1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 -== [ www.OpenSubtitles.com ] ==- 2 00:00:26,598 --> 00:00:31,598 Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org 3 00:00:46,745 --> 00:00:47,846 One. 4 00:00:53,785 --> 00:00:54,853 Two. 5 00:00:57,022 --> 00:00:59,792 Smallwood! You're free to go! 6 00:00:59,825 --> 00:01:02,328 Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal. 7 00:03:04,583 --> 00:03:05,550 Mr. Secretary, Merry Christmas! 8 00:03:05,583 --> 00:03:07,485 Tom! Great to see you. 9 00:03:07,518 --> 00:03:08,820 Well, I wouldn't miss this for the world. 10 00:03:08,853 --> 00:03:12,725 Well, this is gonna be a fantastic holiday bonus for our military. 11 00:03:12,757 --> 00:03:17,463 Access to PEN15 will be granted in ten, nine, eight... 12 00:03:17,495 --> 00:03:19,764 Okay folks, let's get it started in here! 13 00:03:19,798 --> 00:03:23,803 Agent Woman, Agent Charlesworth, let s relay the shriek command codes! 14 00:03:23,835 --> 00:03:26,538 Agent Woman, administer the voice modulation masks. 15 00:03:26,572 --> 00:03:28,007 One. 16 00:03:49,094 --> 00:03:51,697 Agent Charlesworth, we have access. 17 00:03:52,130 --> 00:03:53,833 Ha-ha! 18 00:03:53,865 --> 00:03:54,867 Nice! 19 00:03:57,035 --> 00:03:59,138 Thank you, Houston. We'll take it from here. 20 00:03:59,171 --> 00:04:01,639 Hot dog, Christmas has come early! 21 00:04:01,673 --> 00:04:03,776 Let's see what those little furballs can do. 22 00:04:03,809 --> 00:04:05,578 I'm sending command shrieks 23 00:04:05,611 --> 00:04:08,548 to the space thingy now, Mr. Secretary. 24 00:04:15,686 --> 00:04:19,491 They're accessing the space thingy's visual optics. 25 00:04:20,993 --> 00:04:24,096 Oh, they found something! 26 00:04:24,128 --> 00:04:24,996 Tammy! 27 00:04:25,029 --> 00:04:27,532 Oh, tell them to try image enhancing! 28 00:04:29,134 --> 00:04:31,838 Oh, titties! 29 00:04:32,271 --> 00:04:33,506 Boobies! 30 00:04:33,538 --> 00:04:36,108 Breasteseseses. 31 00:04:36,140 --> 00:04:37,809 That is sophomoric. 32 00:04:37,842 --> 00:04:39,177 And tasteless. 33 00:04:39,211 --> 00:04:40,546 Those nerds at the NSA 34 00:04:40,579 --> 00:04:42,615 probably think this is Santa's sleigh! 35 00:04:43,714 --> 00:04:44,916 If they only knew! 36 00:04:44,950 --> 00:04:46,584 The optics are phenomenal, 37 00:04:46,618 --> 00:04:48,921 just think what the laser capabilities might be. 38 00:04:48,954 --> 00:04:50,288 This might be the best weapon 39 00:04:50,322 --> 00:04:53,125 the U.S. military has ever had ever! 40 00:04:54,993 --> 00:04:56,529 Chester, I gotta hand it to ya, man. 41 00:04:56,562 --> 00:04:59,131 This raccoon weapons program is incredible! 42 00:04:59,163 --> 00:05:02,267 From spraying raccoon feces all over the Middle East 43 00:05:02,300 --> 00:05:03,301 to developing one of the most 44 00:05:03,336 --> 00:05:05,937 uncrackable satellite codes in human history. 45 00:05:05,971 --> 00:05:08,040 Even the Chinese can't figure it out! 46 00:05:08,072 --> 00:05:09,575 Great job, man! 47 00:05:09,608 --> 00:05:10,942 Congress is gonna be so pissed 48 00:05:10,976 --> 00:05:12,778 when they find out who is paying for this. 49 00:05:12,810 --> 00:05:14,680 Hey, guys, can I get a little credit here? 50 00:05:14,712 --> 00:05:15,847 I mean, ten years ago, 51 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:19,017 the raccoons slaughtered fifteen campers here in town. 52 00:05:19,050 --> 00:05:20,486 If I didn't cover the whole thing up 53 00:05:20,519 --> 00:05:24,223 and ship the raccoons off to the military, we wouldn't be here today. 54 00:05:24,255 --> 00:05:26,958 I only wish my colleagues from that summer had survived, 55 00:05:26,991 --> 00:05:28,793 I heard their bodies were never found. 56 00:05:28,827 --> 00:05:30,896 They were all ripped to shreds by raccoons. 57 00:05:30,928 --> 00:05:32,130 You know, it's funny you would mention that, 58 00:05:32,163 --> 00:05:33,765 cause just last week, we had a break-in 59 00:05:33,798 --> 00:05:35,834 at the Raccoon Creek weapons facility. 60 00:05:35,866 --> 00:05:37,068 We got a few things missing, 61 00:05:37,101 --> 00:05:38,971 like some raccoons and some gear 62 00:05:39,003 --> 00:05:40,238 and I don't know who the heck would take it, 63 00:05:40,272 --> 00:05:41,440 'cause what are they going to do with it? 64 00:05:41,473 --> 00:05:44,776 There was a note left behind, it said, "Shitsnakes." 65 00:05:44,810 --> 00:05:46,178 Strange I've heard that before. 66 00:05:46,212 --> 00:05:49,882 Yeah, you know that was something Ranger Rick Danger used to say. 67 00:05:49,914 --> 00:05:51,649 He was a boozehound park ranger 68 00:05:51,683 --> 00:05:54,252 I hired ten years ago. Nobody knows what it meant. 69 00:05:54,286 --> 00:05:56,088 Shitsnakes? That's not a thing. 70 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:58,323 Like, snakes covered in shit? 71 00:05:58,356 --> 00:06:00,058 Well, nobody really knows. 72 00:06:00,091 --> 00:06:02,661 Besides, Ranger Danger is long gone, 73 00:06:02,694 --> 00:06:04,663 you guys did a phenomenal job, 74 00:06:04,695 --> 00:06:06,931 have a great holiday, thanks so much. 75 00:06:06,964 --> 00:06:07,933 Thank you, sir. 76 00:06:07,966 --> 00:06:10,269 Thank you, Mr. Mayor. I mean, Mr. Secretary 77 00:06:10,301 --> 00:06:12,337 You're welcome. Just call me sir the way she does. 78 00:06:12,370 --> 00:06:14,005 Yes, sir. 79 00:06:14,038 --> 00:06:15,373 Merry Christmas, Mr. Secretary! 80 00:06:15,406 --> 00:06:17,142 Agent Woman, could I talk to you for a second? 81 00:06:17,175 --> 00:06:18,377 - Mm-hmm. - Sorry, Chester. 82 00:06:18,409 --> 00:06:19,978 Of course. Have a great holiday. 83 00:06:21,380 --> 00:06:22,548 Listen, 84 00:06:22,580 --> 00:06:25,783 I don't know if you're staying in town for the holidays, 85 00:06:25,817 --> 00:06:27,119 but I have a cabin in the woods 86 00:06:27,151 --> 00:06:29,187 and I would love it if you would join me. 87 00:06:29,221 --> 00:06:31,790 As flattered as I am by the offer, sir, my plans are to make 88 00:06:31,822 --> 00:06:34,359 the next train to Washington to meet my... family. 89 00:06:34,392 --> 00:06:36,794 Ha-ha! Well, no matter, I'm married anyway. 90 00:06:36,827 --> 00:06:38,830 Listen, like the secretary said, 91 00:06:38,863 --> 00:06:39,998 you did a great job today! 92 00:06:40,031 --> 00:06:40,899 Thank you, sir. 93 00:06:40,933 --> 00:06:43,002 But I don't need a man to tell me that. 94 00:06:44,803 --> 00:06:47,940 Hoo-hoo, feminism is hot, ha-ha! 95 00:06:54,178 --> 00:06:57,616 Come on, Aunt Sally's mittens, where is he? 96 00:07:05,457 --> 00:07:07,993 O-M-G! Ty! Ty Smallwood! 97 00:07:10,928 --> 00:07:13,666 Shane! How are ya, man? 98 00:07:13,699 --> 00:07:14,867 Hey, what's with the cross? 99 00:07:14,899 --> 00:07:16,435 Oh, I'm a Christian now! 100 00:07:16,467 --> 00:07:18,670 Isn't that great? I went to conversion therapy. 101 00:07:18,704 --> 00:07:20,706 The only thing I'm gay for now is Jesus, 102 00:07:20,738 --> 00:07:22,674 and he's the reason for the season, am I right? 103 00:07:22,707 --> 00:07:24,308 Hey, I love that mustache. 104 00:07:24,341 --> 00:07:25,777 Oh, thanks. 105 00:07:25,810 --> 00:07:27,178 But don't call me Ty anymore. 106 00:07:27,212 --> 00:07:28,180 I changed my name. 107 00:07:28,212 --> 00:07:30,314 I couldn't stand being made fun of in prison. 108 00:07:30,348 --> 00:07:33,218 Oh, right. Smallwood could be perceived as "small penis." 109 00:07:33,250 --> 00:07:34,452 Makes sense. 110 00:07:34,486 --> 00:07:36,656 So from now on, call me Casey. 111 00:07:38,022 --> 00:07:40,159 Casey Smallwood. 112 00:07:40,192 --> 00:07:42,795 I got this place after I got out of conversion therapy. 113 00:07:42,827 --> 00:07:44,429 Business boomed when the mayor of Independence 114 00:07:44,462 --> 00:07:46,164 became the Secretary of Defense. 115 00:07:46,197 --> 00:07:47,865 Lot of military families coming through. 116 00:07:47,899 --> 00:07:49,401 It's been really good for business. 117 00:07:49,433 --> 00:07:50,801 Wait, the mayor? 118 00:07:50,836 --> 00:07:53,706 That dick who put me in jail for ten years for underage drinking? 119 00:07:53,738 --> 00:07:55,840 He put Al Jazeera in Guantanamo! 120 00:07:55,873 --> 00:07:57,475 We don't even know if Al's alive. 121 00:07:57,509 --> 00:08:00,446 Ty... Casey, a lot's changed 122 00:08:00,478 --> 00:08:02,147 in the last ten years since you've been gone. 123 00:08:06,918 --> 00:08:09,187 The mayor's done a lot of good since he's gotten to D.C. 124 00:08:09,221 --> 00:08:11,957 So he's a hero now, huh? What'd he do for you? 125 00:08:11,990 --> 00:08:13,358 He got me the conversion therapy. 126 00:08:13,390 --> 00:08:15,493 I'm not living that sinful, disgusting life anymore. 127 00:08:15,526 --> 00:08:16,995 Speaking of, we have a Christmas 128 00:08:17,027 --> 00:08:18,397 swingers party going on tonight. 129 00:08:18,430 --> 00:08:19,965 You're more than welcome to hang out, 130 00:08:19,998 --> 00:08:21,332 stay as long as you like. 131 00:08:21,365 --> 00:08:22,868 Well, that's nice of you, Shane, 132 00:08:22,901 --> 00:08:25,037 but Imma try to see my family on the East Coast. 133 00:08:25,070 --> 00:08:27,772 I'm actually supposed to meet up with this girl 134 00:08:27,805 --> 00:08:31,209 I've been in touch with, and take the next train to D.C. 135 00:08:31,243 --> 00:08:32,344 What? 136 00:08:32,377 --> 00:08:34,979 Who is this girl, how long you been in touch with her 137 00:08:35,012 --> 00:08:36,748 and will you be touching her a lot more? 138 00:08:36,781 --> 00:08:39,817 She's the sister of the dead girl that I lost my virginity to 139 00:08:39,850 --> 00:08:42,520 ten years ago, who was mauled by raccoons. 140 00:08:42,554 --> 00:08:43,655 Her name's Darlene. 141 00:08:43,689 --> 00:08:46,392 We struck up a penpal-ship while I was in the joint. 142 00:08:48,259 --> 00:08:49,527 She wants to know the truth 143 00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:50,995 about what happened to her sister. 144 00:08:52,129 --> 00:08:53,298 I'm not gonna lie, Shane. 145 00:08:54,900 --> 00:08:57,836 That summer really fucked me up. 146 00:08:57,868 --> 00:09:01,339 It's almost as if I'm a totally different person now. 147 00:09:01,373 --> 00:09:03,108 Yeah, it's pretty obvious. 148 00:09:03,141 --> 00:09:05,344 Look, Casey, Raccoon Creek Campground 149 00:09:05,377 --> 00:09:06,811 doesn't exist anymore. 150 00:09:06,844 --> 00:09:08,880 It's a top secret military facility. 151 00:09:08,914 --> 00:09:11,083 There hasn't been a raccoon attack in ten years. 152 00:09:11,116 --> 00:09:13,786 Anybody who knows about that attack, they keep quiet. 153 00:09:13,819 --> 00:09:15,320 You'd be smart to do the same thing. 154 00:09:15,353 --> 00:09:19,023 If this whole mystery train ride with your dead lover's sister doesn't pan out, 155 00:09:19,056 --> 00:09:20,459 make sure to hit me up on social media. 156 00:09:22,359 --> 00:09:23,460 Thanks, Shane. 157 00:09:23,494 --> 00:09:25,930 But I think I need to get the fuck out of this town. 158 00:09:26,464 --> 00:09:28,166 And above all 159 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:31,836 I never want to see another raccoon again. 160 00:09:31,869 --> 00:09:35,039 Now boarding the 9:11 train to D.C. 161 00:09:35,073 --> 00:09:38,811 Never forget that the 9:11 train is now boarding. 162 00:09:38,844 --> 00:09:42,147 How could anyone forget that the 9:11 train is now boarding? 163 00:09:42,180 --> 00:09:45,050 No one should ever forget about the 9:11 train. 164 00:09:45,083 --> 00:09:46,852 Well, you'd be surprised about 165 00:09:46,884 --> 00:09:48,920 how many people forget about the 9:11 train. 166 00:09:48,954 --> 00:09:52,825 It's like no one remembers anything about the 9:11 train anymore. 167 00:09:52,858 --> 00:09:54,026 Well, that's because these days, 168 00:09:54,059 --> 00:09:55,127 there's still a lot of questions 169 00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:57,563 about what really happened to the 9:11 train. 170 00:09:57,595 --> 00:09:58,630 You're going to bring up your doubts 171 00:09:58,664 --> 00:10:01,433 about what happened to the 9:11 train again? 172 00:10:01,465 --> 00:10:03,435 I'm just saying it's okay to ask questions 173 00:10:03,468 --> 00:10:05,337 about what our government really knew 174 00:10:05,369 --> 00:10:07,505 about the 9:11 train and when they knew it! 175 00:10:07,539 --> 00:10:08,774 Oh, my God. 176 00:10:08,806 --> 00:10:11,609 We're not arguing about what happened to the 9:11 train. 177 00:10:11,642 --> 00:10:14,345 Hey! I have a lot of questions... 178 00:10:19,984 --> 00:10:21,219 Hi, there. 179 00:10:21,252 --> 00:10:23,555 Has a woman named Darlene Bean picked up her tickets yet? 180 00:10:27,492 --> 00:10:31,296 Hey, are you Casey? I'm Darlene. 181 00:10:31,329 --> 00:10:32,998 Janine's sister. 182 00:10:33,031 --> 00:10:35,233 Wow, I can tell You look just like her. 183 00:10:35,267 --> 00:10:39,338 It's, it's uncanny, not to be weird or anything, but, 184 00:10:39,371 --> 00:10:41,406 I made this for you 185 00:10:41,439 --> 00:10:44,276 Hey, I hate to interrupt this really awkward moment, 186 00:10:44,309 --> 00:10:46,245 but did you guys want to pick up your tickets or... 187 00:10:46,277 --> 00:10:49,113 Yeah, there should be two tickets under my name, Smallwood. 188 00:10:49,147 --> 00:10:51,049 You didn't have to buy both of our tickets. 189 00:10:51,081 --> 00:10:51,915 It's not a problem. 190 00:10:51,950 --> 00:10:54,319 It's amazing how much money you save 191 00:10:54,352 --> 00:10:55,921 when you have no place to spend it. 192 00:10:55,954 --> 00:11:00,192 Okay. Uh, two tickets for Ty Smallwood. 