't wanna talk about it.
You have to. I'm your mother.
I'm not interested in the sorted details. I just wanna make sure you're not overreacting.
Mother, I walked in on him with his choo-choo in somebody else's tunnel.
What did you do? What do you mean?
I mean, what... did you yell at him? Throw something at him?
Did you faint? I just left.
You mean you turned around and walked out? More or less.
You mean you ran. What difference does it make? How I reacted is not the point.
How a woman reacts in a situation like this is very much the point.
It's hardly the way I would have reacted.
Well, you never been in that situation, have you? Well, of course, I have.
When you were nine years old, I walked in on your father and a Miss jeckman.
Miss jeckman? Mm-hmm.
My third grade teacher? That's right.
They were having their own private PT.A. Meeting.
What did you do?
We discussed it, intelligently,
like two adults who were very much in love and wanted to have a long marriage.
And then I broke every bone in his foot.
You're kidding. I am not.
Remember that antique bulldog, the one we used for a doorstop?
The one made of lead? Yes, that's the one. I just dropped it right on his ankle.
Mother. Never did set quite right. no.
You never wondered why he walks with a limp?
Well, he always told me it was a war wound.
Hmm. well, I guess it was in a way.
Marriage is very much like a war.
The victory is just making it through alive.
You've got to be ready to make a crucial decision. The thing is, o nce you get into it,
What's that?
Whether to surrender, or whether to stay and fight.
We are gathered here today...
In the presence of the fruits of the world...
To join in holy matrimony this kiwi...
And this mango.
♪ [ "Wedding March" ]
So, what do you think? I think I'm gonna throw up.
Mike, what's the coverage total? Everything in sight.
He just loves it!
It's absolutely fabulous.
Fabulous.
[ Katherine ] Michael. Katherine.
I hope I'm not interrupting you. No.
I've been thinking about everything and I finally realized...
That it wasn't just the act itself that really bothered me.
It was the dishonesty behind it.
Katherine, I'm sorry. you don't know how sorry I really am. But there was a reason...
michael! I don't need to know why it happened.
The important thing is that it did happen.
And there's nothing you can do to make it "unhappen."
Maybe in the scheme of things it was a small lie.
But right now, I'm not sure if it wasn't all one big lie.
[ Knocking ]
[ Whispers ] Get.
[ Unlocks door ]
Katherine's not here. [ Michael ] I don't believe you.
[ Chuckles ] You don't have a choice. Don't I?
What are you doing? My wife's here. I wanna talk to her.
No. If you don't, you'll never put a violin to that chin without thinking about me.
[ Katherine ] Michael.
It's all right, walter.
Do you want me to call the police? That's okay. I'm fine.
Sorry to barge in here like this but I have something very important to say to you.
It couldn't be done over the phone.
What you said today about my being dishonest,
I just want you to know I think you're absolutely right.
I have been dishonest with you, very dishonest.
And not just since we were married.
We have been together for two years and three months.
You know how many women I've been with during that time?
- I don't care. - well, you may not care, but you should know!
To the best of my knowledge, this is a complete list.
I've added the dates and circumstances wherever I could remember.
The ones with the stars next to them are the repeats.
Katherine, I'll do anything you want me to do. you want me to talk to somebody?
I'll talk to a priest, psychiatrist, marriage counselor.
Anybody.
Just tell me what you want me to do, I'll do it.
Katherine, I'll kill for you.
I'll die for you.
Please.
Say something.
[ Sighs ]
Michael.
[ Groaning ]
Maybe you'd like me to call the police. [ Chuckles ]
[ Knocking ]
[ Doorbell ringing ]
[ Moaning ]
[ Moaning continues ]
[ Loud knocking ] Coming.
[ Groans ]
[ Clears throat, coughing ]
Want some coffee? No, thanks. I'm not staying long.
What time is it? Oh, it's about 7:30.
Ooh. did you bring up the paper?
No.
Are you all right? [ Straining ] Yeah. yeah. I...
no broken bone party for me.
Look, I'm sorry I lost my temper like that. [ Groans ]
I don't blame you.
It wasn't the list, you know.
It wasn't? No.
It was the idea that you could think I was that stupid.
What are you talking about?
The other day I told you what bothered me so much was the dishonesty.
Well, the fact of the matter is I've been just as dishonest as you have.
I knew what you were doing the whole time.
You did?
I didn't have any proof or anything,
but there must be a seventh sense for something like that.
I always felt it anyway.
Why didn't you say something?
[ Sighs ] Because as long as I kept quiet, I didn't have to admit it.
Oh, we were the perfect couple, each living our own separate lies.
So you see, it's not just your problem.
