1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 -== [ www.OpenSubtitles.com ] ==- 2 00:00:15,145 --> 00:00:19,367 ♪ I went through letters that you wrote me ♪ 3 00:00:19,410 --> 00:00:23,806 ♪ And followed your words to the bottom of the page ♪ 4 00:00:23,849 --> 00:00:28,463 ♪ To find all the things that you tried to show me ♪ 5 00:00:28,506 --> 00:00:34,077 ♪ Months ago at the bottom of the page ♪ 6 00:00:36,340 --> 00:00:40,736 ♪ All the words that I once knew ♪ 7 00:00:40,779 --> 00:00:45,523 ♪ Oh, I gave to you Yes, I gave to you ♪ 8 00:00:45,567 --> 00:00:50,006 ♪ And all of the words that I want to know ♪ 9 00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:56,230 ♪ Have dried up in the back of my throat ♪ 10 00:00:58,188 --> 00:01:02,366 ♪ I set sail across your words ♪ 11 00:01:02,410 --> 00:01:06,805 ♪ Hoping never to find shore Never to find shore ♪ 12 00:01:06,849 --> 00:01:11,506 ♪ In the ocean of ink I started to sink ♪ 13 00:01:11,549 --> 00:01:17,077 ♪ Before your words filled my lungs with breath again ♪ 14 00:01:40,796 --> 00:01:44,147 Please. No, please. 15 00:01:47,672 --> 00:01:51,067 Please. They didn't tell me an audience was coming, 16 00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:53,200 so that changes quite a bit. 17 00:01:54,723 --> 00:01:57,073 But anyway, thank you so much for coming to this... 18 00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:58,988 to this nonsense. I am Ted L. Nancy. 19 00:01:59,031 --> 00:02:01,991 And I appreciate it. And I'd like to tell you 20 00:02:02,034 --> 00:02:03,949 a little bit about how all this started, 21 00:02:03,993 --> 00:02:06,865 how I got into writing these letters 22 00:02:06,909 --> 00:02:09,303 and getting these responses, kind of an interesting story. 23 00:02:09,346 --> 00:02:11,522 So let me just make my way out here now. 24 00:02:11,566 --> 00:02:13,916 Walking, dead man walking. 25 00:02:13,959 --> 00:02:17,354 And... now I am here. 26 00:02:17,398 --> 00:02:19,356 Uh, true story. Like, I said, kind of interesting, 27 00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:21,967 it was about 20 years ago and I'm sitting in my room, 28 00:02:22,011 --> 00:02:23,534 it's about four o'clock in the morning. 29 00:02:23,578 --> 00:02:27,190 And I was sitting in my room with my lady friend Phyllis. 30 00:02:27,234 --> 00:02:29,801 And she was watching TV, kind of half listening to me, 31 00:02:29,845 --> 00:02:32,326 and I was sitting in another chair, 32 00:02:32,369 --> 00:02:34,328 mindlessly eating a bag of Fritos, 33 00:02:34,371 --> 00:02:36,330 you know how you kinda just shovel snacks in 34 00:02:36,373 --> 00:02:37,896 and stuff like that? 35 00:02:37,940 --> 00:02:39,159 I shouldn't be eating Fritos then 36 00:02:39,202 --> 00:02:40,508 and I shouldn't be eating Fritos now 37 00:02:40,551 --> 00:02:42,205 because I've had a weight problem my whole life 38 00:02:42,249 --> 00:02:43,598 and it's-- I cannot lose any weight. 39 00:02:43,641 --> 00:02:45,556 And I think I've built myself into the body 40 00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:47,950 of a small pot roast is what... 41 00:02:47,993 --> 00:02:49,821 There's... 42 00:02:49,865 --> 00:02:52,346 Terrible dieter. Constant yo-yo dieting. 43 00:02:52,389 --> 00:02:54,826 I just went on one diet. I had to go on two diets 44 00:02:54,870 --> 00:02:58,047 at the same time 'cause one diet wasn't giving me enough food. 45 00:02:59,396 --> 00:03:01,964 Listen, I know I'm not a Chippendale dancer. 46 00:03:02,007 --> 00:03:03,226 Those days are over. 47 00:03:03,270 --> 00:03:06,142 More like a Chip Ahoy dancer. 48 00:03:07,274 --> 00:03:10,102 Easy, easy now. 49 00:03:10,146 --> 00:03:13,889 Uh, terrible exerciser. I spent two hours at the gym 50 00:03:13,932 --> 00:03:16,283 this morning, I finally found parking. 51 00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:23,246 That gym is called Dead Man Working Out. 52 00:03:23,290 --> 00:03:25,466 My idea of a good workout is I like to strap myself 53 00:03:25,509 --> 00:03:29,121 onto another person while they're exercising. 54 00:03:29,165 --> 00:03:31,515 Anyway, so I'm eating these Fritos 55 00:03:31,559 --> 00:03:34,866 and I notice on the side of the bag of the Fritos, 56 00:03:34,910 --> 00:03:36,520 you know, they have like a little message. 57 00:03:36,564 --> 00:03:38,130 It said, "You got any problems? Any issues? 58 00:03:38,174 --> 00:03:41,308 Write Fritos with your issues We wanna hear from you." 59 00:03:41,351 --> 00:03:44,702 Who needs to write Fritos? You know, you got issues? 60 00:03:44,746 --> 00:03:46,661 Go to a therapist. You know? 61 00:03:46,704 --> 00:03:50,055 You don't wanna unload on a corn chip company with... 62 00:03:50,099 --> 00:03:51,883 with your problems, you know. 63 00:03:51,927 --> 00:03:54,277 And Phyllis is going, "Uh-huh. Yeah." Kind of half listening. 64 00:03:54,321 --> 00:03:55,974 And I go, "What would you say to Fritos?" 65 00:03:56,018 --> 00:03:57,280 I'm talking out loud. I go, 66 00:03:57,324 --> 00:03:59,282 "Would you act like you're a moron 67 00:03:59,326 --> 00:04:01,676 and you don't understand what a Frito is?" 68 00:04:01,719 --> 00:04:03,591 You can't understand the concept of what they're-- 69 00:04:03,634 --> 00:04:05,593 "I have no idea what you're doing here. What is this?" 70 00:04:05,636 --> 00:04:08,248 And you explain the product. "I opened your product, 71 00:04:08,291 --> 00:04:09,814 this Frito thing that you have, 72 00:04:09,858 --> 00:04:12,556 and they were all stale and they were crunchy 73 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:15,255 and they were hard and I got orange dust all over me 74 00:04:15,298 --> 00:04:16,604 and I had to throw the whole... 75 00:04:16,647 --> 00:04:19,824 I had... I had to throw the whole thing away. 76 00:04:19,868 --> 00:04:20,956 It was stale." 77 00:04:20,999 --> 00:04:22,610 And I said, "Who would write Fritos?" 78 00:04:22,653 --> 00:04:26,178 And Phyllis goes, "A nut, that's who would write Fritos." 79 00:04:26,222 --> 00:04:28,398 Then the next day I'm in the 99 cent store 80 00:04:28,442 --> 00:04:30,835 buying some Bon Ami cleanser. 81 00:04:30,879 --> 00:04:34,361 Because I only like cleanser from 1920. 82 00:04:36,145 --> 00:04:37,712 And I see the same kind of message. 83 00:04:37,755 --> 00:04:41,063 It says, "You got any problems? Any issues? Write Bon Ami. 84 00:04:41,106 --> 00:04:42,456 We wanna hear from you." And it's stamped 85 00:04:42,499 --> 00:04:44,240 Gordon Brukar the V. But I'm looking at the stamp 86 00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:45,894 and it could be-- it was smudgy. 87 00:04:45,937 --> 00:04:48,375 It could be Brukar the IV. I'm studying the stamp, you know? 88 00:04:48,418 --> 00:04:50,202 And maybe that's Gordon Brukar the III. 89 00:04:50,246 --> 00:04:52,466 And I'm building this whole fantasy of Gordon Brukar 90 00:04:52,509 --> 00:04:54,816 in my head, is there five Gordon Brukars? 91 00:04:54,859 --> 00:04:57,688 They're selling cleanser? Is there one Gordon Brukar? 92 00:04:57,732 --> 00:04:59,908 Have I stumbled on a Gordon Brukar nest? 93 00:04:59,951 --> 00:05:01,562 What is going on here? 94 00:05:01,605 --> 00:05:04,956 What would I say to him? I wanna write to this man. 95 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:06,349 I wanna get into Gordon Brukar's life. 96 00:05:06,393 --> 00:05:08,351 Would I tell him my Fritos issues? 97 00:05:08,395 --> 00:05:09,744 What would I say to him? 98 00:05:09,787 --> 00:05:12,573 Then I started noticing it, like, calling to me, 99 00:05:12,616 --> 00:05:14,531 like, you know, all these companies wanted you 100 00:05:14,575 --> 00:05:16,577 to write to them and they wanted you to reach out 101 00:05:16,620 --> 00:05:18,796 and answer them. I get my gas bill. 102 00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:21,451 And the gas bill says, "Hey, you got any problems? 103 00:05:21,495 --> 00:05:22,844 You wanna write to us? Tell us what you think 104 00:05:22,887 --> 00:05:25,368 of our gas pamphlets." And I go,"Well, you know, 105 00:05:25,412 --> 00:05:27,805 I collect the gas pamphlets and I'm missing 106 00:05:27,849 --> 00:05:31,243 the complete set from 1988. 107 00:05:31,287 --> 00:05:34,290 With all of your gas all-stars." 108 00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,423 So I thought, you know what? I'm gonna write to these people 109 00:05:36,466 --> 00:05:38,207 'cause they wanna hear from me. And why not? 110 00:05:38,250 --> 00:05:40,992 I've got 23 hours a day to kill. 111 00:05:41,036 --> 00:05:44,126 Why not write to these people? They wanna hear from me. 112 00:05:44,169 --> 00:05:46,171 That's the sick thing I had going in my head, 113 00:05:46,215 --> 00:05:47,259 that they wanted to hear from me. 114 00:05:47,303 --> 00:05:48,652 Nobody really wants to hear from me. 115 00:05:48,696 --> 00:05:51,568 So with your kind indulgence, I would like to now 116 00:05:51,612 --> 00:05:53,440 read to you Letters From a Nut. 117 00:06:08,019 --> 00:06:10,979 Did he mention these were real? 118 00:06:11,022 --> 00:06:13,764 So here's one I wrote to a deodorant company. 119 00:06:13,808 --> 00:06:14,983 I think you'll enjoy it. 120 00:06:15,026 --> 00:06:16,419 Started it off with, "Ted L. Nancy. 121 00:06:16,463 --> 00:06:19,814 560 North Moorpark Road. Apartment 236. 122 00:06:19,857 --> 00:06:23,121 Thousand Oaks, California. 91360. 123 00:06:23,165 --> 00:06:25,733 Dear Degree Deodorant. I have been using your product 124 00:06:25,776 --> 00:06:26,951 for some time. 125 00:06:26,995 --> 00:06:30,477 My underarms are finally back to normal. 126 00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:32,043 All paperwork is complete. 127 00:06:32,087 --> 00:06:34,002 I have used your deodorant for everyday functions, 128 00:06:34,045 --> 00:06:38,223 as well as special events, like at a buffet. 129 00:06:38,267 --> 00:06:40,922 On your deodorant it says, "Keeps your underarms 130 00:06:40,965 --> 00:06:44,360 cool and dry.' And then I bought a package of Parmesan cheese, 131 00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:48,059 and it says, 'Store in a cool, dry place.' 132 00:06:48,103 --> 00:06:52,194 What gives? Should I store my Parmesan cheese under my arms? 133 00:06:52,237 --> 00:06:55,415 Would it be safe to spray deodorant on my cheese? 134 00:06:55,458 --> 00:06:57,634 What can I eat? Hungry. Send me a picture 135 00:06:57,678 --> 00:07:01,551 of your deodorant for my wall. Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy." 136 00:07:01,595 --> 00:07:04,467 "Dear Mr. Nancy. It was thoughtful of you to let us 137 00:07:04,511 --> 00:07:05,816 hear your comments about Degree. 138 00:07:05,860 --> 00:07:08,515 Comments such as yours are certainly gratifying, 139 00:07:08,558 --> 00:07:10,342 and most welcome. 140 00:07:10,386 --> 00:07:11,909 As a token of our appreciation, 141 00:07:11,953 --> 00:07:15,739 I am enclosing a coupon for your use. 142 00:07:15,783 --> 00:07:21,266 Sincerely, Degree Deodorant consumer representative." 143 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:27,577 "Dear Akron Summa City Hospital, 144 00:07:27,621 --> 00:07:30,928 I have a problem. I was in a coma for five years... 145 00:07:32,713 --> 00:07:35,498 and when I woke up, I found out my wife had left me 146 00:07:35,542 --> 00:07:37,457 for another man in a coma. 147 00:07:40,808 --> 00:07:42,026 I need my records. 148 00:07:42,070 --> 00:07:44,551 My doctor's name is Dr. Jhabardi Del Fudgio. 149 00:07:44,594 --> 00:07:46,727 I think he is Ghananese. He has a freckle. 150 00:07:46,770 --> 00:07:48,076 Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy." 151 00:07:48,119 --> 00:07:49,686 "Dear Mr. Nancy, 152 00:07:49,730 --> 00:07:52,341 we have no patient treated with the name Ted L. Nancy. 