193 00:11:00,224 --> 00:11:02,327 Actually changed my name, it's Casey now. 194 00:11:03,427 --> 00:11:04,562 Casey Smallwood. 195 00:11:04,595 --> 00:11:08,633 Well, your last name still means "small penis" though. 196 00:11:08,666 --> 00:11:13,939 Last call for the 9:11 train to D.C., last call! 197 00:11:13,972 --> 00:11:15,941 And no, we're not arguing about it anymore. 198 00:11:20,578 --> 00:11:22,615 So uh, how's your family doing? 199 00:11:23,714 --> 00:11:26,084 Uh, fine, I guess. 200 00:11:26,117 --> 00:11:29,253 I mean, as good as you can be when a member of your family 201 00:11:29,286 --> 00:11:32,391 mysteriously dies at a campground. 202 00:11:32,424 --> 00:11:35,928 Nobody ever really told us exactly how or why she died. 203 00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:38,630 Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that. 204 00:11:40,198 --> 00:11:41,934 Actually, I... 205 00:11:41,967 --> 00:11:45,137 I made you this Christmas present to get the conversation started 206 00:11:45,170 --> 00:11:47,606 That's an interesting necklace. 207 00:11:47,638 --> 00:11:50,709 Yeah, killed that raccoon myself ten years ago. 208 00:11:50,742 --> 00:11:53,612 Wait, seriously? You killed an innocent raccoon? 209 00:11:53,645 --> 00:11:55,948 Casey, you know I'm a big animal rights activist. 210 00:11:55,980 --> 00:11:57,349 I've written to you about it a lot. 211 00:11:57,382 --> 00:11:59,651 I-I mean, I know that! 212 00:11:59,684 --> 00:12:00,785 This was a bad one. 213 00:12:00,819 --> 00:12:03,322 It's actually part of the story about your sister. 214 00:12:03,988 --> 00:12:05,022 Jesus, dude. 215 00:12:05,055 --> 00:12:06,624 Well, it's a good thing we've got 216 00:12:06,657 --> 00:12:08,326 a long ass train ride ahead of us. 217 00:12:08,359 --> 00:12:09,360 Let's go. 218 00:12:11,095 --> 00:12:14,065 Looks like I've bitten off more than I can choo-choo. 219 00:12:16,166 --> 00:12:18,671 Oh, wow! How's it going there, young lady? 220 00:12:20,070 --> 00:12:22,040 Oh, okay, well. Hey, where ya going? 221 00:12:22,073 --> 00:12:23,475 Come on, I'm the train's photographer! 222 00:12:25,243 --> 00:12:26,210 So what are you, uh, 223 00:12:26,243 --> 00:12:27,713 traveling with your boyfriend or something? 224 00:12:27,746 --> 00:12:29,248 Or going dolo? 225 00:12:30,248 --> 00:12:31,416 She's traveling with me. 226 00:12:34,719 --> 00:12:35,653 Sorry. 227 00:12:35,686 --> 00:12:38,589 Hey, you look really familiar. Have we met? 228 00:12:38,623 --> 00:12:39,757 I don't think so. 229 00:12:39,791 --> 00:12:41,225 I just got out of prison. 230 00:12:41,258 --> 00:12:42,226 You? 231 00:12:42,259 --> 00:12:44,562 I was in jail for a bit about ten years ago 232 00:12:44,595 --> 00:12:46,065 I don' t think I know you from there. 233 00:12:46,730 --> 00:12:48,099 Look, sorry, man. 234 00:12:48,132 --> 00:12:50,199 Hope you have a good trip. 235 00:12:53,037 --> 00:12:54,438 And so, as the holiday train 236 00:12:54,472 --> 00:12:56,041 boards up again this Christmas Eve 237 00:12:56,074 --> 00:12:57,709 on its way to our nation's capital, 238 00:12:57,742 --> 00:13:00,378 the folks on board are prepared for some unannounced guests, 239 00:13:00,411 --> 00:13:03,248 perhaps even Santa Claus himself. 240 00:13:03,281 --> 00:13:05,217 For Network News, I'm Dick Weener. 241 00:13:07,084 --> 00:13:08,152 Did we get it? Good. 242 00:13:08,185 --> 00:13:09,253 I'm getting the fuck out of here. 243 00:13:09,286 --> 00:13:10,254 This place gives me the creeps! 244 00:13:10,287 --> 00:13:11,789 I've been the biggest name in the local news 245 00:13:11,823 --> 00:13:13,759 for ten years now and it's time to move on. 246 00:13:13,791 --> 00:13:15,393 The Secretary of Defense says once I get this 247 00:13:15,426 --> 00:13:16,527 spokesman job at the Pentagon, 248 00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:18,329 I don't need you plebeians anymore! 249 00:13:18,363 --> 00:13:20,099 Happy holidays, you sad sacks! 250 00:14:01,506 --> 00:14:02,307 The NSA tracks Santa on Christmas Eve, 251 00:14:02,339 --> 00:14:04,542 but who else are they tracking? 252 00:14:04,575 --> 00:14:06,777 - I don t trust them one bit. - Well, hello, Agent Woman. 253 00:14:06,810 --> 00:14:09,480 Looks like Santa got me a little present this year. 254 00:14:09,513 --> 00:14:11,082 Hello, Agent Charlesworth 255 00:14:11,116 --> 00:14:12,350 Care for a vod-sode? 256 00:14:12,382 --> 00:14:13,451 A vod what? 257 00:14:13,484 --> 00:14:15,454 A vod-sode. Vodka soda. 258 00:14:15,487 --> 00:14:17,322 It has the highest alcohol content 259 00:14:17,354 --> 00:14:19,090 and the lowest amount of calories. 260 00:14:22,727 --> 00:14:24,762 Hey! Hey, man! 261 00:14:24,796 --> 00:14:27,364 That's rape culture. Did you even wash your hands? 262 00:14:27,397 --> 00:14:28,867 What? Of course I washed my hands. 263 00:14:28,900 --> 00:14:30,401 I always wash my hands. 264 00:14:30,435 --> 00:14:32,570 - Okay. Then strip for me. - What? 265 00:14:32,603 --> 00:14:35,706 Strip for me, you big hairy man. Strip! 266 00:14:37,541 --> 00:14:39,110 Okay! 267 00:14:39,143 --> 00:14:40,311 There is no more freedom, 268 00:14:40,344 --> 00:14:42,147 there is no more personal freedom. 269 00:14:42,180 --> 00:14:44,281 If Jesus Christ were president, 270 00:14:44,315 --> 00:14:46,350 something like this would never happen! 271 00:14:56,828 --> 00:14:58,430 All right, boys. 272 00:14:58,463 --> 00:14:59,698 Let's go to work. 273 00:15:08,805 --> 00:15:12,143 First it was flu shots at Christmas, what else is next? 274 00:15:12,176 --> 00:15:15,379 I'm gonna ask if you have any nines or elevens? 275 00:15:15,412 --> 00:15:18,315 Well, I'm gonna go ahead tell ya to go fish! 276 00:15:18,349 --> 00:15:19,718 Dang nab it. 277 00:15:23,220 --> 00:15:24,488 They're trying to control... 278 00:15:24,522 --> 00:15:26,691 You hear something? 279 00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:31,795 Merry Christmas? 280 00:15:39,304 --> 00:15:42,274 All right, boys. We got ten minutes. 281 00:15:56,421 --> 00:16:00,791 Hey, there. Could you tell me what that girl over there is drinking? 282 00:16:00,825 --> 00:16:03,295 I'd like to have the same thing to be social. 283 00:16:03,328 --> 00:16:05,664 It's just that I haven't had a drink in ten years. 284 00:16:05,696 --> 00:16:06,731 I just got out of prison. 285 00:16:07,599 --> 00:16:08,967 For underage drinking. 286 00:16:08,999 --> 00:16:10,734 Are you a murderer? 287 00:16:10,767 --> 00:16:11,869 What? No! 288 00:16:11,902 --> 00:16:14,638 Oh, Phew. Okay. I have to ask. 289 00:16:14,671 --> 00:16:18,542 We get a lot of felons on here from that jail in Independence. 290 00:16:18,575 --> 00:16:20,411 Your friend is drinking a vod-sode. 291 00:16:20,445 --> 00:16:21,478 A what? 292 00:16:21,512 --> 00:16:23,949 A vod-sode. Vodka soda. 293 00:16:23,982 --> 00:16:25,416 It's the highest alcohol content 294 00:16:25,450 --> 00:16:27,252 with the lowest amount of calories. 295 00:16:27,285 --> 00:16:28,752 Let me go see if I can do this. 296 00:16:28,786 --> 00:16:29,787 I'll be back. 297 00:16:33,858 --> 00:16:35,392 Yo, Casey. 298 00:16:35,425 --> 00:16:37,929 Wanna join me for a drink? 299 00:16:37,961 --> 00:16:39,197 Yeah. 300 00:16:40,065 --> 00:16:43,435 Hey, your sister, she used to call me Ty, 301 00:16:43,468 --> 00:16:45,603 because that was my real name. 302 00:16:45,637 --> 00:16:47,705 But then, I changed my name to Casey, 303 00:16:47,738 --> 00:16:49,541 and you've been calling me that, 304 00:16:49,574 --> 00:16:51,343 which has been nice. 305 00:16:51,376 --> 00:16:55,647 But I guess if you want to, you could call me Ty, 306 00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:57,449 just like your dead sister did. 307 00:16:57,482 --> 00:16:59,384 I don't want to call you Ty, Casey. 308 00:16:59,416 --> 00:17:01,319 And I don't just want to keep hearing about 309 00:17:01,352 --> 00:17:03,722 your relationship with my dead sister. 310 00:17:03,754 --> 00:17:05,757 I'd love to know why she died, 311 00:17:05,789 --> 00:17:07,424 if you know anything about that. 312 00:17:07,458 --> 00:17:09,494 Yeah, I'm sorry. 313 00:17:09,526 --> 00:17:11,462 - It's just... - It's just what? 314 00:17:11,496 --> 00:17:13,364 Are you going to tell me what happened to her, 315 00:17:13,398 --> 00:17:14,833 or do you even know? 316 00:17:14,865 --> 00:17:17,334 I mean, was it your fault or something? 317 00:17:17,367 --> 00:17:18,869 I loved your sister. 318 00:17:18,902 --> 00:17:20,438 I didn't know she was going to die! 319 00:17:20,470 --> 00:17:22,007 My best friend died that summer, 320 00:17:22,039 --> 00:17:23,507 and so did a lot of other people. 321 00:17:23,540 --> 00:17:24,441 And I tried to stop it! 322 00:17:24,476 --> 00:17:26,710 Yeah, well, you did a great fucking job. 323 00:17:26,744 --> 00:17:28,813 If at any point you'd like to tell me exactly 324 00:17:28,845 --> 00:17:32,950 what happened to my dead sister, that would be great. 325 00:17:36,421 --> 00:17:38,422 Maybe I do need that vod-sode. 326 00:17:42,492 --> 00:17:45,296 Hey, Shelley What was in that vod-sode again? 327 00:17:45,330 --> 00:17:48,867 Well, it's like, vodka, but like, also soda. 328 00:17:48,900 --> 00:17:50,636 Great, I'll take one. 329 00:17:53,603 --> 00:17:57,842 Hey, Casey, I'm sorry I lashed out at you earlier. 330 00:17:57,874 --> 00:17:58,942 It's just... 331 00:17:58,976 --> 00:18:00,812 You were with my sister that summer 332 00:18:00,844 --> 00:18:04,449 and I just really need to know how she died. 333 00:18:04,481 --> 00:18:07,418 There's so much information my family and I never got 334 00:18:07,451 --> 00:18:10,821 and if you know anything about what happened, 335 00:18:10,854 --> 00:18:14,925 I'd just like to pick up our pen pal relationship and figure it out. 336 00:18:16,594 --> 00:18:18,863 Of course. 337 00:18:18,895 --> 00:18:20,632 And I promise, by the end of this trip, 338 00:18:20,664 --> 00:18:23,067 you'll know how your dead sister died. 339 00:18:23,101 --> 00:18:25,969 Thanks. I'm gonna go take a jog, 340 00:18:26,003 --> 00:18:28,440 but later we can have some drinks and talk. 341 00:18:44,122 --> 00:18:45,457 Let's go, boys. 342 00:18:49,994 --> 00:18:51,496 Oh, hey, look, don't get your psycho 343 00:18:51,528 --> 00:18:53,131 ex-con boyfriend to beat me up, all right? 344 00:18:53,163 --> 00:18:54,598 I was just trying to make conversation. 345 00:18:54,632 --> 00:18:55,834 He's not my boyfriend. 346 00:18:55,866 --> 00:18:57,068 Oh, now we're talking. 347 00:18:59,703 --> 00:19:02,906 Look, don t bring rape culture with you to work, okay? 348 00:19:02,940 --> 00:19:06,411 And if you even try to touch me, I'll beat you up. 349 00:19:07,778 --> 00:19:08,646 Look, I don't know about that. 350 00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:10,547 I've been doing a lot of this lately. 351 00:19:10,581 --> 00:19:11,716 Oh, wow. 352 00:19:11,748 --> 00:19:13,718 Well, why don't you go ahead and try and touch me then? 353 00:19:13,750 --> 00:19:14,786 Wait, what? 354 00:19:14,818 --> 00:19:16,653 Go ahead. Touch me. 355 00:19:16,687 --> 00:19:18,556 All right, I mean I guess that's consent, so... 356 00:19:20,591 --> 00:19:22,960 Ow! An electric shock I can't fuck with! 357 00:19:24,061 --> 00:19:25,430 Oh, come on! 358 00:19:26,863 --> 00:19:29,633 Oh, God, I can't breathe. I can't breathe! 359 00:19:32,135 --> 00:19:34,873 Come on. Where'd you learn that from? 360 00:19:34,905 --> 00:19:36,073 The NYPD? 361 00:19:36,106 --> 00:19:39,610 Ten years ago my sister and I took a self-defense class. 362 00:19:39,643 --> 00:19:42,613 Then she died on some camping trip in Independence, 363 00:19:42,646 --> 00:19:45,783 so I kept training to make sure nothing ever happened to me. 364 00:19:45,816 --> 00:19:47,484 Well, I'm really sorry to hear that, 365 00:19:47,517 --> 00:19:48,652 but I'm pretty sure you don't have to worry 366 00:19:48,686 --> 00:19:50,021 about getting killed on this train. 367 00:19:50,054 --> 00:19:52,457 Yeah, well, I certainly hope not. 368 00:19:54,558 --> 00:19:56,161 Hey, wait. 369 00:19:56,193 --> 00:19:58,896 You said your sister was killed on a camping trip in Independence? 370 00:20:00,230 --> 00:20:01,098 Yeah? 371 00:20:01,132 --> 00:20:02,933 I was there around ten years ago, too. 372 00:20:02,967 --> 00:20:05,036 I think I remember your friend, but I can't be sure. 373 00:20:05,068 --> 00:20:06,937 Yeah, well, I'm not sure either. 374 00:20:08,038 --> 00:20:09,407 Oh! 375 00:20:10,507 --> 00:20:12,844 Oh, goddamn. Hang in there fellas! 376 00:20:17,782 --> 00:20:19,050 You want paper or something? 377 00:20:19,950 --> 00:20:21,885 No, thank you. 378 00:20:21,919 --> 00:20:24,055 I'm just jotting down a few notes. 379 00:20:24,087 --> 00:20:26,023 Maybe I'll turn it into a screenplay or something. 380 00:20:26,056 --> 00:20:27,925 Oh, really? What about? 381 00:20:27,959 --> 00:20:30,027 Just about when I lost my virginity 382 00:20:30,061 --> 00:20:33,531 and the girl I lost it to was devoured by raccoons, 383 00:20:33,564 --> 00:20:34,798 and then a whole bunch of other people 384 00:20:34,832 --> 00:20:36,568 were killed by raccoons, too 385 00:20:36,601 --> 00:20:39,871 Including my best friend, at a summer camp. 386 00:20:39,903 --> 00:20:43,708 And then I was imprisoned for ten years for underage consumption. 387 00:20:47,844 --> 00:20:48,979 Okay. 388 00:20:49,013 --> 00:20:51,649 First of all, that sounds like a fucking shitty movie. 