I have to start learning to be honest with myself.
And I honestly don't think we can make it work.
- Now, katherine, don't... - let me finish, please.
[ Quivers ]
I didn't think I could ever consider a life without you.
And I still don't know if I can.
But I have to try.
I'm filing for divorce.
Oh, jesus, katherine.
I can change.
I know I can change.
Please.
Just gimme one more chance.
I promised you I'd never let this happen.
You promised me a lot of things.
[ Car horns honking ] [ Oliver ] The sponsor killed it.
That's tough. I have a new idea. Do you want to hear it?
Oliver, I don't think I'd make a very good audience right now. Why not?
I just found out I'm getting divorced.
Oh, no. Oh, I'm so sorry.
Oh, god, I know just how you feel.
Believe me, the only answer is just go away for a while.
From my experience, divorce has a half-life of about six months and that's it.
I thought you were married for 14 years.
Yeah, but not to the same woman. I've been married three times.
You're kidding. No.
That's the good thing about marriage.
It's the only real cure for divorce.
By the way, a little girl stopped in and dropped off this package for you.
Oh. did she have a cast on her wrist?
Yeah, yeah, she did.
Well, I got to go, so see you later.
See ya, oliver.
[ Sighs ]
♪ [ "Wedding March" ]
♪ [ Continues ]
[ Slams piano, keys droning ] [ Crying ]
[ Walter clears throat ] Hi.
I think maybe you should stay another week or so. It'll be easier then.
It'll never be easy. If I don't move out now, I may not have the nerve tomorrow.
I'm gonna Miss you. I'll be in the neighborhood.
[ Chuckles ] It won't be quite the same.
Do you wanna talk?
No, I don't think so.
I'll be in bed reading if you change your mind.
Thanks.
[ Flips switch ]
[ Groans ]
[ Clears throat ]
Hello, girls. This is the sandman with a new story.
Before I leave tomorrow, there's something that I've been wanting to ask you for a long time.
What's that?
Well...
um... [ Clears throat ]
Uh... Why haven't you ever tried to make love to me?
Oh, boy.
Oh, I'm sorry. It's none of my business.
No, no, no, no. It's a fair question.
I have asked myself many times.
You have? Sure.
But, uh, we've always been friends.
And friendship...
Usually precludes sex.
Well, it doesn't always.
You don't have to be in love to make love.
Kathy, I never thought you were the kind of person to make that distinction.
Well, I think it's time I learned.
And you've picked me for your teacher. You were in the neighborhood.
[ Both laughing ]
If we went to bed,
you think we'd still be friends in the morning?
We might be better friends.
[ Thunder rumbling ]
[ Knocking ]
[ Doorbell ringing ]
[ Loud knocking ]
[ Ringing ]
[ Thunderclap ]
[ Knocking ]
[ Groans ] [ Ringing ]
Jesus.
Walter, I'm sorry to bother you so late. I have something for katherine.
I'd like to give it to her. You picked a bad time.
Katherine's in bed... With me.
[ Soft moan ]
I guess I should have called first, huh?
I brought this for school.
♪ [ "Mary Had A Little Lamb" ]
What are you doin'? Changing phil's tire. Gonna move him to a radial for winter.
What's new? I've come to a very important conclusion about my life.
Oh, you've decided to live with the truth. You're an animal and you always will be.
I'm an animal with a brain. Not a very big one, maybe, but a brain nonetheless.
I was thinking more about what you said about duke. about how to get him to honor the deal.
You threaten to cut him off.
No, I reasoned with him. I presented him with something he couldn't argue with.
Oh, yeah. what's that?
Simple arithmetic. Take all the women,
all the one-night stands, all the instant gratification,
when you add 'em up...
They're not worth one minute with somebody that you really love.
My boy, allow me to congratulate you. You've done it.
There's only one thing wrong. What?
I did it too late.
Come on.
[ Children shouting ]
Mrs. Donovan, can we have the sandman today?
[ All ] Please?
Okay. [ All cheering ]
[ Excited shouting ]
If you can lie down and be very quiet.
[ All ] We will. we will.
[ Michael ] Hello, girls. This is the sandman with a new story.
It's called the story of albert and duke.
Once upon a time, deep in the forest...
Lived a couple of snakes by the names of albert and duke.
Now even though they had a very good life,
something seemed to be missing.
And one day they finally realized what it was.
They needed a friend to share their life with.
So off they went the following day,
slithering through the forest searching for a friend.
But they didn't find one in the forest.
So they journeyed beyond until they came to a big lake.
And what do you think they saw standing by that lake?
But a beautiful princess.