153 00:07:52,384 --> 00:07:54,996 Nor do we have a Dr. Del Fudgio. 154 00:07:55,039 --> 00:07:57,128 Perhaps you have the wrong facility. 155 00:07:57,172 --> 00:08:00,349 Respectfully, Akron Summa City Hospital." 156 00:08:02,220 --> 00:08:04,092 "Dear Nordstrom's department store, 157 00:08:04,135 --> 00:08:06,573 I am a regular shopper at your store in Glendale. 158 00:08:06,616 --> 00:08:08,270 In the last few weeks, I have noticed 159 00:08:08,313 --> 00:08:10,011 that a new mannequin you have out in the store 160 00:08:10,054 --> 00:08:12,448 looks just like my deceased neighbor. 161 00:08:15,625 --> 00:08:18,628 I have passed this mannequin from many directions 162 00:08:18,672 --> 00:08:20,282 and the resemblance is uncanny: 163 00:08:20,325 --> 00:08:23,372 nose, cheekbones, hair, even down to the windbreaker jacket 164 00:08:23,415 --> 00:08:25,069 my neighbor would wear. 165 00:08:25,113 --> 00:08:26,462 Is it possible to buy... 166 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,638 is it possible to buy this mannequin 167 00:08:28,682 --> 00:08:31,641 so I may present it to my neighbor's family... 168 00:08:31,685 --> 00:08:33,251 to help with the grieving? 169 00:08:33,295 --> 00:08:34,470 I think having him there 170 00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,428 would be good therapeutic behavior for all. 171 00:08:36,472 --> 00:08:38,648 This family is in need of some good loving. 172 00:08:38,692 --> 00:08:41,912 Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy." 173 00:08:41,956 --> 00:08:45,916 "Dear Mr. Nancy, yours is one of the most interesting requests 174 00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:47,614 I have ever received. 175 00:08:47,657 --> 00:08:51,095 Candidly, I can't imagine any family who has lost a loved one 176 00:08:51,139 --> 00:08:55,360 wanting to see a mannequin that resembles that person. 177 00:08:55,404 --> 00:08:58,059 Of course, we want to respond to our customers as positively 178 00:08:58,102 --> 00:09:00,148 as possible, so I see no reason why, 179 00:09:00,191 --> 00:09:02,933 when it comes time for a change of mannequins, 180 00:09:02,977 --> 00:09:05,196 that we wouldn't sell it to you at the same price 181 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:07,590 we would get from our normal resources. 182 00:09:07,634 --> 00:09:10,071 Simply talk to our store manager there at Glendale 183 00:09:10,114 --> 00:09:12,595 and she will let you know when the time comes. 184 00:09:12,639 --> 00:09:17,382 Sincerely, Bruce A. Nordstrom. 185 00:09:19,820 --> 00:09:24,346 Reginald Perse, corporate display manager." 186 00:09:24,389 --> 00:09:27,218 Reginald Perse. 187 00:09:27,262 --> 00:09:30,613 Nordstrom's immediately followed with a second letter. 188 00:09:30,657 --> 00:09:33,442 - They were on this. - Dear Mr. Nancy, 189 00:09:33,485 --> 00:09:36,010 your letter was forwarded to me by Mr. Bruce Nordstrom 190 00:09:36,053 --> 00:09:39,448 and I am aware of your request for a particular mannequin 191 00:09:39,491 --> 00:09:41,015 resembling a deceased friend. 192 00:09:41,058 --> 00:09:43,408 After reading your letter, I was somewhat perplexed 193 00:09:43,452 --> 00:09:45,367 as to which mannequin you were talking about, 194 00:09:45,410 --> 00:09:50,241 as our store does not use male mannequins in our display area. 195 00:09:50,285 --> 00:09:52,504 I would be more than happy to work with you 196 00:09:52,548 --> 00:09:56,247 once we are able to isolate which mannequin this could be. 197 00:09:56,291 --> 00:09:58,032 Sincerely, Store Manager. 198 00:09:58,075 --> 00:10:01,818 Reginald Perse, corporate display manager." 199 00:10:01,862 --> 00:10:05,822 - Reginald Perse. - Oh, my God! 200 00:10:05,866 --> 00:10:07,345 Dear Nordstrom's, thank you for your help. 201 00:10:07,389 --> 00:10:10,044 However, there's been a new development. 202 00:10:10,087 --> 00:10:11,654 We were hoping to buy your mannequin 203 00:10:11,698 --> 00:10:13,525 so my neighbor could take it to the Olive Garden 204 00:10:13,569 --> 00:10:16,833 and maybe Six Flags Magic Mountain and go on some rides... 205 00:10:16,877 --> 00:10:19,531 to help with the grieving. This family needs this. 206 00:10:19,575 --> 00:10:21,229 However, on another visit to your store, 207 00:10:21,272 --> 00:10:23,013 my neighbor had her eye on a different mannequin 208 00:10:23,057 --> 00:10:24,536 in the camping department. 209 00:10:24,580 --> 00:10:27,322 This is a younger mannequin, better built, taller, 210 00:10:27,365 --> 00:10:29,846 no windbreaker, muscle shirt. 211 00:10:29,890 --> 00:10:32,980 I named it Carlo for her." 212 00:10:33,023 --> 00:10:35,112 Carlo. 213 00:10:37,724 --> 00:10:38,986 "Personally, I think it's too young for her. 214 00:10:39,029 --> 00:10:41,292 But to help with the grieving, I ask you..." 215 00:10:41,336 --> 00:10:43,643 "How much is that mannequin in the window? 216 00:10:43,686 --> 00:10:45,296 For the widow woman? 217 00:10:45,340 --> 00:10:47,690 Let's get her back to a solid relationship. 218 00:10:47,734 --> 00:10:50,911 Ted L. Nancy." No, I don't... 219 00:11:03,184 --> 00:11:04,751 You know, I love traveling this world. 220 00:11:04,794 --> 00:11:08,798 I consider myself an international nothing. 221 00:11:08,842 --> 00:11:11,409 A nobody here, a nobody there. 222 00:11:11,453 --> 00:11:12,759 But the only place I'll ever eat at 223 00:11:12,802 --> 00:11:15,370 is the International House of Pancakes, 224 00:11:15,413 --> 00:11:19,374 which is now officially a chain of filthy restaurants. 225 00:11:19,417 --> 00:11:20,854 Try the one in Burbank, 226 00:11:20,897 --> 00:11:22,638 I was there about four or five weeks ago in Burbank 227 00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:24,205 at the Pancake House, took a look at the menu, 228 00:11:24,248 --> 00:11:28,731 there were pictures of flies on the pictures of the food. 229 00:11:28,775 --> 00:11:30,124 I don't mind a little grease on the table, 230 00:11:30,167 --> 00:11:31,952 but I think it's disgusting while you're eating 231 00:11:31,995 --> 00:11:35,259 a fly lands on your table, slips and breaks his leg. 232 00:11:37,218 --> 00:11:38,436 So I wrote to the Netherlands, 233 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:39,742 being the international nothing that I am, 234 00:11:39,786 --> 00:11:41,004 and I wrote, "Dear Reservations, 235 00:11:41,048 --> 00:11:43,659 I am staging my play in Amsterdam 236 00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:45,226 and need to know what health permits I need 237 00:11:45,269 --> 00:11:47,271 to stay at your hotel for 12 nights. 238 00:11:47,315 --> 00:11:50,579 My play is called Hamsterdam. 239 00:11:50,622 --> 00:11:52,842 It involves a telling of the history of your city 240 00:11:52,886 --> 00:11:54,888 using 300 hamsters. 241 00:11:54,931 --> 00:11:58,239 All hamsters have been inoculated for hamster diseases. 242 00:11:58,282 --> 00:12:00,632 I keep them contained in special hamster bins 243 00:12:00,676 --> 00:12:03,331 which have been cleared by local U.S. health peoples. 244 00:12:03,374 --> 00:12:04,811 I believe his name is Andy. 245 00:12:04,854 --> 00:12:07,117 Do you have cricket vending machines as I have heard? 246 00:12:07,161 --> 00:12:08,728 Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy." 247 00:12:08,771 --> 00:12:10,860 "Amstel Hotel, The Netherlands. 248 00:12:10,904 --> 00:12:14,516 Dear Ted, unfortunately the hamsters 249 00:12:14,559 --> 00:12:16,387 are not allowed in our hotel. 250 00:12:16,431 --> 00:12:18,476 The Amstel Hotel can not accommodate 251 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:21,088 300 little hamsters in a room. 252 00:12:21,131 --> 00:12:23,046 Please be assured that we hope that your show 253 00:12:23,090 --> 00:12:24,352 will be a great event, 254 00:12:24,395 --> 00:12:27,747 but we can not reserve a room for the hamsters. 255 00:12:29,139 --> 00:12:30,750 No hamster! 256 00:12:33,535 --> 00:12:38,409 With kind regards..., 257 00:12:38,453 --> 00:12:41,369 reservations trainee." 258 00:12:41,412 --> 00:12:43,806 Dear Hotel Amstel, thank you very kindly 259 00:12:43,850 --> 00:12:45,242 for getting back to me. In this day and age, 260 00:12:45,286 --> 00:12:47,941 it is so nice to deal with a hotel as professional 261 00:12:47,984 --> 00:12:49,899 and dignified as yours. Larry! 262 00:12:49,943 --> 00:12:53,947 Sorry, I bark out men's names when agitated. 263 00:12:53,990 --> 00:12:57,167 It is a disease I am controlling with Canadian medications. 264 00:12:57,211 --> 00:12:58,778 Hector! 265 00:13:00,605 --> 00:13:01,955 Now, I understand your concern 266 00:13:01,998 --> 00:13:04,044 about keeping 300 hamsters in my room. It is wrong. 267 00:13:04,087 --> 00:13:06,002 I now realize it is a disease issue. 268 00:13:06,046 --> 00:13:09,658 That is why I have decided to re-stage my Hamsterdamplay. 269 00:13:09,701 --> 00:13:13,183 It is now called Amsterclam. 270 00:13:13,227 --> 00:13:15,490 I need to bring 500 clams into your hotel 271 00:13:15,533 --> 00:13:17,100 and have them live in the room with me. 272 00:13:17,144 --> 00:13:21,235 Clams are not like filthy hamsters. They are wet. 273 00:13:21,278 --> 00:13:22,497 Please alert housekeeping 274 00:13:22,540 --> 00:13:24,107 so when they open the door they can spray. 275 00:13:24,151 --> 00:13:25,761 Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy." 276 00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:28,024 No further reply. 277 00:13:33,943 --> 00:13:37,425 Ribbit. 278 00:13:37,468 --> 00:13:39,470 Here's a letter I think you may enjoy. 279 00:13:39,514 --> 00:13:40,558 It was to Ralphs supermarket, 280 00:13:40,602 --> 00:13:42,865 which is my favorite supermarket. 281 00:13:42,909 --> 00:13:44,998 "Dear favorite supermarket I shop at, 282 00:13:45,041 --> 00:13:47,870 I recently bought a sponge from you. 283 00:13:47,914 --> 00:13:50,046 I was in my kitchen and I put my sponge 284 00:13:50,090 --> 00:13:52,048 on the kitchen sink. 285 00:13:53,789 --> 00:13:55,530 The next morning, when I woke up, 286 00:13:55,573 --> 00:13:59,099 that sponge was in the bedroom with me. 287 00:13:59,142 --> 00:14:00,448 How did it get there? 288 00:14:00,491 --> 00:14:03,843 I took that sponge and locked it in a room. 289 00:14:03,886 --> 00:14:06,236 All night I heard banging. 290 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:07,803 That sponge wanted to get out. 291 00:14:09,413 --> 00:14:11,415 But I wouldn't let it. 292 00:14:11,459 --> 00:14:13,635 I want to talk to somebody there about the possibility 293 00:14:13,678 --> 00:14:17,552 that my sponge is haunted. Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy." 294 00:14:17,595 --> 00:14:19,989 Dear Mr. Nancy, we were sorry to hear 295 00:14:20,033 --> 00:14:22,513 that you're less than satisfied with the performance 296 00:14:22,557 --> 00:14:23,775 of this product. 297 00:14:23,819 --> 00:14:26,126 We've had no reports of similar situations. 298 00:14:26,169 --> 00:14:28,389 We forwarded your letter to our supplier, 299 00:14:28,432 --> 00:14:30,782 asking that they follow up with you. 300 00:14:30,826 --> 00:14:34,264 Respectfully yours, your favorite supermarket." 301 00:14:34,308 --> 00:14:35,875 Dear favorite supermarket, 302 00:14:35,918 --> 00:14:38,225 you said I would be hearing from the supplier 303 00:14:38,268 --> 00:14:41,402 of this sponge. I have not heard from them. 304 00:14:41,445 --> 00:14:43,578 And this sponge is bad. 305 00:14:43,621 --> 00:14:46,450 After I got your letter, I went down to my basement 306 00:14:46,494 --> 00:14:50,019 and locked this sponge in a steel box, 307 00:14:50,063 --> 00:14:52,065 and put a chain around that box. 308 00:14:52,108 --> 00:14:55,938 Then I boarded up the door with over a thousand nails. 