389 00:20:51,681 --> 00:20:52,549 Second of all, 390 00:20:52,583 --> 00:20:53,985 do you want some nuts with your drink? 391 00:20:54,017 --> 00:20:55,487 Or are you already there? 392 00:20:56,586 --> 00:20:58,155 No, I'm actually allergic to nuts. 393 00:20:58,189 --> 00:20:59,423 Shit, you better get to the kitchen 394 00:20:59,457 --> 00:21:01,726 and let the cooks know before they start cooking dinner. 395 00:21:01,758 --> 00:21:03,862 Almost all our food has nuts. 396 00:21:07,297 --> 00:21:09,166 Hold on a second, hold on. 397 00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:12,737 So you trying to tell me that you're allergic to nuts? 398 00:21:12,769 --> 00:21:15,038 And you want me to take all the nuts 399 00:21:15,072 --> 00:21:17,941 out of all the food in the whole kitchen? 400 00:21:17,975 --> 00:21:20,512 I mean, yeah, If that's possible. 401 00:21:20,545 --> 00:21:23,081 I just got out of jail and I'd be happy to eat anything. 402 00:21:23,613 --> 00:21:25,083 It just can't have nuts. 403 00:21:25,115 --> 00:21:26,950 Yeah, sure! If I just got out of prison, 404 00:21:26,984 --> 00:21:30,222 I'd be sick of eating nuts, too! 405 00:21:36,861 --> 00:21:38,530 Hurry, boys! Train's a-comin! 406 00:21:44,235 --> 00:21:47,906 Listen, I don t know how they do it in jail, but I can't change 407 00:21:47,939 --> 00:21:49,940 the menu of an entire train car 408 00:21:49,973 --> 00:21:52,743 just cause one jerk off's got a nut allergy! 409 00:21:52,776 --> 00:21:54,312 I mean, do you have anything without nuts? 410 00:21:54,344 --> 00:21:55,412 Yeah, actually. 411 00:21:55,446 --> 00:21:57,882 No problem. I actually, I got a new recipe for ya, 412 00:21:57,914 --> 00:21:59,116 it's called, uh, 413 00:21:59,150 --> 00:22:01,151 your momma's fucking pussy juices! 414 00:22:03,019 --> 00:22:04,189 You jail idiot! 415 00:22:13,698 --> 00:22:15,033 What the hell is going on? 416 00:22:15,065 --> 00:22:15,900 Whoa, man! 417 00:22:15,933 --> 00:22:17,067 Must have hit the old rough tracks! 418 00:22:17,102 --> 00:22:20,205 Seems like we're in for a dark Christmas in the dark! 419 00:22:23,074 --> 00:22:24,741 What the heck is this? 420 00:22:24,775 --> 00:22:27,579 I don't know! He don't look like one of our boys. 421 00:22:42,325 --> 00:22:44,629 Hey, what's going on here? 422 00:22:44,661 --> 00:22:46,631 Garbage train ran off the tracks. 423 00:22:46,663 --> 00:22:48,732 Lots of people got buried in the trash 424 00:22:48,766 --> 00:22:50,034 Went home to the Lord. 425 00:22:50,066 --> 00:22:52,135 What? There weren't no garbage trains 426 00:22:52,169 --> 00:22:53,305 coming through here. 427 00:22:54,705 --> 00:22:56,040 Where are all the bodies? 428 00:22:56,073 --> 00:22:57,141 Here! 429 00:23:05,815 --> 00:23:07,684 Whoa, whoa, whoa, people! 430 00:23:07,718 --> 00:23:10,287 Can't you see this violence is poisoning 431 00:23:10,321 --> 00:23:12,123 our children's minds! 432 00:23:17,228 --> 00:23:20,297 God has given us the engine. 433 00:23:20,331 --> 00:23:23,067 All right, boys, we have four minutes and twenty seconds. 434 00:23:23,100 --> 00:23:24,703 Let's move! 435 00:23:27,438 --> 00:23:29,907 Everybody to the back of the train! On the double! 436 00:23:29,940 --> 00:23:31,409 Don't make me ask twice! 437 00:23:48,459 --> 00:23:50,996 Gotta tweet! Must tweet! 438 00:23:58,869 --> 00:24:01,205 Gah! Ah! I have to tweet! 439 00:24:01,238 --> 00:24:04,875 You gonna post this on the Internet, newsman? 440 00:24:04,909 --> 00:24:06,377 Get the hell out of here! 441 00:24:06,410 --> 00:24:10,114 Everybody play it smart and put the smart phones in the bag. 442 00:24:15,085 --> 00:24:17,320 - Help! - Help. 443 00:24:17,353 --> 00:24:20,325 Merry Christmas! Ho, ho! 444 00:24:21,357 --> 00:24:22,926 Holy shit! 445 00:24:30,334 --> 00:24:31,402 What the hell? 446 00:24:39,809 --> 00:24:41,979 Looks like we got too many cooks in the kitchen. 447 00:24:42,346 --> 00:24:43,347 Get on it. 448 00:24:47,151 --> 00:24:48,486 How the heck did you do that? 449 00:24:48,518 --> 00:24:50,020 And what was that thing? 450 00:24:50,054 --> 00:24:51,221 It was a raccoon. 451 00:24:51,255 --> 00:24:52,790 And this is just the beginning. 452 00:24:53,958 --> 00:24:54,993 Get down! 453 00:25:01,832 --> 00:25:04,435 Looks like too many chefs spoiled the soup. 454 00:25:04,468 --> 00:25:05,737 We're all clear here. 455 00:25:07,872 --> 00:25:09,474 Ranger Danger! 456 00:25:09,507 --> 00:25:11,174 Merry Christmas. 457 00:25:11,208 --> 00:25:12,710 Got ya a little present. 458 00:25:15,078 --> 00:25:16,413 All right, let's move! 459 00:25:16,447 --> 00:25:18,850 All aboard for the Lord. 460 00:25:27,892 --> 00:25:29,026 Instead of Santa Claus coming 461 00:25:29,059 --> 00:25:30,894 - down the chimney to give you gifts - What the... 462 00:25:30,929 --> 00:25:33,797 It's the government busting down your door to take your kids! 463 00:25:33,831 --> 00:25:35,300 Ladies and gentlemen, wake up! 464 00:25:43,173 --> 00:25:45,876 How can the same shit happen to the same guy twice? 465 00:25:47,510 --> 00:25:51,915 At least this time I know I bit off something I can choo-choo. 466 00:25:55,286 --> 00:25:57,087 Oh, my God. 467 00:25:57,121 --> 00:25:58,922 Ranger Rick Danger! 468 00:25:58,956 --> 00:26:01,392 Merry Christmas, Agent Chunksworth. 469 00:26:01,424 --> 00:26:04,294 Looks like you've just seen the ghost of Christmas Past. 470 00:26:04,327 --> 00:26:06,863 Or should I say, summers past? 471 00:26:08,598 --> 00:26:11,135 Shitsnakes, huh? 472 00:26:13,269 --> 00:26:14,838 Agent Charlesworth. 473 00:26:14,872 --> 00:26:16,274 Jones! 474 00:26:16,306 --> 00:26:19,810 Looks like you've got yourself a little bit of a raccoon problem. 475 00:26:28,485 --> 00:26:29,887 Make yourselves comfortable 476 00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:30,988 You want some music? 477 00:26:31,020 --> 00:26:32,289 You guys like bands, right? 478 00:26:32,323 --> 00:26:33,925 They said you were dead, Danger. 479 00:26:33,958 --> 00:26:35,959 In fact, they said you all were dead. 480 00:26:37,193 --> 00:26:40,864 As any good scientist knows, if no one sees a dead body, 481 00:26:40,898 --> 00:26:43,901 then no one knows if that body is dead for real. 482 00:26:43,933 --> 00:26:45,402 Isn't that what happened to you, too? 483 00:26:45,436 --> 00:26:46,337 Now don't get me wrong, 484 00:26:46,371 --> 00:26:49,140 we all got the shit scratched out of us. 485 00:26:49,172 --> 00:26:51,041 But it wasn't nothing we couldn't handle. 486 00:26:51,075 --> 00:26:53,110 We're not a bunch of pussy college kids! 487 00:26:53,142 --> 00:26:56,413 I think it's great you got so rich and successful 488 00:26:56,447 --> 00:27:00,218 training raccoons for the military, but I guess you forgot 489 00:27:00,250 --> 00:27:03,186 there were a few more of us who knew the secrets of the campground. 490 00:27:03,219 --> 00:27:05,122 I get to tell you that we know all about 491 00:27:05,154 --> 00:27:09,226 the secret satellite operated by raccoons and that we want you 492 00:27:09,259 --> 00:27:12,462 to give us the shriek command codes so we can steal it! 493 00:27:12,496 --> 00:27:13,998 What? How did you know? 494 00:27:14,030 --> 00:27:15,966 You military guys gotta stop leaving your secret 495 00:27:15,999 --> 00:27:17,969 blueprints and files everywhere. 496 00:27:18,001 --> 00:27:21,238 You never know who's gonna get their dirty lil' paws on 'em 497 00:27:23,007 --> 00:27:24,575 Looks like they're all set up, Danger. 498 00:27:24,607 --> 00:27:26,844 Great! Hold on just a second. 499 00:27:28,077 --> 00:27:29,646 Merry Christmas Eve, folks. 500 00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:32,917 This is your main bad guy, Ranger Rick Danger speaking. 501 00:27:32,950 --> 00:27:35,353 Welcome aboard the Holiday Express. 502 00:27:35,385 --> 00:27:38,922 Or as I like to call it, Raccoon Railways. 503 00:27:38,956 --> 00:27:41,192 We will only be making express stops 504 00:27:41,225 --> 00:27:44,362 and by express stops, I mean one. 505 00:27:44,394 --> 00:27:46,196 Ranger Rick Danger? 506 00:27:46,229 --> 00:27:48,298 You've been loaded onto the back of this train 507 00:27:48,332 --> 00:27:50,601 for your own safety and have probably noticed 508 00:27:50,633 --> 00:27:53,237 the adorable, but highly-deadly raccoons 509 00:27:53,269 --> 00:27:55,238 with tiny wittle machine guns! 510 00:27:55,271 --> 00:27:56,673 If you do anything they don't like, 511 00:27:56,707 --> 00:27:59,010 they are ready, willing and able 512 00:27:59,043 --> 00:28:01,145 to pull those tiny triggers and kill ya! 513 00:28:01,178 --> 00:28:04,348 These little furballs are government trained killers 514 00:28:04,381 --> 00:28:06,550 and we're all here for revenge. 515 00:28:06,583 --> 00:28:08,386 Revenge, huh? 516 00:28:08,419 --> 00:28:10,088 Two can play at that game. 517 00:28:20,430 --> 00:28:23,366 Now, how about those shriek command codes for PEN15? 518 00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:25,603 We'll never give you the shriek command codes, Danger! 519 00:28:25,635 --> 00:28:27,504 And even if we did, how are you going 520 00:28:27,537 --> 00:28:29,306 to translate them into raccoon sounds 521 00:28:29,340 --> 00:28:30,708 without the voice modulation masks? 522 00:28:30,740 --> 00:28:32,242 All those are locked away deep in a... 523 00:28:32,276 --> 00:28:34,978 In a secret bunker just outside Independence? 524 00:28:35,011 --> 00:28:37,414 We know all about it, Chumplesjunk. 525 00:28:41,084 --> 00:28:42,987 Now, we know you'll do whatever it takes 526 00:28:43,019 --> 00:28:45,155 to keep us from scooping out the love of your life's 527 00:28:45,189 --> 00:28:47,557 cute lil' eyeball here with this hot spoon. 528 00:28:47,591 --> 00:28:50,161 Now while this spoon appears to be harmless, 529 00:28:50,193 --> 00:28:52,195 it's actually really super-hot! 530 00:28:52,228 --> 00:28:54,198 And when we stick it up to your lady's face, 531 00:28:54,230 --> 00:28:55,365 it's gonna hurt! 532 00:28:55,399 --> 00:28:56,700 And then when we scoop out her eye, 533 00:28:56,734 --> 00:28:58,369 she won't have no eye anymore! 534 00:28:58,401 --> 00:28:59,636 Now won't that be fucked up? 535 00:28:59,670 --> 00:29:03,975 A-B-C. 536 00:29:04,440 --> 00:29:08,546 One, two, three. 537 00:29:11,047 --> 00:29:13,183 Don't worry my love, he can't do anything 538 00:29:13,217 --> 00:29:14,352 with the shriek command codes 539 00:29:14,384 --> 00:29:16,019 without the voice modulation masks. 540 00:29:16,053 --> 00:29:18,488 Oh, really? Then why is he doing all of this? 541 00:29:18,521 --> 00:29:20,490 God, you are such a dumb set of dick and balls! 542 00:29:21,758 --> 00:29:22,660 He doesn't even have a way 543 00:29:22,693 --> 00:29:24,261 to get the codes to the PEN15 satellite. 544 00:29:24,295 --> 00:29:28,565 They need to be entered into the bunker's transcoding system simultaneously. 545 00:29:28,598 --> 00:29:31,201 For God's sake, Woman! Give him your code! 546 00:29:31,235 --> 00:29:34,604 E-I-E-I-O. 547 00:29:43,413 --> 00:29:45,983 Man, those are some dumb codes! 548 00:29:56,492 --> 00:29:59,095 Yep, we've known all about your secret raccoon 549 00:29:59,129 --> 00:30:01,132 space program for some time now. 550 00:30:01,164 --> 00:30:03,066 Wasn't too hard to figure out. 551 00:30:03,100 --> 00:30:06,137 We even stole some of your really cool satellite shit, too. 552 00:30:06,170 --> 00:30:09,239 That satellite's a smaller version of the one you have in the bunker, 553 00:30:09,273 --> 00:30:12,343 and as long as we're on this train, it'll work just fine. 554 00:30:26,789 --> 00:30:28,658 So what are you doing now, prick? 555 00:30:28,691 --> 00:30:31,261 Oh, I'm just hacking into the U.S. military's 556 00:30:31,295 --> 00:30:33,397 top secret raccoon-controlled satellite. 557 00:30:33,430 --> 00:30:35,231 Ha! That's not possible. 558 00:30:35,265 --> 00:30:37,700 Oh, no? Skippy! Pippy! 559 00:30:39,670 --> 00:30:41,072 You taught them English? 560 00:30:41,104 --> 00:30:42,506 You gave them names? 561 00:30:42,538 --> 00:30:43,540 .Yeah, it wasn't hard! 562 00:30:44,240 --> 00:30:46,643 .And here we go! 563 00:31:05,895 --> 00:31:07,230 Shitsnakes. 564 00:31:21,178 --> 00:31:24,415 Oh, baby, we're in! Daddy'd be so proud of me. 565 00:31:24,448 --> 00:31:26,717 Oh, I forgot all about them. 566 00:31:28,285 --> 00:31:29,853 Well, they've done a lot of hard work today. 567 00:31:29,886 --> 00:31:32,188 We'll let them go home for the holidays. 568 00:31:32,221 --> 00:31:34,325 - But you said... - Move it, Chester! 569 00:31:36,492 --> 00:31:38,428 Jones, Billington, please! 570 00:31:38,461 --> 00:31:40,263 You don't realize what you're doing! 571 00:31:40,296 --> 00:31:41,464 We used to be colleagues! 572 00:31:41,498 --> 00:31:43,234 We used to fight these raccoons together! 573 00:31:43,267 --> 00:31:45,768 Those were the days before you sold out! 574 00:31:45,802 --> 00:31:47,738 Oh, I'm dead for real now. 575 00:31:47,770 --> 00:31:49,373 Right this way, m'lady! 576 00:31:49,405 --> 00:31:50,640 Don't call me your lady. 577 00:31:50,673 --> 00:31:52,575 That's the language of the patriarchy! 578 00:31:52,609 --> 00:31:54,879 Would saying "ladies first" be sexist? 579 00:31:54,911 --> 00:31:56,380 Yes, it would! 580 00:31:56,412 --> 00:31:57,448 Okay, great 581 00:32:00,816 --> 00:32:02,152 Ladies first! 582 00:32:04,787 --> 00:32:05,788 Jesus! 583 00:32:05,823 --> 00:32:08,592 While the rest of the world was going digital, 584 00:32:08,624 --> 00:32:12,228 we made the PEN15 work for us by analog. 