Duke wanted to approach her immediately,
but albert couldn't believe that a princess would want to live with two snakes.
But duke finally convinced albert that it was all right to try.
So they went up to her and they talked to her.
She was very nice. She put them both at ease.
And finally they decided to pop the question.
They asked the princess to come and live with them.
And to their happy surprise, she said yes.
"On one CONDITION:
That you promise never to turn your backs on me."
Well, this was such a simple condition that they both agreed immediately.
And off they went into the forest to set up house.
Albert and duke were happier than they had ever been.
And the princess seemed happy too.
Then one day something happened.
Albert wanted the princess to go for a walk with him.
But duke wanted to lie in the sun with her.
And the princess suggested that they play leapfrog,
but duke didn't want to.
He wanted to climb a tree instead.
And so finally, albert and duke decided to step outside and settle it.
And out they went into the forest, where the argument raged...
For hours and hours,
with albert making one suggestion and then duke another,
until finally it was dark and they were both exhausted.
At this point, albert said, "I got an idea.
Let's let the princess decide."
Duke agreed, and they both rushed back to the house.
Whey they got back to the house, they discovered that the princess was gone.
They searched all over t he house but she was nowhere to be found.
And finally, they saw a note on the pillow.
It said, "dear albert and DUKE:
"I was very happy with you,
"but a promise is a promise.
"I'm sorry.
[ Sighs ] "But I have to leave you.
"Good-bye,
the princess."
Albert and duke were very unhappy...
Because they had been thoughtless.
But... Even though they had broken their promise,
they believed they could do better if she would ever come back.
So they decided to wait.
And to this day, if you go into the forest, you'll find them waiting.
Because although...
A promise is a promise,
even snakes deserve a second chance.
I just came back to explain last night.
- You don't owe me explanations. - I wanted you to know it wasn't revenge.
[ Soft chuckle ] I was kind of hoping it was.
It was curiosity more than anything.
I wanted to know what it was like to have sex with someone you weren't in love with.
I wanted to see if that kind of sex was better than the other kind.
Was it? It wasn't exactly better.
But I'd be lying if I said it wasn't good.
What was so good about it? All right, I take it back. I don't wanna know.
You know already. That kind of sex is just different.
More uninhibited. More selfish.
More physical.
Walter was more physical than me?
Well... No.
I guess I was.
- you saying it was better with him than me? - no!
It's just that with that kind of sex, you wind up doing more.
More.
What more did you do?
I don't know. Everything.
Everything? you never did everything with me.
Whose fault is that?
Are we talking about the same "everything"?
Well, I can at least speak for my everything.
Given your vast experience, I'm sure your everything is a whole lot bigger than mine.
You know everything that I know.
I learned even more last night.
As good as that kind of sex is, it's not worth giving up a marriage for.
So, if you can forget about last night,
I suggest we try it again.
I can forget. can you?
- I'll try. - So will I.
[ Sighs ]
You know, as painful as it was, I'm glad you got even.
Even?
You call 18 to one even?
Well, you can't count what happened before we got married.
Let's make one thing very clear so there's no confusion next time.
Everything counts. You look at another woman, don't hit my ribs.
Including the naked vacuumer back there, and I'll see to it...
You host the biggest broken bone party in history; your own.
You got a deal.
Don't think it's gonna be easy, michael. I don't.
I'm not the same person you married last time. Good.
Then you shouldn't have to cheat anymore. What?
I want a real five-second head start this time.
Starting when?
Now. One Mississippi,
two Mississippi,
three Mississippi, four Mississippi, five Mississippi.
Ooh, michael!
- Ow! - You all right?
No, I'm not all right!
Good.
I said we could start over. I didn't say it would be painless.
♪ ♪
♪ Mr. Sandman Bring me a dream ♪
♪ Make Him The Cutest That I've ever seen ♪
♪ Give Him The Word That I'm not a rover ♪
♪ Then Tell Him That His lonesome nights are over ♪
♪ Mr. Sandman I'm so alone ♪
♪ Don't Have Nobody To call my own ♪
♪ Please Turn On Your magic beam ♪
♪ Mr. Sandman Bring me a dream ♪
♪ Give Him A Pair Of Eyes With a come-hither gleam ♪
♪ Give Him A Lonely Heart Like pagliacci ♪
♪ And Lots Of Wavy Hair Like liberace ♪
♪ Mr. Sandman Someone to hold ♪
♪ Would Be So Peachy Before we're too old ♪
♪ So Please Turn On Your magic beam ♪
♪ Mr. Sandman Bring us ♪
♪ Please, Please Bring Us ♪
♪ Mr. Sandman Bring us a dream ♪
[ Meows ]
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