309 00:15:00,334 --> 00:15:04,120 Then I put a manacle on that door. 310 00:15:04,164 --> 00:15:08,385 Then I went upstairs to my room to get a good night's sleep. 311 00:15:08,429 --> 00:15:11,258 At about three o'clock in the morning, I woke up. 312 00:15:11,301 --> 00:15:13,782 That sponge was right by my bed. 313 00:15:13,825 --> 00:15:15,305 I am scared. 314 00:15:15,349 --> 00:15:17,264 Also, do you sell Brillo at your store? 315 00:15:17,307 --> 00:15:21,398 Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy." 316 00:15:21,442 --> 00:15:23,357 Thought I had a pretty good idea for a business. 317 00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:24,314 You know, sometimes you go, you know what? 318 00:15:24,358 --> 00:15:25,315 This one's a winner. 319 00:15:25,359 --> 00:15:26,534 I've had quite a few losers, 320 00:15:26,577 --> 00:15:28,928 but this one's gonna take off, I feel it. 321 00:15:28,971 --> 00:15:30,581 So I needed a sign made so I wrote to, 322 00:15:30,625 --> 00:15:32,366 "Dear Banners and Signs For Less, 323 00:15:32,409 --> 00:15:34,150 I am opening a business next to 324 00:15:34,194 --> 00:15:35,891 a Koo Koo Koo-Roo restaurant. 325 00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:40,983 My business is called I Am The Walrus. 326 00:15:41,027 --> 00:15:42,811 I need a sign which I will put next to them, 327 00:15:42,854 --> 00:15:43,986 so I will have one big sign that says, 328 00:15:44,030 --> 00:15:46,336 "I am the walrus, koo koo koo-roo." 329 00:15:50,253 --> 00:15:53,648 I wrote to a seating company, so I thought why not stand? Huh? 330 00:15:53,691 --> 00:15:56,346 "Mr. Albert Meyer, American Seating Company. 331 00:15:56,390 --> 00:15:58,392 I had a seating question and was referred to you 332 00:15:58,435 --> 00:16:01,395 because you manufacture stadium seating. 333 00:16:01,438 --> 00:16:02,874 When entering or exiting a row, 334 00:16:02,918 --> 00:16:05,225 which is the proper side to face the person sitting down? 335 00:16:05,268 --> 00:16:08,837 Rear to them or crotch to them? 336 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:10,665 Last week at a sporting event, I had to leave my seat. 337 00:16:10,708 --> 00:16:13,276 There was a row of people all from the same family. 338 00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:15,235 I moved down the row realizing my buttocks 339 00:16:15,278 --> 00:16:17,889 were not two inches from this guy's entire family. 340 00:16:17,933 --> 00:16:20,501 But then again, if I turned around 341 00:16:20,544 --> 00:16:21,850 and moved down the aisle the other way, 342 00:16:21,893 --> 00:16:23,895 I would have shown his entire family my crotch. 343 00:16:23,939 --> 00:16:26,681 Isn't that worse? 344 00:16:26,724 --> 00:16:29,118 Stadium seating is the only situation in life 345 00:16:29,162 --> 00:16:31,686 where you can show whole rows of people your butt or crotch 346 00:16:31,729 --> 00:16:33,470 and it's acceptable. 347 00:16:33,514 --> 00:16:37,083 Thank you for your answer. Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy." 348 00:16:38,301 --> 00:16:41,000 "Dear Mr. Nancy, 349 00:16:41,043 --> 00:16:44,960 your letter on crotch or butt was most interesting. 350 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,876 In fact, in all 38 years 351 00:16:47,919 --> 00:16:49,704 of which I have been in this business, 352 00:16:49,747 --> 00:16:53,490 it is probably the most interesting question 353 00:16:53,534 --> 00:16:55,536 that I have ever been asked. 354 00:16:55,579 --> 00:16:58,495 I have shared your letter with numerous of my colleagues. 355 00:16:58,539 --> 00:17:01,063 But alas, we have no good answer. 356 00:17:01,107 --> 00:17:04,762 The only suggestion that we could come up with 357 00:17:04,806 --> 00:17:09,811 is for you to come early before anyone has arrived, 358 00:17:09,854 --> 00:17:13,858 stay in your seat for the entire time, 359 00:17:13,902 --> 00:17:18,124 and wait until everyone else has gone before leaving. 360 00:17:18,167 --> 00:17:23,607 This, of course, could cause an even more embarrassing problem. 361 00:17:23,651 --> 00:17:26,219 Sincerely, Albert H. Meyer, 362 00:17:26,262 --> 00:17:29,831 president, American Seating Company." 363 00:17:35,315 --> 00:17:38,231 I went to... I was in the city of Huntington Beach. 364 00:17:38,274 --> 00:17:41,930 Fine city. The parking is... is insane in Huntington Beach. 365 00:17:41,973 --> 00:17:45,455 I stopped at a meter, it said, "18 minutes for a quarter." 366 00:17:45,499 --> 00:17:47,805 What can you do in 18 minutes? Go get another quarter, 367 00:17:47,849 --> 00:17:49,198 that's what you can do. 368 00:17:50,939 --> 00:17:53,637 "Dear City Of Huntington Beach, I am moving to your city soon 369 00:17:53,681 --> 00:17:56,292 with my electronic nose blowing machine. 370 00:17:56,336 --> 00:17:58,686 I will keep this machine on my patio. 371 00:17:58,729 --> 00:18:00,644 My nose blowing machine makes a loud noise 372 00:18:00,688 --> 00:18:03,430 as if someone is blowing their nose. 373 00:18:03,473 --> 00:18:04,909 This may be annoying to some. 374 00:18:04,953 --> 00:18:07,956 The machine activates every two hours for nine blows, 375 00:18:07,999 --> 00:18:09,349 some short, too long, 376 00:18:09,392 --> 00:18:12,917 some only one nostril as the other is clogged. 377 00:18:12,961 --> 00:18:14,832 Sometimes it is four short noises, 378 00:18:14,876 --> 00:18:17,966 sometimes one really long one or a series of sharp honks. 379 00:18:18,009 --> 00:18:19,750 At 3:00 in the morning, the noise gets bad 380 00:18:19,794 --> 00:18:21,535 as I put the volume up to nine. 381 00:18:25,321 --> 00:18:28,281 Please send me information. My alligator's name is Ricardo." 382 00:18:28,324 --> 00:18:30,544 Ricardo. 383 00:18:30,587 --> 00:18:32,981 Mr. Nancy filled out the City of Huntington Beach's 384 00:18:33,024 --> 00:18:34,809 application for a nose blowing machine. 385 00:18:34,852 --> 00:18:36,898 Under "describe use of product," 386 00:18:36,941 --> 00:18:42,382 Mr. Nancy put, "blow my nose on people." 387 00:18:42,425 --> 00:18:44,601 And if you wouldn't mind, sir, 388 00:18:44,645 --> 00:18:46,821 just verifying this is the actual form 389 00:18:46,864 --> 00:18:48,518 from Huntington Beach, verifying that you see 390 00:18:48,562 --> 00:18:50,390 where it says "blow my nose on people" right there. 391 00:18:50,433 --> 00:18:52,783 You see it? Yeah? He sees it. 392 00:18:52,827 --> 00:18:55,221 I think I got a thumb's up. Yeah? Thumb's up! 393 00:18:55,264 --> 00:18:58,528 He sees it, Ted. Thank you, thank you. 394 00:18:58,572 --> 00:19:01,183 Appreciate you letting me break the fourth wall 395 00:19:01,227 --> 00:19:03,881 and talk to you. What is your name? 396 00:19:03,925 --> 00:19:05,144 You look like a... I don't know. 397 00:19:05,187 --> 00:19:07,146 I'm just gonna-- You look like a Carl to me. 398 00:19:07,189 --> 00:19:09,452 Maybe? Sort of? 399 00:19:09,496 --> 00:19:12,063 Do you mind if I call you Carl? Okay, let... let's call him-- 400 00:19:12,107 --> 00:19:15,719 It's on my bucket list to call a strange man Carl, so... 401 00:19:15,763 --> 00:19:18,722 Not that you're strange. I mean strange in the best of ways. 402 00:19:18,766 --> 00:19:21,551 Right. Right. 403 00:19:21,595 --> 00:19:24,293 - Uh, this is Ted. - Thank you for coming, Carl. 404 00:19:24,337 --> 00:19:26,121 - Thank you. - Thanks for helping us out. 405 00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:28,428 Carl, for your assistance today, I'm going to present you 406 00:19:28,471 --> 00:19:31,692 with a coupon for Degree deodorant. Thank you, Carl. 407 00:19:31,735 --> 00:19:34,477 Yes, Carl! Arms down, Carl. 408 00:19:34,521 --> 00:19:36,653 Keep the... keep the arms down. 409 00:19:38,525 --> 00:19:39,613 That's solid stuff, Carl. 410 00:19:49,144 --> 00:19:50,928 "Dear Consulate General of India, 411 00:19:50,972 --> 00:19:53,235 I have just heard that the Taj Mahal 412 00:19:53,279 --> 00:19:56,543 will now be remodeled into a Staples office supply store. 413 00:19:56,586 --> 00:19:58,980 Why? This is insanity. 414 00:19:59,023 --> 00:20:01,896 This is the Taj Mahal we're talking about. 415 00:20:01,939 --> 00:20:03,985 Will you stock jumbo paper clips? 416 00:20:04,028 --> 00:20:06,379 Who can assure me that this sacred monument will continue 417 00:20:06,422 --> 00:20:07,945 to stand as the regal shrine it is? 418 00:20:07,989 --> 00:20:10,339 Will you carry three hole punches? 419 00:20:10,383 --> 00:20:12,559 I look forward to hearing from you on this matter. 420 00:20:12,602 --> 00:20:14,952 Will you sell ink cartridges? I need many. 421 00:20:14,996 --> 00:20:18,521 Respect for the Taj Mahal. Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy." 422 00:20:18,565 --> 00:20:20,915 From the Consulate General of India. 423 00:20:20,958 --> 00:20:23,134 "Dear Mr. Nancy, with reference to your letter 424 00:20:23,178 --> 00:20:24,310 on the remodeling of Taj Mahal 425 00:20:24,353 --> 00:20:26,007 into a Staples office supply store, 426 00:20:26,050 --> 00:20:28,836 we have no such information regarding this issue. 427 00:20:28,879 --> 00:20:31,186 Please let us have the source of your information 428 00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:32,187 to clarify the matter. 429 00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:34,711 Sincerely, Jasprit Singh, 430 00:20:34,755 --> 00:20:37,758 Assistant Consulate General Of India." 431 00:20:38,672 --> 00:20:40,978 Oh. That was easy. 432 00:20:46,549 --> 00:20:49,030 "President Vaclav Havel, Czech Republic. 433 00:20:49,073 --> 00:20:51,380 Just a note to tell you how much respect I have for you 434 00:20:51,424 --> 00:20:53,861 and how our club respects the way you have handled yourself 435 00:20:53,904 --> 00:20:56,298 in the dignified manner you have over the years. 436 00:20:56,342 --> 00:20:58,735 I am happy to announce that we have bestowed membership on you 437 00:20:58,779 --> 00:21:02,565 in the Thousand Oaks Vacuum Club. 438 00:21:02,609 --> 00:21:05,438 We want you to be our treasurer. Take our money and invest it. 439 00:21:05,481 --> 00:21:08,310 If you think swimsuit netting is the answer, then buy it up. 440 00:21:08,354 --> 00:21:10,312 Buy ironing board covers if you have to. 441 00:21:10,356 --> 00:21:13,054 This is sponsored by Markel Pest Control. 442 00:21:13,097 --> 00:21:15,274 Your dignity stands as an endorsement 443 00:21:15,317 --> 00:21:17,101 to those less dignified. And don't forget, 444 00:21:17,145 --> 00:21:19,278 Markel is the best at getting rid of pumpkin odor." 445 00:21:19,321 --> 00:21:22,063 We'll rid your pumpkin odor. 446 00:21:22,106 --> 00:21:24,370 And they will. 447 00:21:24,413 --> 00:21:26,502 "With all the respect I have, Ted L. Nancy. 448 00:21:26,546 --> 00:21:29,026 Please send me a signed picture of you for my wall." 449 00:21:52,354 --> 00:21:56,010 "Office of the president, Czech Republic. 450 00:21:56,053 --> 00:22:00,841 Dear Ted, President Vaclav Havel appreciates your appointment him 451 00:22:00,884 --> 00:22:04,105 treasurer of your Thousand Oaks Vacuum Club. 452 00:22:04,148 --> 00:22:07,369 Unfortunately, it is not possible for him 453 00:22:07,413 --> 00:22:10,329 to give time to any other activity, 454 00:22:10,372 --> 00:22:13,288 apart from those required of him as head of state. 455 00:22:13,332 --> 00:22:19,599 Enclosed please find his autographed photo. 456 00:22:21,818 --> 00:22:25,169 With best regards, Vladimir Hanzel. 457 00:22:26,432 --> 00:22:28,912 No vacuum!" 458 00:23:29,495 --> 00:23:31,105 I feel the love from the audience. 