585 00:32:12,261 --> 00:32:14,565 You can put a bunch of shriek command codes on here, 586 00:32:14,597 --> 00:32:16,867 or just a bunch of raccoon porn. 587 00:32:21,404 --> 00:32:22,940 With all the satellite's operating data 588 00:32:22,972 --> 00:32:25,742 stored on this VHS tape, no one can hack into our system. 589 00:32:25,776 --> 00:32:27,510 Unless they've got two VCRs, 590 00:32:27,544 --> 00:32:28,813 which is pretty fucking rare. 591 00:32:32,348 --> 00:32:33,616 Oh, boy! 592 00:32:33,650 --> 00:32:34,919 Looks like we got 593 00:32:34,951 --> 00:32:36,921 some shriek command codes to blow some shit up! 594 00:32:36,953 --> 00:32:37,954 Okay, Danger. 595 00:32:37,988 --> 00:32:40,290 Ticklesturd and the woman are both dead for real, 596 00:32:40,324 --> 00:32:42,392 got the hostages in the back of the train. 597 00:32:42,426 --> 00:32:43,727 We better make sure these little fellas 598 00:32:43,759 --> 00:32:46,564 have it under control. I don't want any boo-boos. 599 00:32:51,434 --> 00:32:52,536 Okay, boys and girls. 600 00:32:52,568 --> 00:32:54,171 Let's get it started in here! 601 00:33:03,814 --> 00:33:06,517 What the freak is going on? 602 00:33:06,549 --> 00:33:07,951 PEN15 missing! 603 00:33:07,985 --> 00:33:09,753 PEN15 can't be found! 604 00:33:09,786 --> 00:33:11,788 Tammy, get me a freaking report! 605 00:33:11,822 --> 00:33:14,458 The space thingy's gone bye-bye! 606 00:33:14,490 --> 00:33:15,992 What do you mean? What bye-bye? 607 00:33:16,026 --> 00:33:17,961 PEN15! 608 00:33:17,995 --> 00:33:19,162 Bring it up on the screen. 609 00:33:19,196 --> 00:33:21,665 We can't! It's like somebody stole it or something! 610 00:33:21,698 --> 00:33:25,002 Oh, goddamnit! We were almost out of here for the holidays! 611 00:33:25,035 --> 00:33:25,936 Okay, here's what we do. 612 00:33:25,969 --> 00:33:27,770 We're going to go to Code Crazy status, 613 00:33:27,804 --> 00:33:30,341 we re gonna call Tom Puncher, Agent Charlesworth 614 00:33:30,373 --> 00:33:31,909 and Agent Woman as soon as possible. 615 00:33:31,941 --> 00:33:32,977 Yes, sir! 616 00:33:33,009 --> 00:33:34,511 Mr. Jones, Dr. Billington 617 00:33:34,545 --> 00:33:38,748 The military's top secret raccoon-controlled satellite belongs to us now. 618 00:33:52,763 --> 00:33:54,732 Oh, God! 619 00:33:54,765 --> 00:33:55,800 Come on, get in there! 620 00:33:58,000 --> 00:33:59,036 Oh, man! I thought you were one of those 621 00:33:59,068 --> 00:34:00,870 ugly beavers man, with the guns! 622 00:34:00,903 --> 00:34:02,006 What are you doing out there? 623 00:34:02,038 --> 00:34:04,575 Oh, you know... 624 00:34:04,607 --> 00:34:05,475 ...just hanging out. 625 00:34:05,508 --> 00:34:07,411 - What's behind that door? - No, wait, wait! 626 00:34:07,443 --> 00:34:09,680 There's a bunch of those rodents out there, man! Don t open it! 627 00:34:09,712 --> 00:34:11,448 What, are you trying to become otter food or something? 628 00:34:11,480 --> 00:34:13,517 They're not otters, they're not beavers. 629 00:34:13,549 --> 00:34:15,852 They're raccoons. And they're smart ones. 630 00:34:15,886 --> 00:34:17,255 Hold on. How do you know that? 631 00:34:18,020 --> 00:34:19,723 Story of my life. 632 00:34:19,756 --> 00:34:22,826 Do we have all our rich foreign clients online yet, Mr. Jones? 633 00:34:22,859 --> 00:34:26,864 Yep! We got Iran, Russia and North Korea now on the line. 634 00:34:28,364 --> 00:34:29,632 Gentlemen, how are ya? 635 00:34:29,665 --> 00:34:32,035 Riding camels, drinking vodka and me so horny? 636 00:34:32,069 --> 00:34:34,538 No, but seriously folks, I'm going to show you what the U.S. 637 00:34:34,571 --> 00:34:35,806 military's been hiding from ya. 638 00:34:35,839 --> 00:34:38,942 I know many of you have a hard time understanding the concept 639 00:34:38,975 --> 00:34:41,078 of a high-powered, raccoon-operated satellite 640 00:34:41,111 --> 00:34:43,080 and let's face it, who the fuck can blame ya? 641 00:34:43,113 --> 00:34:46,450 But do me a favor and keep a close eye on the city of Cannes 642 00:34:46,482 --> 00:34:47,917 for the next few minutes. 643 00:34:49,886 --> 00:34:51,455 What the hell is going on? 644 00:34:51,488 --> 00:34:52,756 Oh, hey there Tom. Nothing. 645 00:34:52,788 --> 00:34:54,591 We're locked out of the system for the moment. 646 00:34:54,623 --> 00:34:55,892 I thought we were the system! 647 00:34:55,926 --> 00:34:58,629 Anything from Agent Charlesworth or Agent Woman yet? 648 00:34:58,661 --> 00:34:59,763 Negative, sir. 649 00:34:59,796 --> 00:35:01,332 Now this is where it gets fun. 650 00:35:01,364 --> 00:35:03,433 Jones, you ever been to France? 651 00:35:03,466 --> 00:35:06,469 Nah, I always heard it was a bunch of liberal pussies! 652 00:35:06,502 --> 00:35:09,006 Well, you wouldn't be wrong, but it's also full of a bunch of 653 00:35:09,038 --> 00:35:10,807 wine-addicted people who are gonna have to 654 00:35:10,841 --> 00:35:12,042 get a whole lot drunker this Christmas 655 00:35:12,075 --> 00:35:14,745 when their prize film city gets blown away 656 00:35:14,777 --> 00:35:17,413 with a raccoon operated laser satellite! 657 00:35:17,446 --> 00:35:19,015 Look, man, I can't die here, okay? 658 00:35:19,049 --> 00:35:21,352 I'm sick and tired of these motherfucking coons 659 00:35:21,384 --> 00:35:22,819 on this motherfucking train! 660 00:35:24,488 --> 00:35:25,788 You mean raccoons, right? 661 00:35:25,821 --> 00:35:27,357 Of course! What else would I mean? 662 00:35:27,390 --> 00:35:29,559 Double A! You're not going to die on this train! 663 00:35:29,593 --> 00:35:30,895 Trust me, I was once like you. 664 00:35:30,928 --> 00:35:34,364 I lost the girl I loved and my best friend to these raccoons, 665 00:35:34,397 --> 00:35:36,733 but I grew up, I fought back and I won. 666 00:35:36,767 --> 00:35:39,102 And if I can do it, you can, too. 667 00:35:39,136 --> 00:35:41,772 Now, is there some way to contact the outside world 668 00:35:41,805 --> 00:35:43,940 on this train? Like a pay phone? 669 00:35:43,973 --> 00:35:47,678 Uh, pay phone? You know we could just try to get my smart phone. 670 00:35:47,710 --> 00:35:48,645 I mean, they took everything else, 671 00:35:48,678 --> 00:35:50,646 but mine's in my bag in the passenger car. 672 00:35:50,680 --> 00:35:51,915 I'm sorry, a what phone? 673 00:35:51,948 --> 00:35:53,583 A smart phone? 674 00:35:53,616 --> 00:35:56,053 I mean, it's one of the most important pieces of technology in the last ten years? 675 00:35:56,819 --> 00:35:57,720 Oh, right 676 00:35:57,754 --> 00:35:59,655 You've been in jail the last ten years. 677 00:36:02,993 --> 00:36:04,194 Now watch this, Jones. 678 00:36:04,227 --> 00:36:07,663 I'm about to turn Cannes into "Can't be found on the map!" 679 00:36:09,732 --> 00:36:11,901 Because it's about to drop into the sea. 680 00:36:11,935 --> 00:36:15,471 Yeah, I got it. That's a good one. 681 00:36:15,504 --> 00:36:16,839 Skippy! Pippy! Do it! 682 00:36:24,948 --> 00:36:26,517 There it is! We got it back! 683 00:36:26,549 --> 00:36:27,850 Oh, thank Christ. 684 00:36:27,884 --> 00:36:29,387 I'm going back to the whorehouse. 685 00:36:33,656 --> 00:36:35,491 What the freak? 686 00:36:35,524 --> 00:36:37,827 Okay, so after I'm able to use the tiny keyboard 687 00:36:37,861 --> 00:36:40,998 on the "smart phone," I'll be able to find social media? 688 00:36:41,031 --> 00:36:43,600 Yeah, man. But look, never try to type while driving. You know what I'm saying? 689 00:36:43,632 --> 00:36:46,002 That's partly why I hit a raccoon ten years ago with my car 690 00:36:46,035 --> 00:36:48,104 - and ended up in jail! - Wait a minute 691 00:36:48,138 --> 00:36:49,506 We do know each other! 692 00:36:49,538 --> 00:36:51,507 I got arrested that same night in Independence! 693 00:36:51,540 --> 00:36:52,942 Oh, my God. 694 00:36:52,975 --> 00:36:55,578 You hit the momma raccoon that night and saved us. 695 00:36:55,611 --> 00:36:57,780 You do know how to fight these raccoons. 696 00:36:57,814 --> 00:37:00,216 But this time, we're not going to jail for it. 697 00:37:00,250 --> 00:37:02,018 This time, we're gonna win. 698 00:37:02,051 --> 00:37:04,954 Destroyed buildings, burning baguettes, 699 00:37:04,988 --> 00:37:07,024 thousands of rolls of film on fire. 700 00:37:07,056 --> 00:37:09,692 France is about to look like a World War II movie. 701 00:37:09,725 --> 00:37:11,727 It's processing the shriek command codes! 702 00:37:11,761 --> 00:37:14,198 I can't make it go offey! 703 00:37:14,230 --> 00:37:16,200 My God, they're targeting Cannes! 704 00:37:22,739 --> 00:37:25,108 It's going into arming mode! 705 00:37:25,140 --> 00:37:26,709 Shut it off, goddammit! 706 00:37:26,743 --> 00:37:29,078 They left me for dead, threw me to the raccoons, 707 00:37:29,111 --> 00:37:31,714 said I couldn't fill my daddy's shoes! 708 00:37:31,747 --> 00:37:33,950 They're activating a full scale seismic blast! 709 00:37:33,984 --> 00:37:35,853 Freaking shut it down! 710 00:37:38,922 --> 00:37:41,058 The abort shriek commands aren't going through! 711 00:37:41,091 --> 00:37:43,893 No one's gonna laugh at the name Ranger Rick Danger this year, 712 00:37:43,926 --> 00:37:45,195 or ever again! 713 00:38:00,009 --> 00:38:02,645 Shitsnakes? What does that even mean? 714 00:38:02,678 --> 00:38:04,947 That's something Ranger Rick Danger used to say. 715 00:38:04,980 --> 00:38:07,850 Call General Apathy at the Pentagon as soon as possible. 716 00:38:07,884 --> 00:38:10,521 Actually, General Apathy is in Independence this weekend. 717 00:38:11,321 --> 00:38:13,556 He was here for the holidays. 718 00:38:13,589 --> 00:38:16,125 Tell him Santa Claus is stuck in a freaking chimney. 719 00:38:17,127 --> 00:38:19,863 Now, gentlemen, as you can see, our high powered, 720 00:38:19,895 --> 00:38:23,299 raccoon-operated satellite is fully operational. 721 00:38:37,781 --> 00:38:39,983 Now that was just a little present for Christmas Eve. 722 00:38:40,015 --> 00:38:42,184 Our big old gift under a Christmas tree 723 00:38:42,218 --> 00:38:44,187 is called the Denver International Airport, 724 00:38:44,219 --> 00:38:47,256 where the U.S. government built a top secret military bunker 725 00:38:47,290 --> 00:38:49,259 that they won't even tell their citizens about! 726 00:38:49,292 --> 00:38:51,929 With the PEN15, we can take out the bunker, 727 00:38:51,962 --> 00:38:56,333 split the Rocky Mountains in two and divide the United States forever. 728 00:38:56,366 --> 00:38:59,102 The fee for this convenient empire removal? 729 00:38:59,134 --> 00:39:01,203 One gazillion dollars! 730 00:39:01,236 --> 00:39:04,073 One gazillion dollars? 731 00:39:05,808 --> 00:39:07,577 I just, I just made up a number, I... 732 00:39:08,712 --> 00:39:10,113 Ah, shit. 733 00:39:10,145 --> 00:39:12,682 What the hell is all this? 734 00:39:12,716 --> 00:39:13,917 I don't know, General. 735 00:39:13,950 --> 00:39:15,819 And I bet Congress doesn't know either. 736 00:39:15,852 --> 00:39:18,254 Generals! Thanks so much for coming. 737 00:39:18,288 --> 00:39:20,257 Uh, and happy holidays. 738 00:39:20,290 --> 00:39:22,125 Shut up, Mr. Secretary. 739 00:39:22,158 --> 00:39:24,261 What's really going on around here? 740 00:39:24,294 --> 00:39:25,696 And don't tell me it's one of those 741 00:39:25,728 --> 00:39:27,997 food stamp phone bank deals either. 742 00:39:28,031 --> 00:39:30,233 That's a funny one, sir. 743 00:39:30,265 --> 00:39:32,234 Okay, bring up the data images. 744 00:39:32,268 --> 00:39:35,172 So, sir, what we're looking at up here is PEN15, 745 00:39:35,205 --> 00:39:38,141 a brand new, recently launched laser satellite 746 00:39:38,174 --> 00:39:40,811 that's part of our raccoon weapons program. 747 00:39:40,843 --> 00:39:42,278 It's operated by raccoons 748 00:39:42,312 --> 00:39:46,016 and can only be communicated with via raccoon sounds. 749 00:39:46,049 --> 00:39:49,018 I've seen bigger, but what the hell does this thing do? 750 00:39:49,051 --> 00:39:51,254 It's fancy Pentagon speech, General. 751 00:39:51,286 --> 00:39:53,390 It's one of those Tesla earthquake machines. 752 00:39:53,422 --> 00:39:54,924 I thought they canned it, 753 00:39:54,957 --> 00:39:58,127 but those clowns got funding through the Secretary's dumb raccoon program. 754 00:39:58,160 --> 00:40:00,262 I thought we shut that down! 755 00:40:00,296 --> 00:40:02,131 The CIA financed the project. 756 00:40:02,165 --> 00:40:04,067 What? You're telling me 757 00:40:04,100 --> 00:40:07,871 that your raccoon weapons program went into space? 758 00:40:07,904 --> 00:40:09,506 So, General, here's the problem. 759 00:40:09,538 --> 00:40:14,076 The raccoons at the moment are being controlled by somebody else and we can't stop it. 760 00:40:14,109 --> 00:40:16,646 My God. The earthquake that hit Cannes? 761 00:40:16,680 --> 00:40:19,950 We already have a disinformation campaign in full swing, General. 762 00:40:19,982 --> 00:40:21,283 We're blaming it on fracking. 763 00:40:21,317 --> 00:40:24,286 Fracking? What the frack is fracking? 764 00:40:24,319 --> 00:40:27,323 I guess that's what we should expect from the CIA these days! 765 00:40:27,357 --> 00:40:30,427 Okay, we are now going into Code Lunacy status, folks. 766 00:40:30,460 --> 00:40:33,664 So let's find this raccoon satellite now! 767 00:41:10,100 --> 00:41:12,268 Jesus, this keyboard is tiny. 768 00:41:22,145 --> 00:41:24,014 Did someone leave a smartphone on back there? 