- You're only making this harder on yourself mate.
- You'll never take me alive.
- Come on mate, keep up. - I'm trying.
- My feet are killing me.
I've seen 20 bloody flats already this week.
- Yeah, I'm sorry you can't use my spare room,
I need it for my home gym.
- It's clearly working.
- Oh!
Gotcha.
- Nice one, Fran.
Run again and I'll shoot you.
- Do you have any idea who you're dealing with?
I'm serving a Mafia mate.
You kill me, someone will come after you.
- Who, Long John Silver? - Crazy, no.
- What are you doing?
- Head shot. - His heads not up there, mate.
He's not ten foot tall. - You sure?
- Honestly.
See.
- Wait, I'll cut in on our next shipment full of steroids.
Worth a fortune. - So where is the head then?
- Surprise, bitches.
- 'Bout there.
♪ Don't you want me, baby? ♪
♪ Don't you want me, Oh ♪
- Oh, oh, oh. Found it.
- Oh my god. Stonely High class of 89 reunion.
- Woo hoo.
Oh, my gosh.
- I am so excited that you've actually allowed
us to go to one of these things.
- You know what? I'm actually looking forward to it, you know
we've got the jobs rolling in. - Yeah we've got some proper dosh at last.
Exactly. Thank you very much.
God, who would've thought we'd be rocking up to our old
school in a Mercedes B Class. - Yes.
- We've come a long way from those two girls who left
that place with just an A level and three STDs between them.
- Oh, my God.
- Do you think Danny Kemp's gonna be there tonight?
He was so freaking hot. - Hot? Are you serious?
Wasn't he the guy that had a danger wank at the back of RE?
- What can I say? I've always liked a bad boy.
- Oh, here we are mate.
Let's give it the old salute.
- Oh.
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- It's gonna be so nice
to just have one night where we can just have some fun
and not worry about getting our heads blown off.
- As Danny Kemp yelled at the black of RE, "Amen!"
One more time, what do we do for a living?
- Okay, we definitely don't kill people for a living.
We work in security. - Exactly.
- It's fake but cool.
And just a slight hint of danger.
- And in our downtime we breed and train pedigree dogs.
- What? I didn't sign off on that bit.
- Oh, yes. I still hold the record
for the school shot put. - It's all flooding back.
The bunking off, the cheeky .
That time you got so nervous that you
pissed yourself on stage during Oliver.
Why would you bring that up? I still have nightmares about that
- Still too soon? - Yes.
- Okay, got it.
- You don't think anyone else is going to remember that, do you?
- Of course they won't. We're not twelve anymore, are we?
- Yeah, they'll have moved on.
- Hey, hey, hey, Oliver Piss!
- And I'm out of here.
- That is one drunk, come on.
It's our night off, let's have some fun, yeah?
- Absolutely, just don't leave me on my own.
- Of course not mate.
- Come on, come on.
- Oh
- It's so weird. Everyone's back in their old cliques.
I know, you've got goths, the nerds, the footy lads.
- Meanies.
Why aren't we in a clique? - What are you talking about?
We were the funky fresh crew. You, me,
and occasionally a foreign language student.
- Oh, it's our song. Clear a space.
♪ Let's dance. Put on your red shoes and dance the blues ♪
- Fran, you looking exactly the same.
- When you find an iconic look, you tend to stick with it,
you know Steve Jobs, Karl Lagerfeld, Kim Jong-un.
- Oh, Danny Kemp
- You're literally over a child mate.
He was held back three years, it's actually fine.
- Who's she?
- Now I think she left quite soon after you arrived.
- Yes. - We were quite good mates
before that, though. - Wasn't she incredibly shy?
- Yeah. - She didn't say anything at all
I remember it, she was a bit creepy, to be honest.
What was her name? - Kat Gateskill
- Kat!
- It's so good to see you, Jamie.
- You look amazing.
Where did you get that outfit?
Because I want it now.
Hey, Fran.
So what are you both up to?
Still doing everything together?
The Inseparable duo.
- We do work together, actually.
- Oh, nice. - For a security company.
- Okay.
- Events, crowd control, that sort of stuff.
It's a little bit more complicated than that, Jamie.
It's surveillance. As such,
it's gathering, close protection. That sort of stuff.
I won't bore you with details, but it's high end stuff.
How about you? - So sorry to interrupt,
but would you mind signing a copy of your book for me?