459 00:23:31,148 --> 00:23:34,369 - Whoo! - I'm feeling it. 460 00:23:34,413 --> 00:23:36,850 It may not be love, but something's on me. 461 00:23:36,893 --> 00:23:38,329 Something's washing over me. 462 00:23:38,373 --> 00:23:39,722 I thought it was your love, but it... 463 00:23:39,766 --> 00:23:42,464 Something's itching me right now. 464 00:23:42,508 --> 00:23:44,379 I got it on me. 465 00:23:44,423 --> 00:23:46,555 Actually, it's very nice and I'm so glad that we are here 466 00:23:46,599 --> 00:23:48,731 because it's nice to see some theater. 467 00:23:48,775 --> 00:23:52,082 I watch too much television. I just bought a 62-inch TV, 468 00:23:52,126 --> 00:23:55,346 which is big, considering I'm only 59 inches. 469 00:23:57,131 --> 00:23:59,438 But it is nice to be here at the Geffen Theater 470 00:23:59,481 --> 00:24:03,093 Nightclub Hotel and Casino out here, 471 00:24:03,137 --> 00:24:05,444 right up here on the Le Conte Strip. 472 00:24:05,487 --> 00:24:10,449 This Geffen is one of our finest Indian casinos. 473 00:24:10,492 --> 00:24:12,407 Just be glad it's not a coffee shop. 474 00:24:12,451 --> 00:24:13,887 There's too many coffee shops opening. 475 00:24:13,930 --> 00:24:15,105 It's getting out of hand. 476 00:24:15,149 --> 00:24:16,629 These Starbucks are opening everywhere. 477 00:24:16,672 --> 00:24:20,284 Saw this morning a Starbucks opened in a Coffee Bean. 478 00:24:23,287 --> 00:24:25,072 So I wrote to the Harriet Carter Gifts. 479 00:24:25,115 --> 00:24:26,465 Are you all familiar with Harriet Carter? 480 00:24:26,508 --> 00:24:28,162 Maybe some of you are out there? 481 00:24:28,205 --> 00:24:30,469 They make these fine products, a fine company, Harriet Carter. 482 00:24:30,512 --> 00:24:31,861 And I wrote to them... 483 00:24:31,905 --> 00:24:34,255 "Dear Harriet Carter customer service, 484 00:24:34,298 --> 00:24:35,517 I want to order a product from you. 485 00:24:35,561 --> 00:24:38,694 My electronic nose blowing machine blew out. 486 00:24:40,130 --> 00:24:41,654 My neighbor attacked it. 487 00:24:41,697 --> 00:24:43,656 I think it over-blew. It was supposed to blow its nose 488 00:24:43,699 --> 00:24:46,615 12 times during the night every 40 minutes. 489 00:24:46,659 --> 00:24:49,488 It reversed and blew its nose 40 times in 12 minutes. 490 00:24:49,531 --> 00:24:52,926 Is Shelly there? Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy." 491 00:24:52,969 --> 00:24:54,231 "Thank you for your inquiry. 492 00:24:54,275 --> 00:24:56,843 I am sending information about the neti pot. 493 00:24:56,886 --> 00:24:59,323 It is not electronic, though. Sincerely yours, 494 00:24:59,367 --> 00:25:01,848 Harriet Carter Gifts customer service department. 495 00:25:01,891 --> 00:25:04,981 Mix saline solution using warm water. 496 00:25:05,025 --> 00:25:06,809 Tilt your head to one side 497 00:25:06,853 --> 00:25:10,378 and gently insert the spout into the upper nostril. 498 00:25:10,421 --> 00:25:14,643 Relax. If you are calm, water flows right through. 499 00:25:14,687 --> 00:25:17,211 Keep breathing through your mouth. Stay relaxed. 500 00:25:17,254 --> 00:25:20,475 $7.98." 501 00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:22,738 "Dear Harriet Carter Gifts, thank you for answering me 502 00:25:22,782 --> 00:25:25,045 regarding your electronic nose blowing machine. 503 00:25:25,088 --> 00:25:26,786 And thank you for the picture of the woman 504 00:25:26,829 --> 00:25:30,616 with the fireplace squeezer in her nostril. 505 00:25:30,659 --> 00:25:33,357 Many hours of enjoyment looking at it. 506 00:25:33,401 --> 00:25:37,492 Now I want to know if you have the electric chair. 507 00:25:37,536 --> 00:25:40,277 This is the chair that is designed to shock those peoples 508 00:25:40,321 --> 00:25:41,627 that need punishment. 509 00:25:41,670 --> 00:25:44,281 A wet spongy leather cap is placed on your head 510 00:25:44,325 --> 00:25:45,544 after shaving your head and leg. 511 00:25:45,587 --> 00:25:47,371 The Harriet Carter volt lever is pulled 512 00:25:47,415 --> 00:25:49,983 and 2,000 volts go through the offender. 513 00:25:50,026 --> 00:25:52,159 Some mess may occur. 514 00:25:52,202 --> 00:25:55,249 Also, do you have toe socks as others have told me? 515 00:25:55,292 --> 00:25:57,164 Harriet Carter is the finest company out there. 516 00:25:57,207 --> 00:26:00,646 - Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy." -"Dear Mr. Fred Nancy, 517 00:26:00,689 --> 00:26:02,473 we do not carry the electric chair. 518 00:26:02,517 --> 00:26:04,954 But we do carry toe socks. 519 00:26:04,998 --> 00:26:07,130 Thank you for your kind words about our company. 520 00:26:07,174 --> 00:26:10,569 It is a pleasure to serve you. 521 00:26:10,612 --> 00:26:14,703 Toe-separating socks keep your piggies apart, dry and healthy. 522 00:26:14,747 --> 00:26:18,707 One size fits most. $6.98." 523 00:26:18,751 --> 00:26:21,754 "Dear Harriet Carter Gifts, thank you for answering me 524 00:26:21,797 --> 00:26:25,148 regarding the electric chair. I am sorry you do not carry it. 525 00:26:25,192 --> 00:26:29,196 Now, I was wondering if you carry the gas chamber. 526 00:26:29,239 --> 00:26:32,678 This is designed to gas those peoples that need punishment. 527 00:26:33,766 --> 00:26:35,376 Harriet Carter cyanide pellets 528 00:26:35,419 --> 00:26:37,378 are plopped into the compartment. 529 00:26:37,421 --> 00:26:38,901 A Harriet Carter lever is pulled 530 00:26:38,945 --> 00:26:41,687 and the poison gas is sucked in through the nostrils. 531 00:26:41,730 --> 00:26:43,993 Can I use the neti pot for this? 532 00:26:45,604 --> 00:26:47,214 Responses can include convulsions 533 00:26:47,257 --> 00:26:50,913 and excessive drooling. Some mess may occur. 534 00:26:50,957 --> 00:26:52,611 Also, do you have dog vests? 535 00:26:52,654 --> 00:26:54,569 Harriet Carter is the best company I have ever heard of 536 00:26:54,613 --> 00:26:57,137 for customer service, customer dedication 537 00:26:57,180 --> 00:26:59,400 and general customer-- need another word here. 538 00:26:59,443 --> 00:27:01,881 I will note it in my folder. Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy. 539 00:27:01,924 --> 00:27:02,969 Not Fred." 540 00:27:03,012 --> 00:27:05,232 "We do not carry the gas chamber. 541 00:27:05,275 --> 00:27:08,670 Small reflective dog vest is $9.98. 542 00:27:08,714 --> 00:27:12,195 We have included an order form and an envelope. 543 00:27:12,239 --> 00:27:14,284 Sincerely yours, Harriet Carter Gifts 544 00:27:14,328 --> 00:27:15,808 customer service department." 545 00:27:15,851 --> 00:27:19,638 I have 21 of these Harriet Carter letters and replies. 546 00:27:22,031 --> 00:27:24,120 "Dear Harriet Carter Gifts, thank you for answering me 547 00:27:24,164 --> 00:27:27,297 regarding my gas chamber item. I am sorry you do not carry it. 548 00:27:27,341 --> 00:27:28,472 Now I was wondering if you carry 549 00:27:28,516 --> 00:27:32,085 the Harriet Carter Firing Squad. 550 00:27:32,128 --> 00:27:35,523 Some mess may occur. Also, do you have the Smart Mop 551 00:27:35,566 --> 00:27:38,004 for the "some mess that may occur?" 552 00:27:38,047 --> 00:27:40,484 Harriet Carter is the best company I have ever heard of. 553 00:27:40,528 --> 00:27:42,138 I will note it in my folder and show others. 554 00:27:42,182 --> 00:27:44,097 Respectfully, Fred Nancy." 555 00:27:44,140 --> 00:27:45,794 "Dear Mr. Fred Nancy, 556 00:27:45,838 --> 00:27:47,666 we do not carry the firing squad. 557 00:27:47,709 --> 00:27:49,711 But we do sell the Smart Mop. 558 00:27:49,755 --> 00:27:53,323 Smart Mop soaks up ten times its weight in water 559 00:27:53,367 --> 00:27:55,499 than string or sponge mop. 560 00:27:55,543 --> 00:28:00,113 It includes three shammies. $14.98. 561 00:28:00,156 --> 00:28:01,897 Smart Mop! 562 00:28:01,941 --> 00:28:05,379 I'm smarter than this mop! 563 00:28:05,422 --> 00:28:08,643 The customer is always right at Harriet Carter." 564 00:28:08,687 --> 00:28:11,951 - Harry Lecter! - Harriet Carter! 565 00:28:14,562 --> 00:28:16,607 - Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm good. 566 00:28:16,651 --> 00:28:18,087 Let's go, 20 more! Let's do this! 567 00:28:18,131 --> 00:28:20,481 Would you like... 568 00:28:20,524 --> 00:28:22,875 Would you like a break? Maybe a little break in... 569 00:28:22,918 --> 00:28:24,006 - Really? - Of course. 570 00:28:24,050 --> 00:28:25,704 Is there time? Quick break. So sorry. 571 00:28:25,747 --> 00:28:28,663 - Time? We got nothing but time. - Nothing but time. Thank you. 572 00:28:48,291 --> 00:28:50,163 Ah! 573 00:28:52,426 --> 00:28:56,299 Ah! The customer is always right at Harriet Carter. 574 00:28:57,648 --> 00:28:59,694 Hi, Carl. How you doing? 575 00:29:00,651 --> 00:29:03,263 Do your thing now, go. Do it! 576 00:29:32,335 --> 00:29:34,033 Do you want solar panels? 577 00:29:34,076 --> 00:29:36,644 You can save up to 80 percent on your electric bill. 578 00:29:36,687 --> 00:29:39,473 Never pay an electric bill again. 579 00:29:39,516 --> 00:29:43,216 Are you the homeowner? 580 00:29:46,262 --> 00:29:48,917 Is Mrs. Pagliacci there? 581 00:29:48,961 --> 00:29:50,832 Larry! 582 00:29:50,876 --> 00:29:55,054 Has anyone seen the water cooler? Sam? 583 00:29:55,097 --> 00:29:57,621 We got him off Angie's List. 584 00:30:00,102 --> 00:30:01,669 $99 for eight hours. 585 00:30:09,895 --> 00:30:11,505 You all look so... so nice, 586 00:30:11,548 --> 00:30:14,247 and it's so nice to see people dressed up and nice and... 587 00:30:14,290 --> 00:30:17,250 the ladies in their nice dresses, men in suit and ties. 588 00:30:17,293 --> 00:30:19,469 You never see anybody in a suit and tie anymore. 589 00:30:19,513 --> 00:30:21,341 The only people you see now in suit and ties 590 00:30:21,384 --> 00:30:24,126 are in a coffin in a funeral home. 591 00:30:24,170 --> 00:30:25,867 That's it. You gotta literally be dead 592 00:30:25,911 --> 00:30:27,782 to put on a suit and tie now. 593 00:30:30,306 --> 00:30:35,137 Ordering Jinjiang Jiaxing Group Jiang, Fujian, China. 594 00:30:35,181 --> 00:30:37,531 "Dear Jiaxing peoples, I need to buy clothing 595 00:30:37,574 --> 00:30:40,751 for my chain of stores. I own Plus Size Batman Wear. 596 00:30:40,795 --> 00:30:43,754 For the big man in your life who dresses like Batman. 597 00:30:43,798 --> 00:30:47,976 Yes we have XXXL capes. We have 72-inch waist belts. 598 00:30:48,020 --> 00:30:50,761 See us for tights that stretch to a 500-pound man. 599 00:30:50,805 --> 00:30:53,112 Can you make this costume? China is a wonderful country. 600 00:30:53,155 --> 00:30:57,768 They fixed my computer. Respectfully, Ted L. Nancy." 601 00:30:57,812 --> 00:31:00,728 "Dear Nancy, 602 00:31:00,771 --> 00:31:06,429 okay, note your requirement of obese Batman wear. 603 00:31:06,473 --> 00:31:08,867 We can do as your any size you want, 604 00:31:08,910 --> 00:31:12,958 please kindly advice the below style, is it okay for you? 605 00:31:13,001 --> 00:31:15,656 Best regards, Peter." 606 00:31:15,699 --> 00:31:18,267 "Dear Peter at Jiaxing Batman Company, 607 00:31:18,311 --> 00:31:20,095 thank you for your most timely email. 608 00:31:20,139 --> 00:31:23,098 It is quite appreciated in this day and age of internet disgust, 609 00:31:23,142 --> 00:31:26,058 revulsion and nastiness and untimely emails. 610 00:31:26,101 --> 00:31:28,669 I was quite impressed with your email and emailing etiquette, 611 00:31:28,712 --> 00:31:30,497 and lack of disgust and repulsion. 612 00:31:30,540 --> 00:31:32,716 All 14 of us here were impressed with the quality, 613 00:31:32,760 --> 00:31:35,981 including Morris who hands out the medicines. 614 00:31:36,024 --> 00:31:38,897 I am hoping we can do business. Respectfully, Ted L. Nancy." 615 00:31:38,940 --> 00:31:43,292 "Dear Nancy, okay, noted. 616 00:31:43,336 --> 00:31:45,207 May I have your size? 617 00:31:45,251 --> 00:31:47,993 Please kindly advise. Best regards, Peter." 618 00:31:48,036 --> 00:31:50,473 "Dear Peter, once again your email is outstanding. 