769 00:41:24,047 --> 00:41:25,882 Why don't you furballs go in there and it check out! 770 00:42:04,120 --> 00:42:05,355 Oh, I should probably be careful 771 00:42:05,388 --> 00:42:06,790 wearing a hoodie around here. 772 00:42:19,102 --> 00:42:21,270 Say there Billy boy, will you go check on 773 00:42:21,303 --> 00:42:23,973 the lil' guy I sent back to the sleeping car? 774 00:42:24,006 --> 00:42:26,175 He might need a lil' human help. 775 00:42:26,542 --> 00:42:27,977 Sure thing. 776 00:42:37,553 --> 00:42:40,556 Okay, Danger, looks like they're ready to call the bunker. 777 00:42:40,589 --> 00:42:43,893 Fuck, yeah! Time to say Merry Christmas to the Mayor, boys. 778 00:42:46,196 --> 00:42:49,366 Oh, man! Where'd you get that tiny machine gun? 779 00:42:49,399 --> 00:42:50,801 From a little friend. 780 00:42:50,834 --> 00:42:51,902 Did you find any weapons? 781 00:42:51,935 --> 00:42:54,070 Naw, man, I just found this hoodie and a sandwich. 782 00:42:54,102 --> 00:42:55,371 And I ate the sandwich. 783 00:42:55,404 --> 00:42:57,339 Hey, any luck with my smartphone? 784 00:42:57,372 --> 00:43:01,477 It wasn't easy, but if I was able to use that tiny keyboard 785 00:43:01,511 --> 00:43:03,781 then you can use this tiny machine gun. 786 00:43:10,853 --> 00:43:12,122 Hold it like that 787 00:43:12,156 --> 00:43:13,190 You might need to pull the trigger with your pinky finger. 788 00:43:13,223 --> 00:43:15,793 Aw, come on, man, my fingers aren't that chubby. 789 00:43:23,165 --> 00:43:24,301 Something's afoot! 790 00:43:25,067 --> 00:43:26,569 What's up? 791 00:43:26,602 --> 00:43:27,970 How are you? 792 00:43:28,971 --> 00:43:30,272 Now, who the hell is that? 793 00:43:30,306 --> 00:43:32,843 My God, that's Ranger Rick Danger! 794 00:43:32,875 --> 00:43:36,011 Well, technically not a Ranger anymore, Mr. Mayor, 795 00:43:36,044 --> 00:43:40,382 or should I say Mr. Secretary, since you fired me ten years ago 796 00:43:40,415 --> 00:43:41,884 and tossed me away. 797 00:43:41,917 --> 00:43:43,953 As you can see, I've survived 798 00:43:43,986 --> 00:43:47,323 and taken the time to learn all the neat weapons you left on the campground, 799 00:43:47,357 --> 00:43:49,092 including the raccoons! 800 00:43:49,125 --> 00:43:51,261 And at this point, you're probably wondering 801 00:43:51,294 --> 00:43:53,864 how we took control of the PEN15! 802 00:43:53,897 --> 00:43:56,433 I wish Agent Chumpleshirt and his lady friend 803 00:43:56,466 --> 00:43:57,933 could tell you all about it, 804 00:43:57,966 --> 00:44:00,336 but unfortunately, they're dead for real now. 805 00:44:00,370 --> 00:44:01,404 Come on! 806 00:44:01,437 --> 00:44:04,241 I'm knobbing as fast I can! 807 00:44:04,274 --> 00:44:07,277 And since you guys probably know where PEN15 fired from, 808 00:44:07,310 --> 00:44:09,379 you think you're gonna find it real soon. 809 00:44:09,411 --> 00:44:10,613 Jones! 810 00:44:10,647 --> 00:44:13,415 That little furball we sent to the sleeping car is missing! 811 00:44:13,448 --> 00:44:15,551 Missing? Where'd he go? 812 00:44:15,585 --> 00:44:18,455 I don't know! I don't have the slightest idea! 813 00:44:18,488 --> 00:44:22,192 As you can see by PEN15's little demo today, 814 00:44:22,225 --> 00:44:26,096 your high-powered raccoon-operated satellite works like a dream. 815 00:44:26,129 --> 00:44:29,598 And now I'm going to use it and make it work like a nightmare. 816 00:44:29,631 --> 00:44:32,468 In 40 minutes, when the PEN15 is in place, 817 00:44:32,502 --> 00:44:38,007 I'm gonna use it to hit Denver with a 9,999 percent blast! 818 00:44:38,040 --> 00:44:40,009 Y'all like blasts, right? 819 00:44:40,042 --> 00:44:42,077 Well, I'm going to use it to blow up the secret bunker 820 00:44:42,111 --> 00:44:44,647 you say isn't under the Denver airport. 821 00:44:47,015 --> 00:44:48,350 Son of a bitch! 822 00:44:48,384 --> 00:44:51,521 There'll be destruction, desolation and dang it! 823 00:44:51,553 --> 00:44:53,589 They'll have to redo all the maps. 824 00:44:53,622 --> 00:44:56,225 And you thought the country was divided now. 825 00:44:56,259 --> 00:44:57,560 Oh, and one more thing. 826 00:44:57,593 --> 00:44:59,462 I was always a pretty sweet Ranger. 827 00:44:59,495 --> 00:45:01,230 And my daddy was a good Ranger, too. 828 00:45:01,263 --> 00:45:03,999 And when the raccoons took over the campground, 829 00:45:04,033 --> 00:45:06,368 you didn't give me what I needed to take care of them. 830 00:45:06,402 --> 00:45:08,238 You betrayed me, Mr. Mayor. 831 00:45:08,270 --> 00:45:09,339 You betrayed your country, 832 00:45:09,372 --> 00:45:13,243 and now the raccoons are coming home to roost. 833 00:45:13,276 --> 00:45:14,511 Until we meet again. 834 00:45:14,544 --> 00:45:15,978 Assholes! 835 00:45:16,011 --> 00:45:17,479 Oh, Jesus Christ! 836 00:45:17,513 --> 00:45:20,049 Can somebody tell me what "dos vidaniya" means? 837 00:45:22,352 --> 00:45:24,386 - Where do you think he went? - I don t know! 838 00:45:24,419 --> 00:45:25,654 I'll go check the kitchen. 839 00:45:25,687 --> 00:45:27,589 Can somebody please let me know 840 00:45:27,622 --> 00:45:32,227 if we can track down this Danger guy before he blows up Denver? 841 00:45:32,261 --> 00:45:34,096 Maybe we should check the Moscow airport. 842 00:45:34,129 --> 00:45:36,966 Well, sir, the fact of the matter is we have to look through 843 00:45:37,000 --> 00:45:39,703 the entire Earth's atmosphere to find this thing. 844 00:45:39,736 --> 00:45:41,004 It's going to be tough. 845 00:45:41,036 --> 00:45:44,040 Maybe we could find it in the sky! 846 00:45:44,073 --> 00:45:46,442 What? What are you talking about? 847 00:45:46,475 --> 00:45:50,312 I mean, the satellite thingy's in the sky 848 00:45:50,346 --> 00:45:54,417 and then we should probably be looking in the sky, 849 00:45:54,450 --> 00:45:58,620 cause that's where the satellite thingy was, 850 00:45:58,654 --> 00:46:00,090 you know? 851 00:46:00,122 --> 00:46:01,256 Oh, okay. 852 00:46:01,290 --> 00:46:02,625 Sounds good, I buy it. 853 00:46:02,658 --> 00:46:03,960 So where should we go? 854 00:46:03,993 --> 00:46:06,395 I need to get to the front of this train and see if I can stop it. 855 00:46:06,428 --> 00:46:08,397 You harness that energy you had ten years ago 856 00:46:08,431 --> 00:46:09,666 when you hit that momma raccoon. 857 00:46:09,698 --> 00:46:10,967 I know you can do it! 858 00:46:15,071 --> 00:46:16,773 You know what this is? 859 00:46:16,806 --> 00:46:18,708 This is what my friend Casey gave me. 860 00:46:18,741 --> 00:46:21,143 He said he killed the raccoon himself. 861 00:46:21,176 --> 00:46:24,513 That's right. I remember him saying something about that. 862 00:46:24,547 --> 00:46:25,648 I thought he was crazy, 863 00:46:25,681 --> 00:46:27,417 but maybe he was on to something. 864 00:46:27,450 --> 00:46:30,687 Exactly! He can fight these raccoons, 865 00:46:30,719 --> 00:46:32,522 no matter how cute they seem. 866 00:46:46,669 --> 00:46:51,274 Boys, it looks like there might be a surprise in Santa's sack. 867 00:46:51,306 --> 00:46:53,343 Fellas, let's do a double check. 868 00:47:10,125 --> 00:47:11,660 Fireworks and Wet Naps? 869 00:47:18,734 --> 00:47:20,303 We find anything yet? 870 00:47:21,571 --> 00:47:23,406 Checking now. 871 00:47:26,808 --> 00:47:29,478 The Lord has blessed us with clearance up here. 872 00:47:29,511 --> 00:47:31,647 Did you check the whole goddamn thing? 873 00:47:31,681 --> 00:47:34,584 Oh, my! I wish he wouldn't use language like that. 874 00:47:34,616 --> 00:47:36,585 Will one of you boys go check back there? 875 00:47:45,594 --> 00:47:47,230 God! He's up here in the engine! 876 00:47:55,805 --> 00:47:57,806 Jones, we're getting hit hard up here! 877 00:47:57,839 --> 00:48:00,477 Goddamn! I'm on my way. 878 00:48:03,411 --> 00:48:05,348 God has nothing to do with this. 879 00:48:20,529 --> 00:48:23,600 Any day now, gentlemen. This is most unpleasant. 880 00:48:26,736 --> 00:48:28,105 Come on, Doc! 881 00:48:53,395 --> 00:48:54,631 Oh, yeah. Pippy got him! 882 00:48:54,663 --> 00:48:56,332 Motherfucker fell under the engine! 883 00:48:56,364 --> 00:48:57,801 Check the wheels! 884 00:49:00,969 --> 00:49:02,805 She got him. 885 00:49:02,837 --> 00:49:06,509 Danger, our stowaway has been exterminated. 886 00:49:07,442 --> 00:49:08,777 You sure, Jones? 887 00:49:08,810 --> 00:49:10,779 Doc says he went under the wheels. 888 00:49:10,812 --> 00:49:13,450 By now, the bastard's reindeer meat. 889 00:49:18,520 --> 00:49:19,689 Goddamn. 890 00:49:19,721 --> 00:49:21,457 That was fucking frustrating. 891 00:49:21,489 --> 00:49:23,426 Whoever that brave motherfucker is, 892 00:49:23,459 --> 00:49:25,495 he just took out a bunch of our best raccoons. 893 00:49:25,527 --> 00:49:26,763 All right, come on. 894 00:49:35,738 --> 00:49:39,542 Jones, I thought you said you trained these raccoons to be killing machines. 895 00:49:39,575 --> 00:49:41,977 I trained these furballs to be computer geniuses 896 00:49:42,011 --> 00:49:43,446 and they're doing a great fucking job. 897 00:49:43,478 --> 00:49:46,815 They do pretty good against people who never fought raccoons before, 898 00:49:46,848 --> 00:49:49,718 but it's like this guy has actually fought raccoons. 899 00:49:49,752 --> 00:49:52,555 But where? And when? 900 00:49:52,587 --> 00:49:55,658 And what the goddamn hell was he doing on this train? 901 00:49:55,690 --> 00:49:58,428 Jones was a pest removal expert and avid hunter 902 00:49:58,460 --> 00:50:00,763 from Independence whose body was also never found. 903 00:50:00,796 --> 00:50:02,665 He had inside knowledge of the campground 904 00:50:02,698 --> 00:50:03,933 and knew how to handle any weapon. 905 00:50:03,966 --> 00:50:07,536 Well, as usual, General, the CIA isn't giving you the full story. 906 00:50:07,569 --> 00:50:09,372 In addition to Jones and Danger 907 00:50:09,404 --> 00:50:12,374 and the now-probably- dead-for-real Agent Charlesworth, 908 00:50:12,408 --> 00:50:14,576 the other experts at Raccoon Creek ten years ago 909 00:50:14,609 --> 00:50:17,879 were the local pastor, Reverend Pookie and Dr. Billington 910 00:50:17,913 --> 00:50:19,382 from the campground's clinic. 911 00:50:19,415 --> 00:50:21,317 Their bodies were also never found. 912 00:50:21,350 --> 00:50:22,785 Well sure, everybody knows 913 00:50:22,817 --> 00:50:24,653 a number of the victims were never found, 914 00:50:24,687 --> 00:50:26,656 but that was all part of the cover up, right? 915 00:50:26,689 --> 00:50:28,991 We have to make sure that nobody found out about this stuff. 916 00:50:29,024 --> 00:50:30,859 Oh. Right, Mr. Secretary. 917 00:50:30,893 --> 00:50:33,329 And your secret raccoon weapons program 918 00:50:33,361 --> 00:50:36,331 has been fucking everything up for everybody ever since!. 919 00:50:36,364 --> 00:50:37,667 And your point? 920 00:50:37,700 --> 00:50:39,502 Jesus, get outta here, will ya? 921 00:50:41,370 --> 00:50:43,573 If these guys were hanging around Raccoon Creek the last ten years, 922 00:50:43,605 --> 00:50:45,007 they probably know everything we've been doing. 923 00:50:45,040 --> 00:50:47,477 They know the campground better than anybody 924 00:50:47,509 --> 00:50:48,578 and they probably have chips on their shoulders. 925 00:50:51,013 --> 00:50:52,748 A phone charger? 926 00:50:57,687 --> 00:50:59,455 Goddamn! 927 00:51:01,556 --> 00:51:03,058 Oh, man, you're hit! 928 00:51:03,091 --> 00:51:04,559 You think this is getting hit? 929 00:51:04,593 --> 00:51:05,661 This ain't getting hit. 930 00:51:05,694 --> 00:51:08,464 Those bullets are so tiny, I honestly have no idea 931 00:51:08,497 --> 00:51:09,765 how so many people have died. 932 00:51:13,669 --> 00:51:16,406 Looks like I need a password for access. 933 00:51:16,439 --> 00:51:18,375 I'll just try to crack a few programs. 934 00:51:19,542 --> 00:51:20,910 Now, let's see what we've got. 935 00:51:20,942 --> 00:51:24,046 Oh, looks like one of the porters from the train. 936 00:51:24,080 --> 00:51:26,582 Looks like he accessed his social media account 937 00:51:26,614 --> 00:51:27,917 off of some wifi in the area 938 00:51:27,950 --> 00:51:31,520 and he sent a message... to my old deputy. 939 00:51:31,986 --> 00:51:33,321 Shane? 940 00:51:33,355 --> 00:51:36,959 And we're gonna need turkey and B-sprouts for Christmas dinner. 941 00:51:36,991 --> 00:51:39,661 And get fruit. I love fruit! 942 00:51:39,694 --> 00:51:40,830 But not that kind of fruit. 943 00:51:43,565 --> 00:51:46,835 I think we're about there, deep in the Appalachians. 944 00:51:46,868 --> 00:51:49,504 Shit, we're in for a dark Christmas in the dark. 945 00:51:49,538 --> 00:51:51,574 We're gonna be without roads, radio, 946 00:51:51,607 --> 00:51:55,378 wifi or any kind of contact with the outside world for three hours. 947 00:51:55,410 --> 00:51:56,978 Jesus. 948 00:51:57,013 --> 00:51:59,649 I hope I did the Social Media good enough to get a message through to Shane. 949 00:51:59,681 --> 00:52:02,451 'Cause if not, we're the only ones who can stop them. 950 00:52:03,718 --> 00:52:05,321 How are you with VCRs? 951 00:52:05,788 --> 00:52:06,989 Wait a minute. 952 00:52:07,022 --> 00:52:09,025 The message isn't signed by the porter. 953 00:52:09,058 --> 00:52:13,463 It says, "Sincerely, Casey Smallwood, also formerly known as Ty 954 00:52:13,495 --> 00:52:15,864 and yes it really is me, this is not a joke." 955 00:52:15,897 --> 00:52:18,700 Smallwood? The name sounds familiar. 956 00:52:18,734 --> 00:52:21,504 Yeah, it sounds really familiar. 957 00:52:21,536 --> 00:52:23,772 Say, wasn't that the college student everyone thought 958 00:52:23,806 --> 00:52:25,641 killed the raccoon ten years ago? 959 00:52:25,674 --> 00:52:27,977 Oh, yeah! Tom. Tom Smallwood! 