- Thanks to you, I am becoming who I always wanted to be.
Turns out it's divorced and living in a relationship
with my former therapist.
- That's great. Thank you.
Oh, so embarrassing.
I run a little business.
A few bestselling self help books, speaking tools across
the world of minor luxury products.
I guess it's more of a brand than a business.
- That's incredible.
- I've never heard of your stuff.
Probably because it's targeted more towards people who need help.
And I'm in a really good space right now.
- At least you've still got that sharp sense of humour, Fran.
Oh, I better go check on the buffet.
I'm head of the organising committee.
Control free alert. - Control freak detected.
- I'll catch you later.
What does she mean,
at least I've still got that sense of humour?
- Who are you and what you're doing here?
- I don't know what you mean. I'm here for the reunion.
We were in school together.
- Listen mate. I've been doing this job
long enough to know exactly what it means when some dodgy
little weirdo approaches us with his hand in his jacket.
Please, I don't know what you're talking about.
Sure you don't I guess you were innocently reaching for
- Business cards.
I'm in office supplies now. It's me,
it's Robin Sharma.
- Robin, we are so sorry.
- Honestly, don't worry about it.
It's just when you're in private security. It can get a little bit edgy.
Itchy trigger fingers.
Oh, literally. Obviously.
- Oh, gosh, that sounds exciting.
I mean, it's not every day you get waterboarded when you sell
toner cartridges for a living.
- It's mad, isn't it. You see, it's been so long.
I didn't recognise you at all.
Probably the glasses. Went a bit crazy
and treated myself to some laser surgery.
My 50th, it was either that or installing a smart meter.
But I thought no better to have something to really
look forward to for your 60th.
- Well, you are looking good, my friend.
- Robin Sharma.
Robin Sharma.
I used to sit next to you in geography.
- Pretty sure it was chemistry.
- Oh, my bad with Mr. Dunham.
- Mr. Dunham was history.
Chemistry was Ms. Bole.
Ms. Bole.
I always thought it was Ms. Bole.
- Right! Ms. Bole.
She was always very insistent on that.
- She was, yes she was.
Robin Sharma.
It's amazing what you remember from way back.
- Oh, don't get me started.
If these walls could talk.
We have some fun, didn't we?
Tell you what, I found some cannabis in my stepson's
bedroom and Fran,
I seem to remember you were partial to wacky
Becky, want to go outside for a cheeky puffer-roni?
Come on, schools out.
- We better go mingle. - Yeah, of course.
No worries. Catch you in a bit.
- See you in there mate.
- Man, I have not thought about Robin Sharma in years.
Office supplies? It's crazy what some people end up doing, isn't it?
- Yeah, it's bonkers, isn't it?
- Oh, it's Danny Kemp.
- Oh, shit. - I know, and
he's still got it.
Check it
- You're all good. - Wish me luck.
- Listen, I need a signal if you're going back to the van.
Do you want to put a sock on the exhaust or something?
The signal will be the van bouncing up and down mate.
- So you still got that little convertible, I seem to
remember the back seat being very comfortable.
- Of course I do.
Let me tell you when the roof goes down,
it goes all the way down.
- Listen, it's the first night
I've been able to get away from my kids in six months, fuck off.
- Oliver Piss. - Look at that, it's Oliver Piss
- Oliver Piss. - Oliver Piss.
- I can't believe I got stuck with Nick Stevens.
It's like I get it.
Your son's got M.E.
What am I supposed to do about it?
- Yeah.
Oh my God. Did you see Oliver Piss?
- Yes. Please sir, can I piss some more?
- You got a piss a pocket or two.
- I wonder what she does now.
- Who cares?
- If that was all I was remembered for,
I would've been way too embarrassed to show my face.
- Yeah, does she even know how tragic she looks?
- Babe, you've got coke-tache.
- Oh.
♪ Kung Fu lovin, is gonna tear us apart ♪
♪ to a roundhouse kick to my heart ♪
- It was Ms. Bole.
♪ Girls love girls, girls love girls ♪
- Jamie, what are you doing all of your own?
I thought you and Fran were joined at the hip.
- There was someone I wanted to dance with,
but it seems like he's already taken.
- It's year nine disco all over again.
Tina Bartrom was always a slut.
I know if I've learned that a thing, Jane.
It so you don't get anywhere by sitting back.
If someone's got something you
want, you need to take control of the situation.
Actually, I've got an idea.