619 00:31:52,345 --> 00:31:55,522 Precise, concise, compressed, and concise again, and clear, 620 00:31:55,565 --> 00:31:57,002 and one more concise. 621 00:31:57,045 --> 00:32:02,964 I have notified the Email Association Of America, EAA. 622 00:32:03,008 --> 00:32:09,101 I sent them a letter by regular mail and rated this a 5B@. 623 00:32:09,144 --> 00:32:11,407 My shoppers are usually 600-pounders and above. 624 00:32:11,451 --> 00:32:13,540 Most have been cut out of the wall. 625 00:32:13,583 --> 00:32:16,847 Which reminds me of a very funny "cut out of the wall" story. 626 00:32:16,891 --> 00:32:19,981 This 1,100-pound man was being cut out of his home by firemens. 627 00:32:20,025 --> 00:32:21,678 They sawed a hole in the side of his house 628 00:32:21,722 --> 00:32:23,854 so he could be taken out. I turned to my companion 629 00:32:23,898 --> 00:32:27,380 and said, 'All this to buy shoes.' 630 00:32:27,423 --> 00:32:30,252 We both had a chuckle. Respectfully, Ted L. Nancy." 631 00:32:30,296 --> 00:32:34,996 "Dear Nancy, okay, noted. 632 00:32:35,040 --> 00:32:37,564 Please kindly advice the following question: 633 00:32:37,607 --> 00:32:41,002 The material is cotton with 'spendex,' is it okay? 634 00:32:41,046 --> 00:32:42,830 Best regards, Peter." 635 00:32:42,873 --> 00:32:46,268 "Dear Jiaxing Batman Fatties, 636 00:32:46,312 --> 00:32:48,401 sorry for the three-week delay in answering your email. 637 00:32:48,444 --> 00:32:51,926 I am being treated for outbursts. Rudy! 638 00:32:51,970 --> 00:32:54,668 Let's get me some fatty batty prices. Ted L. Nancy." 639 00:32:54,711 --> 00:32:59,673 "No further reply." 640 00:33:02,806 --> 00:33:07,115 Ribbit. 641 00:33:15,863 --> 00:33:17,996 Look at us, trying to get a laugh here with some... 642 00:33:18,039 --> 00:33:20,389 Just a cruise ship horn, that's what we're relying on here 643 00:33:20,433 --> 00:33:23,914 to try to get a laugh. How pathetic are we, huh? 644 00:33:23,958 --> 00:33:25,481 Next you'll think we're gonna try to get a laugh 645 00:33:25,525 --> 00:33:29,094 with maybe some casino slot machine noises or something. 646 00:33:29,137 --> 00:33:30,704 So I wanted to take a cruise. 647 00:33:30,747 --> 00:33:34,577 I was depressed, I was on that antidepressant drug Zoloft. 648 00:33:34,621 --> 00:33:38,842 Which the side effects were nausea, dizziness and diarrhea, 649 00:33:38,886 --> 00:33:45,110 which, hey, is a pretty good Saturday night for me. 650 00:33:45,153 --> 00:33:47,025 "Dear Cruise Deals, I am interested in-- 651 00:33:58,906 --> 00:34:00,864 Dear Cruise Deals, I am interested in taking your 652 00:34:00,908 --> 00:34:05,086 14-day cruise to Bermuda for myself and my companion Frito. 653 00:34:05,130 --> 00:34:06,305 Frito has a disability. 654 00:34:06,348 --> 00:34:09,395 He suffers from Tourette's sign language. 655 00:34:09,438 --> 00:34:11,092 This is a form of Tourette's Syndrome, 656 00:34:11,136 --> 00:34:13,486 where one shouts out obscene words. 657 00:34:13,529 --> 00:34:15,009 Frito is a mute and cannot speak. 658 00:34:15,053 --> 00:34:18,665 So he makes obscene gestures at strangers. 659 00:34:18,708 --> 00:34:20,623 Believe me, it can be quite troublesome 660 00:34:20,667 --> 00:34:22,538 to see an innocent couple enjoying the warm sun 661 00:34:22,582 --> 00:34:25,063 and Frito gives them the finger." 662 00:34:27,239 --> 00:34:30,242 I love the random laughter going on here, I love it. 663 00:34:30,285 --> 00:34:32,722 I love you guys, I actually love you guys. 664 00:34:32,766 --> 00:34:35,421 "I will be arriving by raincage from Lodi. 665 00:34:35,464 --> 00:34:38,728 Frito shaves every 30 minutes. 666 00:34:38,772 --> 00:34:41,862 Sincerely, Ted Nancy. Frito likes limes." 667 00:34:43,168 --> 00:34:44,473 "Thank you for allowing us 668 00:34:44,517 --> 00:34:46,649 to help you reserve your cruise vacation. 669 00:34:46,693 --> 00:34:49,652 I will work with the cruise line in any way possible 670 00:34:49,696 --> 00:34:52,264 to accommodate your needs for travel. 671 00:34:52,307 --> 00:34:55,180 Unfortunately, there are not any 14-day cruises 672 00:34:55,223 --> 00:34:56,703 offered to Bermuda. 673 00:34:56,746 --> 00:34:59,314 Best regards, Ramona Lemon." 674 00:34:59,358 --> 00:35:01,664 Oh, my-- enough with the horn! 675 00:35:01,708 --> 00:35:05,059 Stop it! Stop it! Carl, help me! 676 00:35:05,103 --> 00:35:08,193 Please help me! 677 00:35:24,209 --> 00:35:26,080 "Dear Chinook Winds Indian Casino, 678 00:35:26,124 --> 00:35:29,170 I want to sell ham sandwiches in your men's room. 679 00:35:30,476 --> 00:35:31,868 People eat 'em up. Why not? 680 00:35:31,912 --> 00:35:34,001 Call me Ernesto when we first meet. It's for me. 681 00:35:34,044 --> 00:35:36,699 It's an impulse buy that works 40 percent of the time. 682 00:35:36,743 --> 00:35:38,832 This sign should be in the men's room mirror: 683 00:35:38,875 --> 00:35:40,442 Yes, we have the potty melt. 684 00:35:40,486 --> 00:35:43,228 Forget about Ernesto. Call me Miguel. I need this. 685 00:35:43,271 --> 00:35:46,405 Try our sweetbread combo. Ask for a number three. 686 00:35:46,448 --> 00:35:48,798 Please do not request pineapple on your ham sandwich. 687 00:35:48,842 --> 00:35:50,887 I do not want to mess with this in the bathroom. 688 00:35:50,931 --> 00:35:52,976 I was told your casino was open to new opportunities 689 00:35:53,020 --> 00:35:55,501 in your men's room. Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy." 690 00:35:55,544 --> 00:35:57,894 "Dear Mr. Nancy, we thank you for your interest, 691 00:35:57,938 --> 00:35:59,766 but at this time we are not interested in putting 692 00:35:59,809 --> 00:36:03,161 any business in the restrooms. 693 00:36:03,204 --> 00:36:06,076 We also have five food outlets for our customers. 694 00:36:06,120 --> 00:36:08,122 Again, thank you for considering us, 695 00:36:08,166 --> 00:36:09,819 but at this time we are fine. 696 00:36:09,863 --> 00:36:14,346 Sincerely, Shirley Twinton, purchasing manager. 697 00:36:14,389 --> 00:36:16,870 No ham sandwich!" 698 00:36:18,567 --> 00:36:21,179 "Dear Shirley Twinton, Chinook Winds Casino, 699 00:36:21,222 --> 00:36:23,311 forget ham sandwiches in your bathroom stall. 700 00:36:23,355 --> 00:36:25,357 I now realize it was a bad idea. 701 00:36:25,400 --> 00:36:27,750 I want to do tax returns in your men's room." 702 00:36:30,362 --> 00:36:31,798 "People need their taxes done, 703 00:36:31,841 --> 00:36:33,452 why not when they're on the potty? 704 00:36:33,495 --> 00:36:36,237 Call me Bernardo when we first meet. I need it. 705 00:36:36,281 --> 00:36:38,370 It's an impulse buy that works 60 percent of the time. 706 00:36:38,413 --> 00:36:42,243 Forget Bernardo. Call me Juan Carlos. I have to have this. 707 00:36:42,287 --> 00:36:46,813 Please do not request an extension while on the toilet." 708 00:36:50,251 --> 00:36:53,385 "I was told that your casino was open to new tax opportunities 709 00:36:53,428 --> 00:36:57,127 in your men's room? Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy?" 710 00:36:58,390 --> 00:37:01,784 Jackpot! 711 00:37:02,698 --> 00:37:04,483 "Luxury Hotel, San Francisco, 712 00:37:04,526 --> 00:37:06,006 I would like to check in for a week. 713 00:37:06,049 --> 00:37:07,877 I have a problem which I like to address to hotels 714 00:37:07,921 --> 00:37:13,056 I eat my mattress. 715 00:37:13,100 --> 00:37:15,363 Can you give me a flat rate so I will not be charged 716 00:37:15,407 --> 00:37:18,105 an excessive amount for the bedding I chew and nibble on? 717 00:37:18,148 --> 00:37:19,889 I am sorry I eat through my mattress. 718 00:37:19,933 --> 00:37:21,195 This is something I have to deal with. 719 00:37:21,239 --> 00:37:23,110 Especially when the mattress is chewy. 720 00:37:23,153 --> 00:37:26,244 I would like a set fee on what my charge would be 721 00:37:26,287 --> 00:37:28,681 for the gnawed and partially eaten bedding. 722 00:37:28,724 --> 00:37:30,335 Thank you, Ted L. Nancy." 723 00:37:32,815 --> 00:37:35,905 "Dear Mr. Nancy, regarding your question 724 00:37:35,949 --> 00:37:38,212 about the cost of damage to a guest room, 725 00:37:38,256 --> 00:37:39,909 we would have to have the housekeeping department 726 00:37:39,953 --> 00:37:42,085 give you an estimate before your departure. 727 00:37:42,129 --> 00:37:45,088 Yeah. You see, without sending you the cost 728 00:37:45,132 --> 00:37:47,177 of all of our bedding, it would be impossible 729 00:37:47,221 --> 00:37:48,831 to answer this question. 730 00:37:48,875 --> 00:37:52,531 It might be better if I put you in touch with someone else." 731 00:37:55,098 --> 00:37:58,406 M... maybe Ron. 732 00:37:58,450 --> 00:38:01,801 Yeah, Ron. 733 00:38:01,844 --> 00:38:05,152 He would be good with chewed up bedding. 734 00:38:05,195 --> 00:38:08,895 Ron, at extension 103. 735 00:38:08,938 --> 00:38:14,335 Ron, who eats my lunch every day even though I put my name on it! 736 00:38:14,379 --> 00:38:19,993 Ron, who still owes me $4 for Bridget's birthday lunch! 737 00:38:20,036 --> 00:38:23,431 - Ron, who stole Bridget's-- - Wait, what... 738 00:38:23,475 --> 00:38:25,041 What are you doing? 739 00:38:25,085 --> 00:38:29,481 There's no hotel manager that walks around like that. 740 00:38:29,524 --> 00:38:32,658 You.. You look... you look like... 741 00:38:32,701 --> 00:38:36,792 You look like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly. 742 00:38:36,836 --> 00:38:39,055 I think I saw some... some bristly hairs... 743 00:38:39,099 --> 00:38:41,057 Oh, you still do... some bristly hairs break out 744 00:38:41,101 --> 00:38:45,279 on your back. You look like a praying mantis. 745 00:38:45,323 --> 00:38:50,066 "Mr. Nancy, I hope that I've been of some help to you. 746 00:38:50,110 --> 00:38:53,809 Best regards, hotel manager." 747 00:38:59,032 --> 00:39:00,729 "Dear Huntington Hotel, 748 00:39:00,773 --> 00:39:03,558 so nice of you to write back - my eating my bed. 749 00:39:03,602 --> 00:39:07,345 - I also chew on the drapes." - Ron! 750 00:39:07,388 --> 00:39:08,998 "This is only the bottom of the drapes 751 00:39:09,042 --> 00:39:11,131 as the top is too thick and I can't digest them 752 00:39:11,174 --> 00:39:14,395 - properly without massive gas." - Yeah, yeah, Ron! 753 00:39:14,439 --> 00:39:16,136 "Looking forward to a comfortable stay. 754 00:39:16,179 --> 00:39:19,748 - Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy." - No further reply. 755 00:39:25,754 --> 00:39:28,627 Ribbit. 756 00:39:28,670 --> 00:39:31,020 Let me make my way out here with you fine folks. 757 00:39:31,064 --> 00:39:33,719 I hope the momentum of my weight doesn't catapult me 758 00:39:33,762 --> 00:39:35,416 into the audience here. 759 00:39:35,460 --> 00:39:37,766 I feel like some kind of a beach ball 760 00:39:37,810 --> 00:39:41,553 being passed around a festival. 761 00:39:41,596 --> 00:39:44,599 I wrote to the Best Western Motel in Reno, Nevada, 762 00:39:44,643 --> 00:39:46,819 which is a fantastic luxury motel. 763 00:39:46,862 --> 00:39:48,734 I don't know if anybody... fantastic... 764 00:39:48,777 --> 00:39:50,736 Anybody ever stay at the Best Western in Reno? 765 00:39:50,779 --> 00:39:54,000 It's fantastic and extensive remodeling going on at this one. 766 00:39:54,043 --> 00:39:57,743 There was new duct tape on the carpeting. 767 00:39:57,786 --> 00:39:59,614 I checked in, I said, "What kind of a view 768 00:39:59,658 --> 00:40:01,442 do you get for $60 a night?" He goes, 769 00:40:01,486 --> 00:40:04,619 "For $60 a night, you get a view of someone paying $80 a night." 770 00:40:06,665 --> 00:40:11,321 Checked in, got my tetanus shot, I went right up to the room. 771 00:40:11,365 --> 00:40:14,890 Slept like a baby over there, I crayoned on the walls. 772 00:40:16,675 --> 00:40:18,024 Terrible security at the Best Western. 