960 00:52:28,009 --> 00:52:29,544 Didn't he try to fight the raccoons 961 00:52:29,578 --> 00:52:31,413 with that old hippie that lived in the forest? 962 00:52:31,446 --> 00:52:33,915 Jeff Tuck? You think he's not dead for real either? 963 00:52:33,948 --> 00:52:36,118 No way! We would've seen him by now. 964 00:52:36,152 --> 00:52:39,489 Besides, that old hippie used to just poop in the woods 965 00:52:39,522 --> 00:52:41,056 and bone animals. 966 00:52:54,669 --> 00:52:56,939 - Okay. - What? What? 967 00:53:01,843 --> 00:53:05,614 But seriously, if this Smallwood kid isn't dead for real 968 00:53:05,647 --> 00:53:07,517 and he has experience fighting the raccoons, 969 00:53:07,549 --> 00:53:10,620 he is literally the one person we don't want on this train! 970 00:53:10,652 --> 00:53:12,421 Say, Billy boy. 971 00:53:12,455 --> 00:53:14,857 When you looked under the train for the stowaway, 972 00:53:14,890 --> 00:53:16,158 did you actually see the body? 973 00:53:16,192 --> 00:53:17,660 Well, I saw some train tracks 974 00:53:17,692 --> 00:53:20,497 and some blood and I just presumed. 975 00:53:22,497 --> 00:53:26,501 Presumption is the father of all boo-boos! 976 00:53:26,535 --> 00:53:28,904 I'm sorry! Just, no more slapping. 977 00:53:28,937 --> 00:53:31,973 With all the scars on my face and the missing chunks and what not. 978 00:53:32,006 --> 00:53:34,576 I want all hands and paws on deck! 979 00:53:34,609 --> 00:53:36,478 I want this train searched left side, 980 00:53:36,511 --> 00:53:39,080 right side, inside, outside, from floor to ceiling! 981 00:53:39,114 --> 00:53:41,551 We will not be defeated by Smallwoods! 982 00:53:45,087 --> 00:53:46,122 Come on! 983 00:53:54,797 --> 00:53:57,233 You really think this Smallwood kid is still alive? 984 00:53:57,265 --> 00:54:00,135 I mean, until someone sees a corpse that's dead for real, 985 00:54:00,169 --> 00:54:03,638 I'll always think it's possible, especially given our situation. 986 00:54:03,672 --> 00:54:04,974 Okay. 987 00:54:05,006 --> 00:54:07,476 Then why the fuck is he on this train? 988 00:54:07,509 --> 00:54:08,844 Pull up the passenger list. 989 00:54:08,877 --> 00:54:10,779 Let's see if he was with anyone else. 990 00:54:10,812 --> 00:54:12,747 You don t think he was on here with Tuck, do you? 991 00:54:12,781 --> 00:54:14,083 Or that Arab? 992 00:54:14,116 --> 00:54:16,552 There's only one way to find out. Print it! 993 00:54:16,585 --> 00:54:18,221 So what are you gonna look for? Tuck? 994 00:54:18,254 --> 00:54:20,156 - Some Arab? - I don't know 995 00:54:20,189 --> 00:54:21,991 But a man who fights raccoons 996 00:54:22,024 --> 00:54:25,995 wouldn't leave his plus-one unprotected in a situation like this. 997 00:54:28,663 --> 00:54:30,533 Oh, snap, fifteen missed notifications? 998 00:54:31,734 --> 00:54:34,670 Ooh, who's this grande latte? 999 00:54:35,803 --> 00:54:37,105 O-M-G. 1000 00:54:37,939 --> 00:54:39,075 Jesus. 1001 00:54:44,013 --> 00:54:45,848 Aunt Sally's mittens! 1002 00:54:56,859 --> 00:55:01,130 Let us know if you smell any... fear. 1003 00:55:08,770 --> 00:55:11,039 - What's he looking for? - I don't know. 1004 00:55:11,073 --> 00:55:12,107 Hopefully not me. 1005 00:55:15,076 --> 00:55:16,178 I have an idea. 1006 00:55:16,210 --> 00:55:17,546 So what do we do now? 1007 00:55:17,580 --> 00:55:18,848 What do we do now? 1008 00:55:18,881 --> 00:55:21,518 Oh, we're gonna make a little Christmas cocktail. 1009 00:55:30,960 --> 00:55:33,996 What's your name, young lady? 1010 00:55:34,029 --> 00:55:36,799 Anderson. Andy Anderson. 1011 00:55:36,832 --> 00:55:37,834 Sounds made up! 1012 00:55:38,200 --> 00:55:39,234 And... 1013 00:55:39,835 --> 00:55:41,771 Nope, it's not on the list. 1014 00:55:41,803 --> 00:55:44,205 I work on the train, at the bar. 1015 00:55:44,239 --> 00:55:48,010 And you don't have a uniform like Shelley here? 1016 00:55:48,042 --> 00:55:50,078 Changed out of it when you guys took over the train. 1017 00:55:52,114 --> 00:55:53,683 So how is this supposed to work? 1018 00:55:53,716 --> 00:55:56,286 We just need to put a little fire into these works. 1019 00:55:57,620 --> 00:55:58,754 What? 1020 00:55:58,786 --> 00:56:00,089 We just need to shake it off. 1021 00:56:00,122 --> 00:56:01,857 Man, stop speaking in song lyrics. 1022 00:56:05,861 --> 00:56:07,196 Well, well, well. 1023 00:56:07,228 --> 00:56:10,299 Who gave this to ya? Might not be a good idea 1024 00:56:10,332 --> 00:56:12,902 to wear that around these boys. 1025 00:56:15,337 --> 00:56:19,241 Wow, you're a brave little motherfucker. 1026 00:56:19,274 --> 00:56:22,011 You're gonna need a lot more than tasers to hurt us, though. 1027 00:56:22,044 --> 00:56:24,279 Our bodies are mostly scar-tissue at this point, 1028 00:56:24,312 --> 00:56:26,281 and that just feels tingly. 1029 00:56:28,317 --> 00:56:30,119 Hey, leave her alone! 1030 00:56:36,759 --> 00:56:38,294 Man, that doesn't even make sense. 1031 00:56:38,326 --> 00:56:40,796 It'll make sense when I charge my way to victory. 1032 00:56:41,663 --> 00:56:43,165 You ready to hit eject? 1033 00:56:48,069 --> 00:56:50,640 Imagine a fire pit along the Rocky Mountains. 1034 00:56:50,672 --> 00:56:52,908 It's gonna be like a big ol' hot tub. 1035 00:57:08,790 --> 00:57:10,325 Goddamn small dick! 1036 00:57:15,397 --> 00:57:18,634 Shitsnakes! We've lost PEN15! 1037 00:57:20,402 --> 00:57:22,304 I got the golden VHS tape! 1038 00:57:22,337 --> 00:57:24,974 Nice! Now let's get to the baggage car! 1039 00:57:25,006 --> 00:57:28,744 He took the golden VHS tape. I can't do anything without it! 1040 00:57:31,046 --> 00:57:34,683 Come on! We're almost there! 1041 00:57:34,716 --> 00:57:37,385 He's headed for the baggage car in the back of the train. 1042 00:57:37,419 --> 00:57:40,723 Don't shoot him. He's got the VHS tape. 1043 00:57:42,357 --> 00:57:43,359 Oh! 1044 00:57:46,227 --> 00:57:47,396 They're off the train! 1045 00:57:52,835 --> 00:57:54,970 Pookie, stop the train! 1046 00:57:55,002 --> 00:57:58,040 Sure thing, Jones. Let's give these boys a break! 1047 00:58:31,473 --> 00:58:33,342 Okay, Reverend, take us back. 1048 00:58:33,375 --> 00:58:34,911 Right. Okay. 1049 00:58:46,020 --> 00:58:47,156 Later on! 1050 00:58:51,058 --> 00:58:53,461 This train might as well be a toy going around 1051 00:58:53,495 --> 00:58:55,998 a Christmas tree without that VHS tape. 1052 00:58:56,031 --> 00:58:59,736 Couldn't you just have made some other copies? 1053 00:59:01,069 --> 00:59:02,271 Yeah, I... 1054 00:59:02,303 --> 00:59:04,773 I definitely could've done that. 1055 00:59:11,113 --> 00:59:12,381 Let's latch on here. 1056 00:59:19,221 --> 00:59:21,958 Be a doll and just wait right here, would ya? 1057 00:59:25,993 --> 00:59:28,330 Okay, here we go. 1058 00:59:38,473 --> 00:59:41,076 It's the chubby porter! Go get him! 1059 00:59:44,178 --> 00:59:47,348 Danger! Jones! It appears Smallwood has an accomplice. 1060 00:59:47,381 --> 00:59:49,351 It's the chubby porter with the smart phone. 1061 00:59:51,419 --> 00:59:54,455 He's getting away with the golden VHS tape! 1062 00:59:54,489 --> 00:59:56,158 Well, don't shoot the chub chub. 1063 00:59:56,190 --> 00:59:57,526 We can't let anything happen to it. 1064 01:00:02,531 --> 01:00:05,267 I bet you want that golden VHS tape, don't ya? 1065 01:00:06,868 --> 01:00:08,904 Well, too bad. It's down there. 1066 01:00:15,977 --> 01:00:17,145 Where'd the chubby porter go? 1067 01:00:17,178 --> 01:00:19,381 I don't know! A few cars down that way. 1068 01:00:31,292 --> 01:00:33,194 Oh, shit, man! Hands up. Don't shoot, man! 1069 01:00:33,227 --> 01:00:36,297 Come on, look what do you want, the golden VHS, man? 1070 01:00:36,330 --> 01:00:38,033 Look, man, I dropped it somewhere. 1071 01:00:38,065 --> 01:00:40,569 Like, I think it's under the train or something, man. 1072 01:00:40,602 --> 01:00:43,172 Come on, brother, all I got is your coon ass!. 1073 01:00:44,605 --> 01:00:46,908 Ho! There goes the chubby porter. 1074 01:00:50,379 --> 01:00:52,147 Goddamn! 1075 01:00:57,018 --> 01:00:58,020 Oh, shit! 1076 01:01:01,156 --> 01:01:02,190 Okay, Reverend. 1077 01:01:02,223 --> 01:01:04,593 Take us to Washington, full steam. 1078 01:01:11,565 --> 01:01:12,901 Aw, no! 1079 01:01:33,455 --> 01:01:34,657 Well, I guess your small dick buddy 1080 01:01:34,689 --> 01:01:36,258 wasn't as good as I thought. 1081 01:01:44,665 --> 01:01:47,468 Okay, Danger, you're back in the game. 1082 01:01:47,502 --> 01:01:49,404 Now make that banana split. 1083 01:01:56,310 --> 01:01:57,613 Goddamn it, Casey. 1084 01:01:59,314 --> 01:02:02,484 Maybe I am still Ty. 1085 01:02:02,517 --> 01:02:04,620 I'd take you over Charlie any day. 1086 01:02:08,556 --> 01:02:09,959 Tuck? 1087 01:02:12,160 --> 01:02:14,596 Okay, ladies and germs, we're back online. 1088 01:02:14,629 --> 01:02:16,464 And it looks like we didn't lose anything vital 1089 01:02:16,497 --> 01:02:18,099 for splitting the country in two. 1090 01:02:18,132 --> 01:02:19,234 Let's do it. 1091 01:02:19,267 --> 01:02:21,736 I'm locking PEN15 into Denver now. 1092 01:02:21,770 --> 01:02:25,040 The mile high city will be a cloud of weed smoke 1093 01:02:25,073 --> 01:02:28,176 in 20 minutes. 1094 01:02:28,210 --> 01:02:31,247 Ah! Looks like that Danger piece of shit started another countdown! 1095 01:02:35,082 --> 01:02:37,685 But I thought you were dead for real! 1096 01:02:37,718 --> 01:02:41,489 Oh, come on, man. Everyone else ain't dead for real, why not me, bro? 1097 01:02:42,390 --> 01:02:43,291 But how? 1098 01:02:43,326 --> 01:02:45,561 Well, I survived the big fireworks explosion, 1099 01:02:45,593 --> 01:02:47,528 then I just kept living in the woods like I always did. 1100 01:02:47,562 --> 01:02:50,199 Then the Mayor and U.S. military turned the campground 1101 01:02:50,232 --> 01:02:53,469 into a big weapons facility to harness the power of the raccoons. 1102 01:02:53,502 --> 01:02:56,171 Then it turns out Ranger Danger and those jerkholes weren't dead 1103 01:02:56,203 --> 01:02:58,207 for real either, so I just laid low, 1104 01:02:58,239 --> 01:03:00,542 kept tabs on everybody, and then when they made their move, 1105 01:03:00,575 --> 01:03:01,643 I made mine, man. 1106 01:03:01,676 --> 01:03:04,145 I, uh, kept pretty good track of everybody so far, 1107 01:03:04,178 --> 01:03:06,614 but, uh, then I had to stop and uh, get a little high. 1108 01:03:08,283 --> 01:03:10,085 Oh, Tuck, I missed you, man! 1109 01:03:10,118 --> 01:03:12,388 Oh, man, all right, okay. 1110 01:03:12,421 --> 01:03:14,723 Those raccoons from ten years ago, they're back! 1111 01:03:14,756 --> 01:03:15,991 They just attacked that train 1112 01:03:16,024 --> 01:03:18,594 and Ranger Danger and his expert friends were there, too. 1113 01:03:18,627 --> 01:03:19,695 - You were right! - Yeah, of course, man! 1114 01:03:19,727 --> 01:03:22,230 It's a big raccoon military experiment gone wrong. 1115 01:03:22,263 --> 01:03:24,466 I have literally been trying to say that for decades. 1116 01:03:24,498 --> 01:03:27,102 Come on, Tuck! You taught me how to fight raccoons, 1117 01:03:27,134 --> 01:03:28,169 don't you want to catch them? 1118 01:03:28,203 --> 01:03:30,372 I mean, you're here, I'm here. 1119 01:03:30,404 --> 01:03:33,109 We're so close! You think this is just a coincidence? 1120 01:03:35,777 --> 01:03:38,213 Oh, God. I'm so sorry, dude. That was so gross. 1121 01:03:38,245 --> 01:03:39,580 No, that's my bad. 1122 01:03:39,614 --> 01:03:41,216 I should've expected that. 1123 01:03:41,248 --> 01:03:43,118 Dude, I totally remember you, man! 1124 01:03:43,151 --> 01:03:45,254 We fought those raccoons ten years ago, man. 1125 01:03:45,286 --> 01:03:46,321 That was a great time! 1126 01:03:46,353 --> 01:03:48,589 You're, uh, you're Ty, right? 1127 01:03:48,622 --> 01:03:50,091 Yeah, that's me. 1128 01:03:51,125 --> 01:03:52,460 Now let's get on that train. 1129 01:03:54,296 --> 01:03:55,531 How did you get here? 1130 01:03:55,564 --> 01:03:57,832 Oh, yeah, I actually have a mode of transportation 1131 01:03:57,866 --> 01:03:59,802 that's a lot faster with two people. 1132 01:03:59,835 --> 01:04:01,170 You in? 1133 01:04:01,203 --> 01:04:02,471 Of course! What do I have to do? 1134 01:04:02,504 --> 01:04:04,073 I mean, I haven't driven in like, ten years. 1135 01:04:04,105 --> 01:04:06,308 Oh, man, you don't need to drive. How's your arm strength? 1136 01:04:06,341 --> 01:04:08,377 Pretty good. I did just get out of the pen. 1137 01:04:08,410 --> 01:04:10,546 Oh, yeah? You been, uh, jerking it? 1138 01:04:13,247 --> 01:04:16,084 I was gonna say doing a lot of pull ups, but yeah. 1139 01:04:16,118 --> 01:04:17,353 I was jerking it quite a bit. 1140 01:04:17,386 --> 01:04:19,388 Well, man, let's pull and jerk our way to victory, baby! 1141 01:04:19,421 --> 01:04:20,556 - Let's do it! - Let's do it. 1142 01:04:24,192 --> 01:04:28,163 Sir! Shane from the very popular restaurant in Independence is on the phone. 1143 01:04:28,196 --> 01:04:29,498 Shane? 1144 01:04:29,531 --> 01:04:31,866 Shane was another one of my Rangers ten years ago, General. 1145 01:04:31,899 --> 01:04:35,369 Really? Does he know about the raccoons as well, Mr. Secretary? 1146 01:04:35,402 --> 01:04:36,603 You know, I certainly hope not. 1147 01:04:36,638 --> 01:04:39,607 He's one of those people I sent to a conversion therapy camp. 1148 01:04:39,640 --> 01:04:41,876 So the result is he's not very gay now, 1149 01:04:41,910 --> 01:04:44,613 he's forgotten about the raccoons, got a super-hot wife, 1150 01:04:44,645 --> 01:04:46,547 nice restaurant. We should be good to go. 1151 01:04:46,580 --> 01:04:49,317 Okay, I get it. It doesn't matter if he used to be gay. 1152 01:04:49,350 --> 01:04:50,585 Don't ask, don't tell. 1153 01:04:50,618 --> 01:04:52,386 Sir, that's actually not a policy anymore. 