♪ Consider yourself, one of us ♪
- Hey Robin, what are you doing here?
- I saw you were a bit upset.
Just checking you're okay. - Oh no, I'm fine.
Taking a breather.
You know, just hanging out with the old crew.
Too much fun if I'm honest.
Familiar faces and happy memories,
having an amazing time.
- Alright, well, I'll leave you to it.
- No. Come on, sit down.
Come on then, tell old Robin Sharma what's up?
- Sorry, do you mind if I butt in?
Seriously, what is your problem?
- Tina, your husband's on the phone in the school office.
He said he couldn't get through on your mobile.
It sounds quite urgent. - One night. That's all I ask for.
I don't know if you remember me. - It's Jamie, isn't it?
Of course, I remember you.
You're always so bubbly
and if I remember correctly, very naughty.
- So why do I listen to these idiots?
You know I am who I am and if
they don't like it, they can just shove it up their ass.
- Exactly.
I mean, at the end of the day we just have to be ourselves.
No point in pretending to be someone we're not.
- Thanks Robin.
- What's the matter? Piss yourself again?
- Yeah, nice one.
- There it is.
Nickname hanging around my neck like
a sack of shit for the last 30 years.
- God, yeah, the nickname.
Who cares about that now? - Everyone apparently.
I mean, you're the only one
that hasn't brought it up. Haven't mentioned it once.
- I remember how upset you used to get about.
I mean, you wet yourself
in a school production of Cats and suddenly you're
Mr. Pisstofolies for life.
- Mr. Pisstofolies. Kids can be so cruel.
- Listen, if you're still offering
I could really handle that spliff.
- Definitely, it's in my car. Parked out front.
Okay.
- Thanks for listening to all that.
- Anytime.
- We should hang out again.
- Yeah, give me ya number and I'll drop you a line.
- Yeah, well, you can just look
me up on Facebook under Oliver Piss.
- No, no.
- Hey,
you got any coke?
- Ah, ah. Ah.
- Fran, where ya been? - You need to come with me right now, Jamie.
- Oh, one too many was it? I've got some gum. Keep you from vomming.
- Great, excuse us Kat. - Fran, stealing you away?
It's like school again.
- Yeah. - Bye.
- What's up? - Sharma is trying to kill us.
- Sharma?
- Not Sharma, someone pretending to be Sharma.
- Then who's that then?
- Some kind of weird, footy, dumb, pirate meat head.
- I guess he wasn't lying when he said he knew people.
- Any last words,
Robin Sharma?
What is this, fucking Looney Tunes?
Still got it.
- Well,
my peers might not respect me but at least my brains aren't
splattered over an assortment of netball
bibs and shuttlecocks. Swings and roundabouts.
- Thanks for your help mate.
- Ah, come on. What are friends for?
I stove somebody's head in with a shot put this week.
Next week, you'll be dropped kicking some Nutter
down a lift shaft. We are a team.
- Indeed, the old clique of two. Never,
never mess with the funky fresh crew.
Just you and me now.
- Hey, guys.
Fran, are you sure you're okay to drive?
Or did you manage to get most of it out?
- Yeah, I wasn't actually drunk. - Oh right?
Okay, so that's just your normal pallor then?
- Well, I mean, some of us like to keep it natural.
- Jamie, I wanted you to have a copy of my book.
Danny Kemp could be just a start of you becoming.
And I meant what I said about
you crashing at mine for a bit.
Honestly, I'd be delighted to have you. My card is in the book.
- Thanks, Kat.
I'll be in touch.
Oh.
- Sorry, you're moving in with Kat Gateskill?
- When I told her about
my living sitch and she's offered me a room when I look
for a new place, it's really kind of her, right?
Wow.
Look how cool Kat's business card is.
I'll tell you what, I'm going to have some made up.
- Oh no, I think that's a really good idea.
Yeah. Like your name,
phone number, and "I kill people for a living".
- The number's fake,
and when you phone it, you get the talking clock.
- God, you're a genius.
So you finally got with Danny Kemp then?
- Yep, 13 years I've been waiting for that. Tongue right in the ear.
- Small victories every day?
♪ There's a loving in your eyes all the way ♪
♪ If I listen to your lies would you say ♪
♪ I'm a man without conviction ♪
♪ I'm a man who doesn't know ♪
♪ How to sell a contradiction ♪
♪ You come and go ♪
♪ Karma karma karma karma Karma chameleon ♪
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