773 00:40:18,067 --> 00:40:19,895 The security guard called me from the parking lot 774 00:40:19,939 --> 00:40:22,463 and said, "Is your car still here?" 775 00:40:24,813 --> 00:40:27,076 Maid knocked on my door, asked if she could clean up, 776 00:40:27,120 --> 00:40:29,035 I said, "Okay." She came in, she took a shower, 777 00:40:29,078 --> 00:40:30,602 she did her hair. 778 00:40:32,908 --> 00:40:35,128 "Dear Best Western Hotel Reno, Nevada, 779 00:40:35,171 --> 00:40:38,653 I will be arriving by tuna boat March 1, 780 00:40:38,697 --> 00:40:41,308 wish to make reservations at your grand motel. 781 00:40:41,351 --> 00:40:45,443 How can I be sure that I will be treated with utmost respect? 782 00:40:45,486 --> 00:40:47,488 Can someone help me with my respect when I check in? 783 00:40:47,532 --> 00:40:49,098 How much respect will I get? 784 00:40:49,142 --> 00:40:52,667 Seeking respect. Thank you. Respectfully, Ted L. Nancy." 785 00:40:52,711 --> 00:40:55,365 "Best Western Reno, Nevada. 786 00:40:55,409 --> 00:40:59,631 Dear Mr. Nancy, thank you for your interest in our hotel. 787 00:40:59,674 --> 00:41:01,284 I can assure you you will be treated 788 00:41:01,328 --> 00:41:03,852 like all other patrons that stay with us, 789 00:41:03,896 --> 00:41:05,985 and that is with respect. 790 00:41:06,028 --> 00:41:08,988 Respectfully, front desk clerk. 791 00:41:09,031 --> 00:41:11,556 P.S. I hope you are aware we don't have 792 00:41:11,599 --> 00:41:14,428 any docking facilities for your tuna boat. 793 00:41:15,603 --> 00:41:18,563 No tuna boat. No disrespect." 794 00:41:23,219 --> 00:41:24,917 - You still in there? - Yeah, I'm still here. 795 00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:28,094 Where am I gonna go, huh? 796 00:41:28,137 --> 00:41:31,140 You... you're on the floor in the dark. 797 00:41:31,184 --> 00:41:34,361 I'm in the Witness Protection Program! 798 00:41:34,404 --> 00:41:36,450 - You're on the-- - I got a whole backstory! 799 00:41:36,494 --> 00:41:38,757 You have no idea what I'm-- I got a lot of free time 800 00:41:38,800 --> 00:41:40,846 over here to work stuff out. 801 00:41:42,238 --> 00:41:43,979 I just want the audience to know that no actors 802 00:41:44,023 --> 00:41:47,026 were harmed during this production. 803 00:41:47,069 --> 00:41:51,160 Give it time, give it time. 804 00:41:51,204 --> 00:41:54,033 I wrote to the Ziploc plastic bag company. 805 00:41:54,076 --> 00:41:56,818 I love these household things, the plastic bags, 806 00:41:56,862 --> 00:41:59,647 Saran Wrap, plastic wrap, I love plastic wrap. 807 00:41:59,691 --> 00:42:01,431 It's gotta be the greatest invention in the world 808 00:42:01,475 --> 00:42:03,477 because before plastic wrap, 809 00:42:03,521 --> 00:42:06,262 you would just take the leftovers and throw them out. 810 00:42:06,306 --> 00:42:08,308 Now, with plastic wrap, you take the leftovers, 811 00:42:08,351 --> 00:42:09,396 you wrap them in plastic wrap, 812 00:42:09,439 --> 00:42:11,093 you put them in the refrigerator, 813 00:42:11,137 --> 00:42:13,661 then two weeks later you throw them both out. 814 00:42:15,663 --> 00:42:17,273 "Dear Ziploc plastic bag company, 815 00:42:17,317 --> 00:42:19,928 I have been using your bags for years to put sandwiches in. 816 00:42:19,972 --> 00:42:21,451 It does keep in the freshness. 817 00:42:21,495 --> 00:42:24,324 What is disturbing to me, and I want to be sensitive here, 818 00:42:24,367 --> 00:42:26,848 is I have noticed your bags are now used by people 819 00:42:26,892 --> 00:42:28,328 to put dog poop in. 820 00:42:28,371 --> 00:42:31,549 Your 'keeps the freshness in' does not work anymore. 821 00:42:31,592 --> 00:42:33,551 It is now hard to use my Ziploc sandwich bag 822 00:42:33,594 --> 00:42:36,684 when all I see is people walking around with bags of dog poop. 823 00:42:36,728 --> 00:42:38,773 Maybe you could make a dog poop bag 824 00:42:38,817 --> 00:42:41,602 so people could use that to put their sandwiches in. 825 00:42:41,646 --> 00:42:46,389 - Ted L. Nancy." - Hand in poop bag. 826 00:42:46,433 --> 00:42:48,130 "Hello. 827 00:42:48,174 --> 00:42:50,306 While I'm sorry to hear of your recent experience 828 00:42:50,350 --> 00:42:52,657 regarding Ziploc brand sandwich bags, 829 00:42:52,700 --> 00:42:56,138 please know we do not have control as to what others choose 830 00:42:56,182 --> 00:42:59,228 to store or pick up in our bags. 831 00:42:59,272 --> 00:43:03,493 Kind regards, consumer relationship center. 832 00:43:03,537 --> 00:43:05,887 "Dear Ziploc, thank you for your poop bag reply. 833 00:43:05,931 --> 00:43:09,021 After a close examination of the Ziploc bags, 834 00:43:09,064 --> 00:43:10,196 I have now keenly noticed 835 00:43:10,239 --> 00:43:12,590 they are also being used for marijuana. 836 00:43:15,244 --> 00:43:16,637 This is unacceptable to me 837 00:43:16,681 --> 00:43:20,685 as one who actually uses your bags for sandwiches. 838 00:43:20,728 --> 00:43:23,688 Am I the only one left? 839 00:43:23,731 --> 00:43:27,126 Who's really using your bags for sandwiches? Not moms. 840 00:43:27,169 --> 00:43:30,520 Not office workers. It's junkies and poop people. 841 00:43:30,564 --> 00:43:32,392 I'm having trouble eating my sandwich. 842 00:43:32,435 --> 00:43:33,480 Sorry, Ted." 843 00:43:33,523 --> 00:43:37,092 Junkies and poop people, oh my! 844 00:43:47,537 --> 00:43:49,322 All gone. 845 00:43:49,365 --> 00:43:53,500 Um, excuse me? This is the announcer. 846 00:43:53,543 --> 00:43:55,067 What time does Ralphs close? 847 00:43:55,110 --> 00:43:57,330 "Dear Topps Baseball Card company, 848 00:43:57,373 --> 00:44:00,899 in 1960, I was an employee of a hotel in Miami Beach 849 00:44:00,942 --> 00:44:02,988 where Mickey Mantle was staying. 850 00:44:03,031 --> 00:44:04,990 I was summoned to Mr. Mantle's room 851 00:44:05,033 --> 00:44:06,600 to deliver room service to him. 852 00:44:06,644 --> 00:44:09,516 He ordered an egg salad sandwich. 853 00:44:09,559 --> 00:44:11,736 As I was setting up the room service tray, 854 00:44:11,779 --> 00:44:14,739 I noticed Mr. Mantle clipping his toenails. 855 00:44:14,782 --> 00:44:18,046 I'll never forget it as long as I live. 856 00:44:18,090 --> 00:44:22,529 I watched out of the corner of my eye as he clipped every toe. 857 00:44:25,184 --> 00:44:26,925 He had trouble with the last nail, 858 00:44:26,968 --> 00:44:29,710 but eventually his diligence paid off. 859 00:44:35,411 --> 00:44:37,370 At that moment, the telephone rang." 860 00:44:40,155 --> 00:44:42,027 - Hello? - Hi, Mickey. 861 00:44:42,070 --> 00:44:44,072 - What are you doing? - Hey, baby. 862 00:44:44,116 --> 00:44:47,467 Leave the egg salad sandwich. 863 00:44:47,510 --> 00:44:49,469 I'll eat it later. 864 00:44:52,211 --> 00:44:53,560 "After Mr. Mantle left the room, 865 00:44:53,603 --> 00:44:56,041 I sat down and secured all the toenails 866 00:44:56,084 --> 00:44:58,043 that had been clipped off. 867 00:44:58,086 --> 00:44:59,827 There are almost ten toenails. 868 00:44:59,871 --> 00:45:02,700 Nine and some shavings, but a full set. 869 00:45:02,743 --> 00:45:05,354 I wanna donate this collection to your card company. 870 00:45:05,398 --> 00:45:08,096 Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy." 871 00:45:08,140 --> 00:45:11,317 Topps baseball card company was so impressed with the idea 872 00:45:11,360 --> 00:45:13,449 of such a collection that they sent my letter on 873 00:45:13,493 --> 00:45:15,016 to the Hall of Fame. 874 00:45:15,060 --> 00:45:17,584 And can you believe it? The Hall of Fame wrote me back. 875 00:45:17,627 --> 00:45:20,892 Dear Mr. Nancy, we're very interested in your story 876 00:45:20,935 --> 00:45:22,415 of the Mickey Mantle toenails, 877 00:45:22,458 --> 00:45:25,200 and how you obtained them in Miami Beach in 1960 878 00:45:25,244 --> 00:45:26,636 while delivering room service. 879 00:45:26,680 --> 00:45:28,987 This is a fascinating tale, and we'd be interested 880 00:45:29,030 --> 00:45:31,641 in examining them before we reach any decision. 881 00:45:31,685 --> 00:45:34,601 Thank you for thinking of the historical importance 882 00:45:34,644 --> 00:45:38,431 of these items. Sincerely, Peter Clark, registrar." 883 00:45:38,474 --> 00:45:40,955 I wonder what Mickey Mantle's nails could be worth. 884 00:45:40,999 --> 00:45:43,305 I'm gonna ask my nephew Rudy to help me. 885 00:45:43,349 --> 00:45:45,873 He likes baseball and toe nails. 886 00:45:45,917 --> 00:45:47,570 He wanted to get insurance for the nails 887 00:45:47,614 --> 00:45:49,268 in case something happened to them on the way 888 00:45:49,311 --> 00:45:51,139 to the Hall of Fame. 889 00:45:51,183 --> 00:45:55,361 These are Mickey Mantle's toenails. 890 00:45:55,404 --> 00:45:57,406 And we need them insured. 891 00:45:57,450 --> 00:46:00,235 Because they're gonna end up in the Hall of Fame, 892 00:46:00,279 --> 00:46:03,804 with your help. Paul, what do you think each toe is worth? 893 00:46:03,848 --> 00:46:06,415 I don't know, I'm not an appraiser. 894 00:46:06,459 --> 00:46:08,113 But... 895 00:46:09,549 --> 00:46:11,072 See how many we have. 896 00:46:11,116 --> 00:46:13,466 Four, five, six, seven, eight... 897 00:46:13,509 --> 00:46:16,686 Two, four, six, eight... we have a full set. 898 00:46:16,730 --> 00:46:19,472 It's a full set. Plus, shavings. 899 00:46:19,515 --> 00:46:20,995 What is your uncle's name? 900 00:46:21,039 --> 00:46:26,479 Ted L. Nancy. Just like it sounds. 901 00:46:26,522 --> 00:46:29,003 He has a lime in his appendix. 902 00:46:31,049 --> 00:46:34,487 $25,000 contents, $100,000 liability... 903 00:46:34,530 --> 00:46:36,489 Rudy's on his way to Cooperstown. 904 00:46:36,532 --> 00:46:39,013 He put up a few signs, just in case the nails 905 00:46:39,057 --> 00:46:40,754 get into the Hall of Fame. 906 00:46:40,798 --> 00:46:42,277 I wonder if they'll get in. 907 00:46:42,321 --> 00:46:44,671 I have something that I think, 908 00:46:44,714 --> 00:46:48,370 I hope, that you may find interesting. 909 00:46:48,414 --> 00:46:51,373 Um, take a look at this letter. 910 00:46:52,374 --> 00:46:54,028 Remember that? 911 00:46:54,072 --> 00:46:56,552 If you like, you can read it out loud. 912 00:46:56,596 --> 00:46:58,032 "We are very interested in your story 913 00:46:58,076 --> 00:47:00,905 of the Mickey Mantle toenails and how you obtained them 914 00:47:00,948 --> 00:47:04,604 in Miami Beach in 1960 while delivering room service. 915 00:47:04,647 --> 00:47:05,997 Sincerely, Peter Clark." 916 00:47:06,040 --> 00:47:08,826 - That's you. - That's me. 917 00:47:08,869 --> 00:47:11,916 - Look at this, Mr. Clark. - My gosh. 918 00:47:11,959 --> 00:47:14,440 - Isn't that wonderful? - Look at that. 919 00:47:14,483 --> 00:47:16,181 Each toenail's at a position. 920 00:47:16,224 --> 00:47:17,747 - Wow. - This nail's the pitcher, 921 00:47:17,791 --> 00:47:20,402 this is third base, that's the big toe 922 00:47:20,446 --> 00:47:21,751 - on second base. - That looks great. 923 00:47:21,795 --> 00:47:24,624 Ready to turn a double play. I have some ideas. 924 00:47:24,667 --> 00:47:26,017 What would... where would you think they would go? 925 00:47:26,060 --> 00:47:29,411 Well, we have, as you might know, 926 00:47:29,455 --> 00:47:32,458 Ty Cobb's dentures, which are on view 927 00:47:32,501 --> 00:47:34,460 - up in the museum right now. - All right. 928 00:47:34,503 --> 00:47:35,983 Cob Webb was one of my favorite ball players. 929 00:47:36,027 --> 00:47:37,419 - Cob Webb was? - Yeah. 930 00:47:37,463 --> 00:47:40,248 - He was a great guy. - He's a great guy. 931 00:47:40,292 --> 00:47:43,425 I... was wondering if... 932 00:47:43,469 --> 00:47:46,602 if this could be enshrined here in the Baseball Hall of Fame. 933 00:47:46,646 --> 00:47:49,257 This would be... this would just make our collection. 