1154 01:04:52,419 --> 01:04:54,222 We need to hurry. This is about the last train 1155 01:04:54,256 --> 01:04:55,790 that left from Independence to Washington today. 1156 01:04:55,823 --> 01:04:57,859 The last train to Washington? 1157 01:04:57,893 --> 01:04:59,595 Agent Woman was on that train! 1158 01:05:04,366 --> 01:05:08,370 That's it, warrior! Harness that prison jerkin power, baby. 1159 01:05:08,402 --> 01:05:10,605 Hello? Is the former mayor of Independence there? 1160 01:05:10,638 --> 01:05:12,006 Well, hi there, Shane! 1161 01:05:12,040 --> 01:05:15,843 Yeah, although, hey, for the record, I am now the Secretary of Defense. 1162 01:05:15,877 --> 01:05:18,779 Oh, right! Thanks again for everything you've done for me 1163 01:05:18,812 --> 01:05:20,314 and the city of Independence, sir. 1164 01:05:20,348 --> 01:05:21,683 Yeah, no prob, Shane! 1165 01:05:21,716 --> 01:05:24,585 Hey, we're in the middle of a little situation here, what's up? 1166 01:05:24,618 --> 01:05:25,586 I have a Social Media sent to me 1167 01:05:25,620 --> 01:05:27,823 by the train porter on the Holiday Express. 1168 01:05:29,690 --> 01:05:31,627 Please tell the former Mayor of Independence 1169 01:05:31,660 --> 01:05:33,661 that whoever's in charge of the secret weapon program 1170 01:05:33,694 --> 01:05:36,297 at Raccoon Creek that their experiment's gone terribly wrong. 1171 01:05:36,330 --> 01:05:39,901 Over 25 raccoons and former ranger Rick Danger of Raccoon Creek 1172 01:05:39,935 --> 01:05:42,638 hijacked the last Holiday Express to Washington today. 1173 01:05:42,671 --> 01:05:45,473 This group includes other experts who helped Ranger Danger 1174 01:05:45,506 --> 01:05:47,875 fight the raccoons at Raccoon Creek ten years ago. 1175 01:05:47,908 --> 01:05:51,279 They also have a bunch of high tech satellite equipment or something. 1176 01:05:51,312 --> 01:05:53,481 High tech satellite equipment or something? 1177 01:05:53,515 --> 01:05:54,783 That's them! 1178 01:05:54,817 --> 01:05:55,984 I couldn't figure out Social Media and this dude 1179 01:05:56,018 --> 01:05:58,887 works on the train and he's from ten years ago, too! 1180 01:05:58,919 --> 01:06:01,422 O-M-G smiley face. 1181 01:06:01,455 --> 01:06:03,224 O-M-G indeed! 1182 01:06:03,257 --> 01:06:05,493 Get me the location of the Holiday Express. 1183 01:06:05,527 --> 01:06:06,562 Roger that, General! 1184 01:06:06,594 --> 01:06:08,363 Who sent the Social Media message? 1185 01:06:08,397 --> 01:06:12,201 Well, it was sent to me by the train porter on the Holiday Express who goes by Double A, 1186 01:06:12,234 --> 01:06:14,303 but it was actually my friend Ty Smallwood. 1187 01:06:14,335 --> 01:06:15,536 Smallwood? 1188 01:06:15,569 --> 01:06:16,904 Why does that name sound so familiar? 1189 01:06:16,937 --> 01:06:19,207 We fought the raccoons together at Raccoon Creek 1190 01:06:19,241 --> 01:06:21,276 before you had him locked up for underage drinking. 1191 01:06:21,308 --> 01:06:22,810 Oh! Right. 1192 01:06:26,547 --> 01:06:28,716 Come on! Pump that juice, baby! 1193 01:06:28,750 --> 01:06:31,553 What is the closest air base to the Holiday Express? 1194 01:06:31,585 --> 01:06:33,288 Probably our secret Appalachian base, sir. 1195 01:06:33,321 --> 01:06:35,991 Great! Let's get some planes to go after that train, hm? 1196 01:06:36,024 --> 01:06:38,694 Sir! There's over 100 innocent people on that train. 1197 01:06:38,727 --> 01:06:40,995 I know. But this country's gonna be split in two 1198 01:06:41,029 --> 01:06:43,765 if this small dick kid can't stop these raccoons 1199 01:06:43,797 --> 01:06:44,799 Scramble the fighters. 1200 01:06:45,933 --> 01:06:47,202 Yes, sir! 1201 01:06:48,703 --> 01:06:50,973 General, I really like where your head is at. 1202 01:06:51,006 --> 01:06:53,408 We can wipe out Danger, the Smallwood kid 1203 01:06:53,440 --> 01:06:55,477 and a bunch of raccoons all at once. 1204 01:06:55,509 --> 01:06:57,678 Shut the fuck up, Mr. Secretary! 1205 01:06:57,712 --> 01:06:59,480 We're in this mess because of you. 1206 01:06:59,513 --> 01:07:01,950 Now get your bureaucratic ass the hell out of here. 1207 01:07:02,884 --> 01:07:03,886 Move! 1208 01:07:04,852 --> 01:07:06,321 Oh, and you're fired! 1209 01:07:09,991 --> 01:07:11,960 Why the hell did I get back on this train? 1210 01:07:12,926 --> 01:07:13,962 There it is! 1211 01:07:15,462 --> 01:07:16,598 Let's hit it! 1212 01:07:18,799 --> 01:07:20,635 Sorry about your small dick friend, missy. 1213 01:07:20,669 --> 01:07:22,536 As I learned ten years ago, 1214 01:07:22,569 --> 01:07:25,406 college kids and raccoons just don't mix. 1215 01:07:25,439 --> 01:07:29,677 Have a tendency to make pretty girls like you just disappear. 1216 01:07:31,946 --> 01:07:35,317 The raccoons chewed off my balls ten years ago. 1217 01:07:35,350 --> 01:07:37,919 You're gonna have to do a lot better than that to get a rise out of me. 1218 01:07:37,951 --> 01:07:40,022 Jones, leave her alone. 1219 01:07:40,055 --> 01:07:43,292 You wouldn't want to piss off her small dick boyfriend again. 1220 01:07:43,325 --> 01:07:44,926 He's not my boyfriend. 1221 01:07:44,959 --> 01:07:47,462 Yeah, he's not her boyfriend. 1222 01:07:47,495 --> 01:07:50,332 Besides, small dick is dead. 1223 01:07:50,364 --> 01:07:52,500 Oh, yeah? Did you see his body? 1224 01:07:52,533 --> 01:07:53,669 Because, you know, 1225 01:07:53,701 --> 01:07:55,337 that's kind of why we're all here. 1226 01:07:55,370 --> 01:07:57,705 Presumption is the father of all boo-boos. 1227 01:07:57,739 --> 01:07:58,974 Well, he might be dead, 1228 01:07:59,006 --> 01:08:01,942 he might be alive, but there's no way he's on this train. 1229 01:08:01,975 --> 01:08:05,046 And there's no way he's getting back on this train 1230 01:08:05,080 --> 01:08:07,949 in some crazy, unrealistic fashion! 1231 01:08:07,982 --> 01:08:10,384 Okay! Just get me on the back of the train 1232 01:08:10,417 --> 01:08:11,486 then you go for help! 1233 01:08:11,518 --> 01:08:14,589 Do it, Ty! I'll meet ya again later down the line. 1234 01:08:14,622 --> 01:08:17,292 Okay, Tuck. I'm going to do it! 1235 01:08:33,942 --> 01:08:35,444 That's it, baby! 1236 01:08:35,477 --> 01:08:38,714 Hendrix! Hendrix! 1237 01:08:38,746 --> 01:08:40,715 Get me an evacuation order for Denver. 1238 01:08:40,748 --> 01:08:41,916 Just the bunker, sir? 1239 01:08:41,950 --> 01:08:42,850 What about the city? 1240 01:08:42,885 --> 01:08:44,953 Oh, forget the city, they're all stoned! 1241 01:08:44,986 --> 01:08:46,322 They'll freak out. 1242 01:08:48,122 --> 01:08:49,857 Hey, Independence Whorehouse? 1243 01:08:49,890 --> 01:08:50,759 Yeah, it's Tom. 1244 01:08:50,791 --> 01:08:52,928 Can I get extra happy endings tonight? 1245 01:08:57,098 --> 01:08:58,734 I should've just lived in the woods. 1246 01:08:59,834 --> 01:09:02,470 Drop the tiny machine gun, chubby! 1247 01:09:06,907 --> 01:09:09,076 Well, I gotta hand it to ya. 1248 01:09:09,109 --> 01:09:11,712 You college kids sure did give us a run for our money. 1249 01:09:11,746 --> 01:09:13,148 Hey, I'm not in college, man. 1250 01:09:13,180 --> 01:09:15,049 Oh, I'm sorry! Was that not sensitive? 1251 01:09:15,082 --> 01:09:16,718 Was that not PC? 1252 01:09:16,751 --> 01:09:18,387 Oh, it was very PC. 1253 01:09:18,420 --> 01:09:20,689 As in pretty clear you're gonna die, dickhead. 1254 01:09:20,721 --> 01:09:21,924 Ain't that right, brother? 1255 01:09:28,028 --> 01:09:29,665 I'm dead for real now. 1256 01:09:30,931 --> 01:09:32,666 Damn, that was dope, bro! 1257 01:09:32,700 --> 01:09:34,568 Let's go kick some more coon ass! 1258 01:09:34,602 --> 01:09:36,971 Great! Praise Allah to you too. 1259 01:09:38,773 --> 01:09:40,675 All right, boys, we've got a gazillion dollars 1260 01:09:40,707 --> 01:09:41,843 waiting for us in the Bahamas. 1261 01:09:41,876 --> 01:09:44,012 We just gotta catch a ride off of here 1262 01:09:44,045 --> 01:09:45,947 and blow the shit out of Denver! 1263 01:09:45,979 --> 01:09:49,483 Stay tuned for this country being fucked right in half. 1264 01:09:49,517 --> 01:09:51,685 Arrangements have been made for everyone to get picked up 1265 01:09:51,719 --> 01:09:55,189 in long black cars in Washington. 1266 01:09:55,223 --> 01:09:59,560 Long black cars and fire trucks and ambulances. 1267 01:10:05,500 --> 01:10:08,537 There's a common axiom which every good camper knows. 1268 01:10:08,569 --> 01:10:11,407 When in doubt, take the shortcut. 1269 01:10:21,782 --> 01:10:25,887 Looks like things are about to get a little off track. 1270 01:10:28,922 --> 01:10:31,893 Wait, the old logging factory isn't on the same side it usually is. 1271 01:10:31,925 --> 01:10:33,727 We usually go around this town on the other side. 1272 01:10:33,760 --> 01:10:36,665 We're not even on the right tracks to Washington. 1273 01:10:36,697 --> 01:10:39,767 Jesus! It looks like we're headed to Washington, all right. 1274 01:10:39,800 --> 01:10:41,236 The Washington Canyon. 1275 01:10:41,269 --> 01:10:43,238 The bridge is out and we're headed straight for it. 1276 01:10:43,270 --> 01:10:46,608 If we don't stop this thing, everyone's gonna die. 1277 01:10:46,640 --> 01:10:47,541 Wait, you're not going to let 1278 01:10:47,576 --> 01:10:49,578 these raccoons screw you over again, are you? 1279 01:10:49,611 --> 01:10:50,612 No. 1280 01:10:51,078 --> 01:10:52,714 Not this time. 1281 01:10:52,746 --> 01:10:54,114 That's the Washington Canyon. 1282 01:10:54,148 --> 01:10:55,984 It's been a dead end on the tracks for years. 1283 01:10:56,017 --> 01:10:57,519 Unfortunately, they're headed right for it. 1284 01:10:57,551 --> 01:10:58,719 Can we contact them? 1285 01:10:58,752 --> 01:11:01,022 Not as long as they're in for a dark Christmas in the dark. 1286 01:11:01,054 --> 01:11:02,923 There's no reception up there, 1287 01:11:02,956 --> 01:11:04,091 especially at night. 1288 01:11:11,099 --> 01:11:12,701 Come in, Independence. 1289 01:11:12,733 --> 01:11:13,968 We are approaching the target. 1290 01:11:14,001 --> 01:11:15,803 - General Negligence? - Yes, sir? 1291 01:11:15,836 --> 01:11:17,705 Authorize the planes to fire. 1292 01:11:17,738 --> 01:11:19,006 Yes, sir. 1293 01:11:19,040 --> 01:11:20,709 Roger that. We're going in! 1294 01:11:25,013 --> 01:11:27,515 Sweet mother of shit, forgive us. 1295 01:11:28,983 --> 01:11:30,051 There's something coming in. 1296 01:11:30,084 --> 01:11:31,720 What? They found us? 1297 01:11:31,752 --> 01:11:33,755 Because of Tom fucking small cock? 1298 01:11:33,787 --> 01:11:36,190 Can't you just shoot it down with the satellite? 1299 01:11:36,224 --> 01:11:38,126 Shitsnakes, no! I can't do that. 1300 01:11:38,158 --> 01:11:40,595 I got PEN15 locked on Denver. 1301 01:11:46,733 --> 01:11:47,801 Wait a minute. 1302 01:11:47,835 --> 01:11:50,538 If the planes are slow enough, I could target them. 1303 01:11:52,340 --> 01:11:53,775 There they are. 1304 01:11:53,808 --> 01:11:56,278 See? Told ya you could shoot it down. 1305 01:11:56,310 --> 01:11:57,578 That's why I said that. 1306 01:12:02,082 --> 01:12:03,785 Shh! 1307 01:12:05,319 --> 01:12:06,522 We're the good guys. 1308 01:12:17,799 --> 01:12:22,604 I'm sorry, Mr. Raccoon. I was just touching up my boobies. 1309 01:12:23,270 --> 01:12:24,273 Titties? 1310 01:12:27,875 --> 01:12:29,743 Breasteseses. 1311 01:12:29,777 --> 01:12:31,279 Shitsnakes, Mr. Pilot. 1312 01:12:35,983 --> 01:12:37,084 Where are all the passengers? 1313 01:12:37,117 --> 01:12:38,352 They must be on the passenger car. 1314 01:12:38,385 --> 01:12:40,054 Let's double team it in the rear! 1315 01:12:41,288 --> 01:12:42,924 They shot down one of the planes! 1316 01:12:42,956 --> 01:12:44,291 Son of a bitch! 1317 01:13:12,220 --> 01:13:14,323 Goddamn Smallwood! 1318 01:13:42,450 --> 01:13:44,219 I've got the target on lock. 1319 01:13:44,251 --> 01:13:45,987 Ready to fire on your command. 1320 01:13:55,962 --> 01:13:57,666 Shitsnakes times two. 1321 01:13:59,466 --> 01:14:01,135 Get me the President! 1322 01:14:04,871 --> 01:14:08,142 Hello? A raccoon weapons program? 1323 01:14:08,175 --> 01:14:10,745 Cut the program, put it into school lunches, 1324 01:14:10,778 --> 01:14:13,014 Where's the bunker? I'm on my way. 1325 01:14:13,046 --> 01:14:14,382 Jane! Slippers! 1326 01:14:17,852 --> 01:14:19,220 Ranger Rick Danger. 1327 01:14:21,221 --> 01:14:22,924 Tom Smallwood? 1328 01:14:22,956 --> 01:14:25,859 It's Ty. I'm coming for Darlene 1329 01:14:25,893 --> 01:14:29,197 and then I'm coming for you and your raccoons. 1330 01:14:29,229 --> 01:14:31,700 You better hurry or these raccoons are going to do to her 1331 01:14:31,733 --> 01:14:33,201 what they did to her sister. 1332 01:14:37,404 --> 01:14:40,242 Ya! Gotta keep 'em separated! 1333 01:14:48,148 --> 01:14:49,416 Double A, what are you doing? 1334 01:14:49,450 --> 01:14:51,118 I'm coming with you to finish this! 1335 01:14:51,152 --> 01:14:52,721 Ready to be a warrior, huh? 1336 01:14:52,754 --> 01:14:54,354 Hell, yeah! I learned from the best. 1337 01:15:00,428 --> 01:15:02,497 Oh, my golly, we're free! 1338 01:15:06,466 --> 01:15:09,371 Oh, my golly, I can use my smartphone! 1339 01:15:14,876 --> 01:15:16,178 Hey, hey, hey 1340 01:15:16,211 --> 01:15:18,780 No one else can have this story, this is Dick Weener's story. 1341 01:15:18,813 --> 01:15:20,348 No one else can have a smartphone! 