934 00:47:49,301 --> 00:47:51,869 - Really? - This could be... 935 00:47:51,912 --> 00:47:54,872 the defining moment for the Hall of Fame right here. 936 00:47:54,915 --> 00:47:57,265 This is a dream come true for myself 937 00:47:57,309 --> 00:48:00,878 and I will speak for my uncle, Mr. Ted Nancy. 938 00:48:00,921 --> 00:48:02,880 - Great. - And thank you so much. 939 00:48:02,923 --> 00:48:04,969 - I wish I could meet him myself. - Thank you so much. 940 00:48:45,357 --> 00:48:47,054 This is Tim. Have you ever thought about 941 00:48:47,098 --> 00:48:48,708 a reverse mortgage? 942 00:48:48,751 --> 00:48:51,145 Live in your own home and get cash every month. 943 00:48:51,189 --> 00:48:52,930 Is Mrs. Pagliacci there? 944 00:48:59,023 --> 00:49:01,416 This is a government program for depressed clowns. 945 00:49:01,460 --> 00:49:04,245 Do you like mangos? Do you have teeth? 946 00:49:04,289 --> 00:49:05,899 Are your gums swollen? 947 00:49:05,943 --> 00:49:08,249 Hector! 948 00:49:12,036 --> 00:49:14,647 We got them both off Angie's List. 949 00:49:22,916 --> 00:49:25,658 Let me make my way out here with you fine folks again 950 00:49:25,701 --> 00:49:28,574 and I hope you're enjoying this as much as I am. 951 00:49:28,617 --> 00:49:30,054 Because I think you guys are great, 952 00:49:30,097 --> 00:49:32,447 and it's nice to hear your laughter. 953 00:49:33,274 --> 00:49:35,102 It's nice... 954 00:49:35,146 --> 00:49:38,149 Uh, it's a beautiful thing for someone to laugh 955 00:49:38,192 --> 00:49:40,542 and, you know, there's so much crime in the world, 956 00:49:40,586 --> 00:49:42,544 so it's nice to make people laugh. 957 00:49:42,588 --> 00:49:44,024 Right, I thought, you know, maybe I'll write 958 00:49:44,068 --> 00:49:46,113 to a comedy club, why not open a comedy club 959 00:49:46,157 --> 00:49:47,941 because there's too much crime going on. 960 00:49:47,985 --> 00:49:49,464 I stopped at a 7-Eleven on the way in tonight. 961 00:49:49,508 --> 00:49:52,119 There was a little sticker on the register at 7-Eleven. 962 00:49:52,163 --> 00:49:53,816 "Clerk has no money." 963 00:49:53,860 --> 00:49:56,254 Of course he has no money, he's working at 7-Eleven. 964 00:49:58,386 --> 00:50:01,172 They have to embarrass him too? 965 00:50:01,215 --> 00:50:03,174 How about a sign, "Clerk has no car, 966 00:50:03,217 --> 00:50:06,525 no followers or friends," or "Clerk has no CVS points." 967 00:50:06,568 --> 00:50:08,048 Nothing, he's got nothing. 968 00:50:08,092 --> 00:50:10,137 Then I'm watching a high-speed chase out here, 969 00:50:10,181 --> 00:50:12,618 I guess it was on the 405 a week or so ago. 970 00:50:12,661 --> 00:50:14,402 The guy must have been doing about 100 miles an hour 971 00:50:14,446 --> 00:50:17,014 and the police are chasing him. And he's on the freeway, 972 00:50:17,057 --> 00:50:19,016 this guy, and then he's off the freeway, 973 00:50:19,059 --> 00:50:21,148 he's on a side street, now he's back on the freeway. 974 00:50:21,192 --> 00:50:23,020 Now he's on a surface street. I'm saying, "Hey, hey, hey. 975 00:50:23,063 --> 00:50:25,109 I know this guy's a criminal. Say what you want about him, 976 00:50:25,152 --> 00:50:28,286 but he just showed me two new ways to get home." 977 00:50:32,855 --> 00:50:35,162 So I thought, why not open a comedy club, you know? 978 00:50:35,206 --> 00:50:37,121 Let's make, uh... let's make that happen. 979 00:50:37,164 --> 00:50:39,949 So I wrote to the, "Dear city of Glendale 980 00:50:39,993 --> 00:50:41,951 business licenses, can you tell me what happened 981 00:50:41,995 --> 00:50:44,519 to the application for my license for my comedy club, 982 00:50:44,563 --> 00:50:46,521 The Jokestrap? 983 00:50:47,827 --> 00:50:50,221 The Jokestrap is 17 tables in a mini mall. 984 00:50:50,264 --> 00:50:53,137 All comedy club food including fried cheese yums are on order. 985 00:50:53,180 --> 00:50:55,965 We may have burnt almond cheese straws. 986 00:50:56,009 --> 00:50:57,793 I hire locally and use local cheese. 987 00:50:57,837 --> 00:50:59,795 Respectfully, Ted L. Nancy." 988 00:50:59,839 --> 00:51:03,669 "City of Glendale, - The Jokestrap Comedy Club. 989 00:51:03,712 --> 00:51:06,150 Dear applicant, the Building Department has not received 990 00:51:06,193 --> 00:51:08,239 such an application regarding your business. 991 00:51:08,282 --> 00:51:10,937 Yours truly, License Department." 992 00:51:10,980 --> 00:51:12,417 "Dear City of Downey Business Licenses, 993 00:51:12,460 --> 00:51:15,028 it is been some time since I sent in my application 994 00:51:15,072 --> 00:51:17,465 for my comedy club Joke Itch. 995 00:51:19,989 --> 00:51:22,601 Joke Itch is 22 tables in an industrial area. 996 00:51:22,644 --> 00:51:24,907 All comedy club food including cheese yanks 997 00:51:24,951 --> 00:51:26,648 and cheese squats are on order. 998 00:51:26,692 --> 00:51:30,652 May be under earlier name of Joke Ointment. 999 00:51:30,696 --> 00:51:32,306 I admire your city. 1000 00:51:32,350 --> 00:51:35,004 I once yelled out the name Ricardo there in a crowd. 1001 00:51:36,484 --> 00:51:38,269 We have already hired our headlining act, 1002 00:51:38,312 --> 00:51:40,488 Tickles the Diseased Clown. 1003 00:51:40,532 --> 00:51:42,403 Respectfully, Ted L. Nancy." 1004 00:51:42,447 --> 00:51:46,364 "City of Downey. Dear Mr. Nancy, 1005 00:51:46,407 --> 00:51:48,888 unfortunately the city of Downey has no existing records 1006 00:51:48,931 --> 00:51:50,933 for an application of a business license 1007 00:51:50,977 --> 00:51:54,807 for the comedy club Joke Itch or Joke Ointment. 1008 00:51:54,850 --> 00:51:57,897 Sincerely, City Licenses." 1009 00:51:57,940 --> 00:52:00,334 "Business Licenses, City of Norwalk. 1010 00:52:00,378 --> 00:52:02,728 Can you tell me what happened to my application 1011 00:52:02,771 --> 00:52:03,859 for my business license? 1012 00:52:03,903 --> 00:52:06,166 I own a comedy club called Jesticles. 1013 00:52:08,908 --> 00:52:12,781 Jesticles is 150-seat comedy club on a freeway off-ramp. 1014 00:52:15,262 --> 00:52:16,742 Our opening headliner is Fumbles, 1015 00:52:16,785 --> 00:52:20,180 the Fire-Juggling Epileptic Clown. 1016 00:52:20,224 --> 00:52:22,443 You cashed my check. We don't sell cheese. 1017 00:52:22,487 --> 00:52:24,184 Respectfully, Ted L. Nancy." 1018 00:52:24,228 --> 00:52:26,404 "City of Norwalk... 1019 00:52:29,102 --> 00:52:31,670 Jesticles. Dear business owner, 1020 00:52:31,713 --> 00:52:34,412 I don't believe that you filed a business license application 1021 00:52:34,455 --> 00:52:36,065 with the city of Norwalk. 1022 00:52:36,109 --> 00:52:37,850 I checked our files and I found no record 1023 00:52:37,893 --> 00:52:42,202 of an application for a comedy club named Jesticles. 1024 00:52:42,246 --> 00:52:46,902 Sincerely, License Department, City of Norwalk." 1025 00:52:46,946 --> 00:52:49,035 Jesticles, ha! 1026 00:53:01,743 --> 00:53:04,920 "Dear Faårup Sommerland theme park in Saltum, Denmark. 1027 00:53:04,964 --> 00:53:07,967 I am trying to locate my mother. 1028 00:53:08,010 --> 00:53:09,490 I understand you have an employee working 1029 00:53:09,534 --> 00:53:11,144 in your theme park professionally known 1030 00:53:11,188 --> 00:53:14,539 as Dyna the Mighty Mite, real first name is Gloria. 1031 00:53:14,582 --> 00:53:17,194 She is part of the performing Squeak Family of which 1032 00:53:17,237 --> 00:53:18,760 Peepo the Wonder Squirt is her husband. 1033 00:53:18,804 --> 00:53:21,502 She once belched up a crouton in your parking lot. 1034 00:53:21,546 --> 00:53:25,071 She eats herring, has a freckle that looks like Michael Bublé. 1035 00:53:30,555 --> 00:53:33,340 She does manatee imitations. Her catch phrase is, 1036 00:53:33,384 --> 00:53:36,952 "I got a, I got a, I got a bad itch on my scalp." 1037 00:53:36,996 --> 00:53:38,302 We have her fungus cream. 1038 00:53:38,345 --> 00:53:40,217 Is my mother working at your theme park? 1039 00:53:40,260 --> 00:53:41,914 Maybe at the Crumb Club. 1040 00:53:41,957 --> 00:53:43,829 Thank you, Faårup Sommerland, for caring for others 1041 00:53:43,872 --> 00:53:46,571 and helping others with people for others in matters. 1042 00:53:46,614 --> 00:53:49,400 Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy." 1043 00:53:49,443 --> 00:53:51,924 "Dear Mr. Nancy, we have received your letter 1044 00:53:51,967 --> 00:53:53,273 regarding our mother. 1045 00:53:53,317 --> 00:53:55,188 Unfortunately, we are not able to help you out 1046 00:53:55,232 --> 00:53:56,798 as we have never heard about her. 1047 00:53:56,842 --> 00:53:59,148 We do not have that kind of performance in our park 1048 00:53:59,192 --> 00:54:01,194 and all of our employees are Danish. 1049 00:54:01,238 --> 00:54:02,674 I hope you will be successful 1050 00:54:02,717 --> 00:54:04,066 in finding your mother somewhere else. 1051 00:54:04,110 --> 00:54:07,505 Best regards, Faårup Sommerland Guest Relations." 1052 00:54:09,507 --> 00:54:11,465 Excuse me, this is the announcer again. 1053 00:54:11,509 --> 00:54:15,295 Anyone know if there's a Ralphs in Woodland Hills? 1054 00:54:18,124 --> 00:54:20,387 Took a plane recently. I fly coach. 1055 00:54:20,431 --> 00:54:22,302 Getting a little cramped there in coach. 1056 00:54:22,346 --> 00:54:25,436 The, uh, the rows are just so pressed together. 1057 00:54:25,479 --> 00:54:26,872 I mean, it's ridiculous. You're sitting-- 1058 00:54:26,915 --> 00:54:28,526 There's no legroom anyway, but you're sitting there, 1059 00:54:28,569 --> 00:54:30,397 the guy in the row in front of you leans back, 1060 00:54:30,441 --> 00:54:33,313 his head becomes your whole trip. 1061 00:54:33,357 --> 00:54:35,315 "Oh, I'm eating now with your head. 1062 00:54:35,359 --> 00:54:37,317 Maybe I'll have a drink and read a magazine 1063 00:54:37,361 --> 00:54:39,319 with your head." 1064 00:54:39,363 --> 00:54:41,321 They now have luggage stores at the airport. 1065 00:54:41,365 --> 00:54:43,497 Who is home packing forgetting this, huh? 1066 00:54:43,541 --> 00:54:45,238 "Let's see, I have my underwear and my socks 1067 00:54:45,282 --> 00:54:46,500 and my toiletries. 1068 00:54:46,544 --> 00:54:48,894 I'll just scoop this stuff up in my arms 1069 00:54:48,937 --> 00:54:50,504 and get on the plane. 1070 00:54:50,548 --> 00:54:52,071 I hope I don't drop my underwear off in the aisle 1071 00:54:52,114 --> 00:54:54,856 while I'm looking for my seat." 1072 00:54:54,900 --> 00:54:58,599 "Dear Armour Meats, I want to take a 59-foot-by-22-foot 1073 00:54:58,643 --> 00:55:01,472 baloney on the plane with me. Will it fit in the overhead bin? 1074 00:55:01,515 --> 00:55:03,125 I need this baloney to arrive in one piece. 1075 00:55:03,169 --> 00:55:06,303 Southwest Fun Jet C Group boarding. 1076 00:55:06,346 --> 00:55:08,653 I think a hot baloney in a hot plane in the hot sun 1077 00:55:08,696 --> 00:55:10,307 is not such a good idea. Huh? 1078 00:55:10,350 --> 00:55:12,570 Hey, what time is it there in Nampa? 1079 00:55:12,613 --> 00:55:15,007 It's 3:00 here. Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy, 1080 00:55:15,050 --> 00:55:17,270 - Meat Chair Committee." -"Dear Mr. Nancy, 1081 00:55:17,314 --> 00:55:19,881 I'm sorry to say, but we do not make baloney at this plant. 1082 00:55:19,925 --> 00:55:21,492 I think that you may have your measurements wrong. 1083 00:55:21,535 --> 00:55:27,411 A baloney 59-feet-by-22-feet would weigh 60,000 pounds. 1084 00:55:27,454 --> 00:55:30,196 We wish you luck. Human resource manager." 1085 00:55:40,337 --> 00:55:42,339 "Dear Colorado Belle Casino Lost And Found. 1086 00:55:42,382 --> 00:55:44,297 I was visiting your casino recently 1087 00:55:44,341 --> 00:55:47,344 as part of a semi-large to full midsize group. 1088 00:55:47,387 --> 00:55:49,389 In my visit, I was distracted, confused, 1089 00:55:49,433 --> 00:55:50,695 and lost from my group. 1090 00:55:50,738 --> 00:55:53,219 Did you find a bag of otter hair? 1091 00:55:53,262 --> 00:55:55,264 This hair is used as a second coat of hair 1092 00:55:55,308 --> 00:55:57,266 for my 40-year-old otter, Louis. 