1342 01:15:21,047 --> 01:15:23,017 Ow! 1343 01:15:23,050 --> 01:15:26,121 Ow! An electric shock I can't fuck with! 1344 01:15:26,153 --> 01:15:28,790 You stupid old broad, you've ruined my career! 1345 01:15:28,822 --> 01:15:31,225 Amen to that, Dick! 1346 01:15:31,259 --> 01:15:33,461 Now, I'm gonna assume we haven't seen the Doc in a while 1347 01:15:33,493 --> 01:15:36,096 because he went for a brisk walk or something. 1348 01:15:36,130 --> 01:15:38,833 Are you sure you can handle Tom Small Dick? 1349 01:15:38,866 --> 01:15:39,734 Can I handle him? 1350 01:15:39,767 --> 01:15:43,037 Skippy? You're my number one... 1351 01:15:44,371 --> 01:15:46,073 raccoon! 1352 01:15:48,975 --> 01:15:50,746 Now you think I can handle him? 1353 01:15:51,312 --> 01:15:52,212 Go get 'em. 1354 01:15:52,246 --> 01:15:54,915 I'd take you boys over Charlie any day! 1355 01:15:54,948 --> 01:15:56,149 Who the hell is that? 1356 01:15:56,184 --> 01:15:59,521 It's Tuck! Get on there and help him jerk that thing off. 1357 01:15:59,554 --> 01:16:00,788 What? 1358 01:16:00,822 --> 01:16:02,323 I mean, you know, help him pump it! 1359 01:16:02,355 --> 01:16:03,424 What are you gonna do? 1360 01:16:03,456 --> 01:16:04,859 I'm gonna get Darlene. 1361 01:16:05,492 --> 01:16:07,828 Attention Ranger Rick Danger! 1362 01:16:07,862 --> 01:16:09,797 You've got yourself a warrior problem 1363 01:16:09,831 --> 01:16:12,300 and it ain't you and him. 1364 01:16:12,332 --> 01:16:15,002 Jeff Tuck? I thought you were dead for real, 1365 01:16:15,036 --> 01:16:16,270 you old crackhead! 1366 01:16:16,304 --> 01:16:18,973 Looks like two can play at that game, Danger. 1367 01:16:19,005 --> 01:16:21,843 Presumptions are the father of all boo-boos. 1368 01:16:21,876 --> 01:16:25,080 Pippy! Go get Kent State on that hippie! 1369 01:16:28,315 --> 01:16:30,085 Come on, man! Get that thing closer. 1370 01:16:35,989 --> 01:16:36,992 Huh? 1371 01:16:40,394 --> 01:16:41,429 Oh, boy! 1372 01:16:48,301 --> 01:16:49,804 Ha-ha! There ya go! 1373 01:16:53,907 --> 01:16:56,111 Whoo! That's it, baby! 1374 01:16:59,479 --> 01:17:02,517 All right, Ty. Best Christmas Eve ever. 1375 01:17:06,453 --> 01:17:08,956 I'll worry about Tyler little dick. 1376 01:17:08,989 --> 01:17:11,192 You worry about splitting this country in two. 1377 01:17:11,224 --> 01:17:12,259 Got it? 1378 01:17:14,629 --> 01:17:17,165 Not gonna lie, Jones. You're going a little crazy. 1379 01:17:17,197 --> 01:17:19,299 You, you want a tranquilizer or something? 1380 01:17:19,332 --> 01:17:20,468 No. 1381 01:17:20,501 --> 01:17:25,540 Bullets. I need bullets. 1382 01:17:25,572 --> 01:17:29,009 Okay. As long as my Santa satellites keep the U.S. military 1383 01:17:29,042 --> 01:17:31,846 busy long enough, I'll blow up Denver without you. 1384 01:17:37,684 --> 01:17:39,920 Have fun killing drunk college kids. 1385 01:17:39,953 --> 01:17:41,255 I've got a country to split in two 1386 01:17:41,288 --> 01:17:44,059 and a gazillion dollars to pick up in the Bahamas. 1387 01:17:46,626 --> 01:17:48,863 Looks like this is gonna take some super strength. 1388 01:17:54,969 --> 01:17:57,337 Howdy, warrior! You know how to pump it? 1389 01:17:57,371 --> 01:17:58,940 Oh, yeah. I've been to prison. 1390 01:18:00,073 --> 01:18:02,542 Great, the President is pissed! 1391 01:18:02,576 --> 01:18:03,611 Which means we 1392 01:18:03,644 --> 01:18:05,347 and the American public are fucked! 1393 01:18:08,381 --> 01:18:09,917 Can't let you go anywhere. 1394 01:18:10,484 --> 01:18:12,621 You're my little hostage. 1395 01:18:15,523 --> 01:18:18,359 You know, a lot of dumb college kids 1396 01:18:18,392 --> 01:18:21,261 died on that campground ten years ago. 1397 01:18:21,295 --> 01:18:23,331 The fact this Smallwood kid didn't 1398 01:18:23,363 --> 01:18:25,200 kinda makes me respect him. 1399 01:18:26,500 --> 01:18:29,404 He really is a brave motherfucker. 1400 01:18:35,408 --> 01:18:37,178 You know, I do remember you. 1401 01:18:37,211 --> 01:18:40,014 And I sure hope you know what you're doing, small dick. 1402 01:18:40,046 --> 01:18:43,017 Or else your little girlfriend here is gonna die, 1403 01:18:43,050 --> 01:18:45,420 just like her sister. 1404 01:18:45,452 --> 01:18:47,120 I'm not his girlfriend. 1405 01:18:47,153 --> 01:18:49,022 Yeah, she's not my girlfriend. 1406 01:18:49,055 --> 01:18:51,625 I lost my virginity to her sister ten years ago, 1407 01:18:51,658 --> 01:18:53,694 while she was being killed by a raccoon. 1408 01:18:53,728 --> 01:18:55,229 Holy shit! 1409 01:18:55,261 --> 01:18:57,465 That's how my sister died? 1410 01:18:57,497 --> 01:19:00,134 Uh, yeah, I was gonna, I was gonna... 1411 01:19:00,166 --> 01:19:02,502 Ye... I was gonna tell you, but some things came up. 1412 01:19:02,536 --> 01:19:04,038 And I'm-I'm sorry. 1413 01:19:04,071 --> 01:19:06,975 You might be able to take out a bunch of raccoons, 1414 01:19:07,007 --> 01:19:09,109 but can you fight a real man? 1415 01:19:14,047 --> 01:19:16,684 Hang on to that grenade, sugar tits. 1416 01:19:16,716 --> 01:19:18,987 You might need it later. 1417 01:19:21,522 --> 01:19:25,225 Ugh! You are so the patriarchy. 1418 01:19:30,063 --> 01:19:34,401 Not bad, small dick. But you know what they say. 1419 01:19:34,434 --> 01:19:38,172 It's not the size, it's how you use it. 1420 01:19:49,382 --> 01:19:51,086 Goddamn! 1421 01:19:52,053 --> 01:19:54,122 Bring it on, you furry fuck! 1422 01:20:20,346 --> 01:20:21,448 Harder! 1423 01:20:22,483 --> 01:20:25,153 Harder! Harder! Harder! Harder! 1424 01:20:31,492 --> 01:20:33,561 Goddamn! 1425 01:21:14,602 --> 01:21:16,104 I actually don't have balls. 1426 01:21:16,136 --> 01:21:18,072 Uh, the raccoons gnawed 'em off. 1427 01:21:45,465 --> 01:21:48,335 Where'd you learn this, the NYPD? 1428 01:21:48,368 --> 01:21:52,473 No. Raccoon Creek Campground, motherfucker! 1429 01:21:55,376 --> 01:21:58,379 I'm dead, for real. 1430 01:22:02,215 --> 01:22:03,484 Later on. 1431 01:22:20,434 --> 01:22:21,469 Don't drop that. 1432 01:22:21,868 --> 01:22:23,138 Come on. 1433 01:22:28,943 --> 01:22:32,647 Well, I'm going to presume everything is just fine back there. 1434 01:22:36,783 --> 01:22:39,920 I hope you're all having a happy Christmas Eve! 1435 01:22:39,953 --> 01:22:43,323 Independence isn't what it used to be, but then again, 1436 01:22:43,357 --> 01:22:47,528 this whole country isn't about to be what it used to be. 1437 01:22:47,560 --> 01:22:50,230 As long as I've got my golden VHS tape, 1438 01:22:50,264 --> 01:22:53,367 inside this here VCR, that's all I need. 1439 01:22:53,399 --> 01:22:54,902 Now if you excuse me, 1440 01:22:54,934 --> 01:22:57,537 I must dis-board this train 1441 01:22:57,571 --> 01:23:00,373 before it makes a stop inside of Washington Canyon. 1442 01:23:00,407 --> 01:23:04,845 Wait, if you keep moving, I'll just drop this grenade. 1443 01:23:04,877 --> 01:23:06,214 Kill us all. 1444 01:23:06,246 --> 01:23:07,514 Well, shitsnakes. 1445 01:23:08,248 --> 01:23:09,384 Go ahead! 1446 01:23:20,861 --> 01:23:23,598 Still no response to our abort shriek command codes, sir! 1447 01:23:23,630 --> 01:23:27,199 What the hell are shriek command codes? 1448 01:23:30,403 --> 01:23:32,505 Oh, Tom Smallwood. 1449 01:23:32,538 --> 01:23:34,341 Shooting me won't do anything. 1450 01:23:34,375 --> 01:23:37,778 The U.S. military can't get past my Santa satellites 1451 01:23:37,810 --> 01:23:41,715 and you can't stop my high tech VHS programming. 1452 01:23:41,748 --> 01:23:44,684 Seriously? There's nothing I can do to shut that thing down? 1453 01:23:44,718 --> 01:23:47,654 Nope! You might as well just drop that gun right now. 1454 01:23:54,761 --> 01:23:57,998 Fuck! I'm sorry, Darlene. 1455 01:23:58,032 --> 01:24:00,334 Looks like I failed again. 1456 01:24:00,367 --> 01:24:01,903 Just like I failed your sister. 1457 01:24:08,341 --> 01:24:10,777 Access to PEN15 restored! 1458 01:24:10,810 --> 01:24:13,447 We have regained control of PEN15, sir! 1459 01:24:13,479 --> 01:24:16,350 Shitsnakes! Didn't think of that one. 1460 01:24:16,849 --> 01:24:18,252 Sorry, daddy. 1461 01:24:26,393 --> 01:24:27,395 Kill it! 1462 01:24:54,487 --> 01:24:56,890 What's this? An end that's dead for real? 1463 01:24:59,093 --> 01:25:01,662 Good God! Now I'm dead for real! 1464 01:25:05,866 --> 01:25:07,702 Okay, stop pumping. 1465 01:25:07,734 --> 01:25:08,768 It won't stop! 1466 01:25:08,801 --> 01:25:09,836 Oh, boy. 1467 01:25:09,870 --> 01:25:11,639 Uh, everybody jump! 1468 01:25:25,786 --> 01:25:26,788 Woah! 1469 01:25:29,656 --> 01:25:31,024 Tom teeny peeny! 1470 01:25:31,825 --> 01:25:33,027 Ranger Danger? 1471 01:25:33,059 --> 01:25:34,928 You haven't won yet, small dick. 1472 01:25:34,961 --> 01:25:36,964 You dumb college kids will never again 1473 01:25:36,996 --> 01:25:38,932 laugh at the name of Ranger Rick Danger. 1474 01:25:42,803 --> 01:25:45,973 Shitsnakes! I'm dead for real now, daddy! 1475 01:25:46,005 --> 01:25:48,508 Coon-bye-yah, motherfucker! 1476 01:25:56,849 --> 01:25:59,853 Looks like you bit off exactly what you could choo-choo. 1477 01:25:59,886 --> 01:26:01,121 Nice going, warrior. 1478 01:26:01,154 --> 01:26:04,023 I knew you could do it. You're not a winner. 1479 01:26:04,056 --> 01:26:07,461 You're not a loser. And you're not a Casey. 1480 01:26:07,928 --> 01:26:09,063 You're a Ty. 1481 01:26:09,095 --> 01:26:10,630 Thanks, kid. 1482 01:26:10,663 --> 01:26:13,468 Hey, guys, look this is really all heartwarming, but what the fuck is that? 1483 01:26:24,577 --> 01:26:26,714 Ring-tailed rodent piece of shit! 1484 01:26:34,654 --> 01:26:36,991 Your dead sister would be proud. 1485 01:26:37,023 --> 01:26:39,058 Whoa, whoa. You sure you know how to use that thing? 1486 01:26:39,091 --> 01:26:40,661 I think I got the hang of it. 1487 01:26:42,162 --> 01:26:44,065 Hey, you boys gonna eat this? 1488 01:26:45,165 --> 01:26:46,533 It's all yours! 1489 01:26:46,567 --> 01:26:50,805 Woo-whee! Gonna be a good Christmas dinner this year! 1490 01:26:55,709 --> 01:26:56,743 Smartphone! 1491 01:26:56,777 --> 01:26:59,747 Get me the secret military base in Independence. 1492 01:26:59,779 --> 01:27:01,715 Generals, there's a message coming in 1493 01:27:01,747 --> 01:27:03,017 I'll patch it through. 1494 01:27:03,050 --> 01:27:04,485 Hello, Independence? 1495 01:27:04,518 --> 01:27:07,955 This is Casey Sm... This is Ty. 1496 01:27:08,855 --> 01:27:10,190 Ty Smallwood. 1497 01:27:10,224 --> 01:27:13,160 His last name means small penis either way. 1498 01:27:13,193 --> 01:27:15,896 Ranger Danger and his cronies are dead for real now. 1499 01:27:15,929 --> 01:27:19,667 The raccoons have been destroyed and the hostages are safe. 1500 01:27:23,069 --> 01:27:26,806 Come on, open! Open up, you son of a bitch, open! 1501 01:27:26,840 --> 01:27:29,643 All right, what the hell is going on? You woke me up! 1502 01:27:29,675 --> 01:27:32,111 Mr. President, it all worked out. 1503 01:27:32,144 --> 01:27:35,248 Well, that's good, because it's Christmas. 1504 01:27:37,984 --> 01:27:39,219 Yeah! Yeah! 1505 01:27:39,252 --> 01:27:43,523 ♪ Hark the herald angels sing 1506 01:27:43,556 --> 01:27:47,760 ♪ Glory to the newborn king 1507 01:27:47,794 --> 01:27:50,031 ♪ Peace on Earth... 1508 01:27:50,997 --> 01:27:52,666 It's good to have you back, Ty. 1509 01:27:53,834 --> 01:27:55,736 It's good to be back. 1510 01:27:55,769 --> 01:27:58,772 Hey, I really enjoyed fighting raccoons with you 1511 01:27:58,804 --> 01:28:00,673 and I know that I lost my virginity 1512 01:28:00,706 --> 01:28:02,142 to your dead sister ten years ago, 1513 01:28:02,175 --> 01:28:05,980 but I was wondering if you'd wanna hang out sometime? 1514 01:28:06,013 --> 01:28:08,549 I mean, I don't know if you're into older guys. 1515 01:28:08,581 --> 01:28:11,285 Uh, I actually am into older guys. 1516 01:28:11,318 --> 01:28:12,786 Oh, cool, really? 1517 01:28:12,818 --> 01:28:15,054 Yeah, but like, much older. 1518 01:28:15,087 --> 01:28:17,692 In fact, I kinda met someone. 1519 01:28:19,760 --> 01:28:21,662 - What's up, bro? - Tuck? 1520 01:28:21,694 --> 01:28:24,965 It's always an honor to fight raccoons alongside a warrior like you. 1521 01:28:24,997 --> 01:28:27,968 Next time you need me, I'll always pop up. 1522 01:28:28,001 --> 01:28:29,737 Uh, sure, yeah. 1523 01:28:29,769 --> 01:28:32,171 So, uh, you ever get high in a tree before? 1524 01:28:32,205 --> 01:28:35,075 Uh, no. But that sounds pretty awesome. 1525 01:28:35,108 --> 01:28:37,811 Far out! Merry Christmas, brother. 1526 01:28:37,844 --> 01:28:39,580 Merry Christmas, you guys. 1527 01:28:40,112 --> 01:28:41,214 What about you, Shelley? 1528 01:28:41,247 --> 01:28:42,582 Do you have plans tonight? 1529 01:28:42,616 --> 01:28:43,817 Oh, yeah. 1530 01:28:43,849 --> 01:28:45,118 With everything that's happened, 1531 01:28:45,152 --> 01:28:47,654 Double A and I have gotten a lot closer, 1532 01:28:47,688 --> 01:28:51,257 and we've decided to take our professional relationship 1533 01:28:51,291 --> 01:28:54,628 to a more personal level. 1534 01:28:54,661 --> 01:28:56,630 Thanks for everything, warrior. 1535 01:28:56,662 --> 01:29:00,000 Yes, God bless us, everyone. 1536 01:29:01,134 --> 01:29:02,870 .Merry Christmas, you guys! 1537 01:29:03,870 --> 01:29:05,305 Well, Janine, 1538 01:29:05,339 --> 01:29:09,009 turns out you were always the only girl for me. 1539 01:29:09,041 --> 01:29:10,710 Looks like it's just us again. 1540 01:29:11,912 --> 01:29:14,215 Yep, just us. 1541 01:34:31,596 --> 01:34:36,596 Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org 1541 01:34:37,305 --> 01:35:37,818 Please rate this subtitle at www.osdb.link/79bm4 Help other users to choose the best subtitles