1093 00:55:57,310 --> 00:55:59,660 The hair is grayish, brownish, yellowish, 1094 00:55:59,704 --> 00:56:01,445 with reddish striping. It was in a pinkish, 1095 00:56:01,488 --> 00:56:03,534 blueish, greenish bag. 1096 00:56:03,577 --> 00:56:05,187 I hope that's not confusing. 1097 00:56:05,231 --> 00:56:06,754 I am concerned my bag of otter hair 1098 00:56:06,798 --> 00:56:09,061 will end up in the wrong hands. Ted L. Nancy." 1099 00:56:09,104 --> 00:56:11,759 "Mr. Nancy, I'm sorry we haven't been able 1100 00:56:11,803 --> 00:56:13,413 to locate your bag of otter hair. 1101 00:56:13,457 --> 00:56:17,330 Sincerely, Wilma, Lost And Found." 1102 00:56:17,374 --> 00:56:23,467 It's probably in the dump. 1103 00:56:23,510 --> 00:56:25,730 "Office of the Prime Minister of Greenland. 1104 00:56:25,773 --> 00:56:27,427 Dear Prime Minister Kuupik Kleist, 1105 00:56:27,471 --> 00:56:29,255 just a note to say that you are the best president 1106 00:56:29,298 --> 00:56:31,910 of a foreign country I have ever seen. I admire you. 1107 00:56:31,953 --> 00:56:33,781 And so do all members of our men's group 1108 00:56:33,825 --> 00:56:35,783 that is made up of Greenlandians. 1109 00:56:35,827 --> 00:56:37,611 There are 72 of us, 1110 00:56:37,655 --> 00:56:41,398 71 over age 50 and one who is 18 in November. 1111 00:56:41,441 --> 00:56:44,009 We admire Greenland and what it means 1112 00:56:44,052 --> 00:56:46,185 to be surrounded by all that ice. 1113 00:56:46,228 --> 00:56:47,926 Without ice, what would we have? 1114 00:56:47,969 --> 00:56:51,408 We would have no snow cones, no ice machines in hotels, 1115 00:56:51,451 --> 00:56:53,235 no names for rappers. 1116 00:56:55,324 --> 00:56:57,457 Nothing to chew on after we drink a beverage. 1117 00:56:57,501 --> 00:56:59,416 Imagine a whole nation without ice. 1118 00:56:59,459 --> 00:57:00,808 Freshen my drink. 1119 00:57:00,852 --> 00:57:02,462 Can you please send us an autographed picture 1120 00:57:02,506 --> 00:57:04,333 that we could put up over our refrigerator 1121 00:57:04,377 --> 00:57:05,944 so every time we open the freezer door 1122 00:57:05,987 --> 00:57:09,121 and get a blast of cold air we are reminded of you? 1123 00:57:09,164 --> 00:57:11,558 With utter respect, Ted L. Nancy." 1124 00:57:48,421 --> 00:57:50,728 "Dear Mr. Nancy, 1125 00:57:50,771 --> 00:57:53,078 thank you for your letter 1126 00:57:53,121 --> 00:57:56,951 and your interest in Greenlandic matters. 1127 00:57:56,995 --> 00:57:59,388 I am glad to send you here 1128 00:57:59,432 --> 00:58:04,872 a signed picture of Premier Kuupik Kleist. 1129 00:58:05,612 --> 00:58:08,049 Mm... 1130 00:58:08,093 --> 00:58:10,095 Yours sincerely, 1131 00:58:10,138 --> 00:58:12,880 Assistant to Mr. Kleist." 1132 00:58:18,190 --> 00:58:20,409 Little kisses! Mm! 1133 00:58:20,453 --> 00:58:22,194 Mm! Mm! 1134 00:58:57,664 --> 00:59:00,362 Well, we're at the one-third mark. 1135 00:59:01,712 --> 00:59:04,584 Get you out of here about midnight tonight. 1136 00:59:04,628 --> 00:59:06,020 Cushion crunch? More deodorant coupons. 1137 00:59:06,064 --> 00:59:08,588 Everyone's gonna get a deodorant coupon. 1138 00:59:08,632 --> 00:59:09,850 "Dear Sbicca Shoes, 1139 00:59:09,894 --> 00:59:12,592 I am in the process of opening Ba-Nannys. 1140 00:59:12,636 --> 00:59:16,422 This is nanny wear that is bright yellow like a banana. 1141 00:59:16,465 --> 00:59:17,858 You will know that a nanny is in the room 1142 00:59:17,902 --> 00:59:19,773 when she is dressed from head to toe in bright yellow. 1143 00:59:19,817 --> 00:59:21,166 You go, 'Oh, it must be the nanny. 1144 00:59:21,209 --> 00:59:23,429 She looks like a banana.' 1145 00:59:23,472 --> 00:59:25,474 Could be some green on top like the stem. 1146 00:59:25,518 --> 00:59:28,216 I need bright yellow shoes. Respectfully, Ted L. Nancy." 1147 00:59:28,260 --> 00:59:30,610 "Hello. Could you send us an example 1148 00:59:30,654 --> 00:59:33,787 of what you're thinking of? Thank you, Sean." 1149 00:59:39,837 --> 00:59:41,621 "Dear Sean, thank you for getting back to me 1150 00:59:41,665 --> 00:59:45,059 on my Ba-Nanny shoes. I now own Waiter-Melons. 1151 00:59:45,103 --> 00:59:47,496 This is uniforms for the waiter industry that are bright red 1152 00:59:47,540 --> 00:59:49,586 with black seeds on them like a watermelon. 1153 00:59:51,892 --> 00:59:53,415 You will know that a waiter is in the room 1154 00:59:53,459 --> 00:59:55,287 when he is dressed from head to toe like a watermelon. 1155 00:59:55,330 --> 00:59:56,810 You go, 'Oh, it must be the waiter, 1156 00:59:56,854 --> 00:59:59,073 he looks like a watermelon.' 1157 00:59:59,117 --> 01:00:02,381 Possibly some green on the top like a rind, but I am open. 1158 01:00:02,424 --> 01:00:04,165 Ted." 1159 01:00:15,089 --> 01:00:17,178 Jackpot! 1160 01:00:22,357 --> 01:00:24,229 "Dear Health Guard, I love your toilet seat covers. 1161 01:00:24,272 --> 01:00:27,101 They make great cowboy hats. 1162 01:00:27,145 --> 01:00:29,103 You pop out the top, put 'em on your head, 1163 01:00:29,147 --> 01:00:31,410 you're ready for line dancing. 1164 01:00:33,368 --> 01:00:35,457 I'm thinking of moving to Rangoon. What do you think? 1165 01:00:35,501 --> 01:00:37,982 Thanks for making the best toilet seat cover out there. 1166 01:00:38,025 --> 01:00:40,027 I tell everyone who sits on a toilet seat. 1167 01:00:40,071 --> 01:00:43,814 Some listen. I was punched once on a bus. 1168 01:00:43,857 --> 01:00:45,467 Respectfully, Ted L. Nancy." 1169 01:00:45,511 --> 01:00:50,211 "Dear Mr. Nancy, just a note to say thank you. 1170 01:00:50,255 --> 01:00:53,867 We appreciate any feedback we get from the users. 1171 01:00:53,911 --> 01:00:59,307 Enclosed please find a sample for your use. 1172 01:00:59,351 --> 01:01:02,484 Sincerely, vice president of Health Guard." 1173 01:01:28,249 --> 01:01:29,860 "Dear Poetry Contest, 1174 01:01:29,903 --> 01:01:32,340 I want to enter your poetry contest and win that prize. 1175 01:01:32,384 --> 01:01:33,777 Here is my poem. 1176 01:01:33,820 --> 01:01:36,605 'My Hate for Poetry Contests'... 1177 01:01:38,042 --> 01:01:39,521 by Ted L. Nancy. 1178 01:01:39,565 --> 01:01:44,265 Oh, how I hate poetry contests They disgust me to no end 1179 01:01:44,309 --> 01:01:47,747 Those wretched poetry contests I enter again and again 1180 01:01:47,791 --> 01:01:51,011 Oh, how I hate poetry contests I know I'll never win 1181 01:01:51,055 --> 01:01:53,405 But I know I must send my poem in again 1182 01:01:53,448 --> 01:01:54,667 And try once more to do this 1183 01:01:54,711 --> 01:01:56,800 Hello, darkness, my old friend" 1184 01:01:59,672 --> 01:02:03,110 "Dear Ted, congratulations! 1185 01:02:03,154 --> 01:02:05,722 Your poem, 'My Hate for Poetry Contests,' 1186 01:02:05,765 --> 01:02:09,856 has been chosen for publication! 1187 01:02:09,900 --> 01:02:11,858 The judges gave careful consideration 1188 01:02:11,902 --> 01:02:13,904 when it came to choosing the best poems. 1189 01:02:13,947 --> 01:02:17,908 And your work was selected." 1190 01:02:17,951 --> 01:02:20,780 I can't even stop 'em. I can't stop 'em. 1191 01:02:20,824 --> 01:02:22,434 - Don't stop 'em. - "Here is your chance 1192 01:02:22,477 --> 01:02:26,394 to own 'My Hate for Poetry Contests' in print. 1193 01:02:26,438 --> 01:02:29,267 After all, what is the point of writing poetry at all, 1194 01:02:29,310 --> 01:02:32,096 if it can't be read and felt by those people 1195 01:02:32,139 --> 01:02:33,575 that are most important to you? 1196 01:02:33,619 --> 01:02:37,492 Sincerely, the International Library of Poetry." 1197 01:02:37,536 --> 01:02:38,929 "Dear Poetry Contest peoples, 1198 01:02:38,972 --> 01:02:41,279 I am refining my poem that I have entered before. 1199 01:02:41,322 --> 01:02:43,498 It is now to where I want it. Here it is: 1200 01:02:43,542 --> 01:02:48,112 'Why I Really Hate Poetry Contests' by Ted L. Nancy. 1201 01:02:48,155 --> 01:02:50,157 Oh, how I really hate poetry contests 1202 01:02:50,201 --> 01:02:53,073 They keep sending you crap through the mail 1203 01:02:53,117 --> 01:02:54,640 Oh, I can't stand to receive junk 1204 01:02:54,683 --> 01:02:58,296 From poetry contests anymore They turn my stomach no end 1205 01:02:58,339 --> 01:03:00,515 Oh, these stupid poetry contests 1206 01:03:00,559 --> 01:03:03,257 They just want you to buy their book 1207 01:03:03,301 --> 01:03:06,173 I have to make a doody now 1208 01:03:06,217 --> 01:03:08,610 Hello, darkness, my old friend 1209 01:03:08,654 --> 01:03:11,570 I am the poetry man I just want to go to the trash 1210 01:03:11,613 --> 01:03:12,745 And chuck it 1211 01:03:12,789 --> 01:03:14,791 There was an old lady from Nantucket 1212 01:03:14,834 --> 01:03:18,055 I can rhyme orange If I use car hinge" 1213 01:03:19,665 --> 01:03:24,626 "Dear Ted, congratulations! 1214 01:03:24,670 --> 01:03:28,239 Your poem, 'Why I Really Hate Poetry Contests,' 1215 01:03:28,282 --> 01:03:32,199 has been selected as one of our semifinalists, 1216 01:03:32,243 --> 01:03:35,246 based on its originality and creativity. 1217 01:03:35,289 --> 01:03:39,685 Congratulations!" 1218 01:03:41,556 --> 01:03:44,255 "Dear Poetry Contest, I have revised my poem again. 1219 01:03:44,298 --> 01:03:46,039 It is now really down to where I want it to be. 1220 01:03:46,083 --> 01:03:48,912 'Why I'm Going to Jump 1221 01:03:48,955 --> 01:03:53,090 Off a 30-Story Building Because of Your Poetry Contests,' 1222 01:03:53,133 --> 01:03:54,308 by Ted L. Nancy. 1223 01:03:54,352 --> 01:03:56,006 Oh, I'm going to jump off a building 1224 01:03:56,049 --> 01:03:57,485 Because of your poetry contest 1225 01:03:57,529 --> 01:04:00,097 I can't take any more of your mail to me 1226 01:04:00,140 --> 01:04:03,187 Oh, I shake every time your junk comes to my door 1227 01:04:03,230 --> 01:04:06,103 I'm gonna throw myself off a big building 1228 01:04:06,146 --> 01:04:09,758 Down, down, down Down to the floor 1229 01:04:09,802 --> 01:04:11,978 Because of you I will jump This is the end 1230 01:04:12,022 --> 01:04:14,807 I will splatter all over like a cream pie 1231 01:04:14,851 --> 01:04:19,203 Then it will surely be Hello, darkness, my old friend 1232 01:04:19,246 --> 01:04:22,380 Could you please leave a mattress on the sidewalk?" 1233 01:04:22,423 --> 01:04:27,602 "After carefully reading and discussing your poem, 1234 01:04:27,646 --> 01:04:31,345 our selection committee has certified your poem 1235 01:04:31,389 --> 01:04:32,956 as a semifinalist. 1236 01:04:32,999 --> 01:04:35,132 Ted, imagine your poem featured 1237 01:04:35,175 --> 01:04:37,656 in a beautiful coffee table edition, 1238 01:04:37,699 --> 01:04:40,702 and commemorated with a walnut plaque. 1239 01:04:40,746 --> 01:04:43,575 We are pleased that 'Why I'm Going to Jump Off a 30-Story 1240 01:04:43,618 --> 01:04:45,838 Building Because of Your Poetry Contests' 1241 01:04:45,882 --> 01:04:48,275 will achieve national recognition. 1242 01:04:48,319 --> 01:04:50,974 If you are dissatisfied, your money will be promptly refunded. 1243 01:04:52,497 --> 01:04:56,196 Sincerely, the International Library of Poetry." 1244 01:04:56,240 --> 01:04:59,852 Ted, congratulations! 1245 01:04:59,896 --> 01:05:04,117 Ted, here you go. Look what we have for you. 1246 01:05:04,161 --> 01:05:07,077 - Congratulations, Ted! - Oh, my God! 1247 01:05:15,781 --> 01:05:18,262 Thank you guys! 1248 01:05:20,133 --> 01:05:22,135 Thank you so much! Thank you! 1249 01:05:22,179 --> 01:05:24,529 Give it up for Barry! 1250 01:05:24,572 --> 01:05:27,924 Thank you guys! Thank you guys! 1251 01:05:27,967 --> 01:05:29,621 Whoo! 1252 01:05:29,664 --> 01:05:32,450 All right, let's have a little bow here, shall we? 1253 01:05:34,365 --> 01:05:37,324 Thank you guys! Give it up for the booth! 1254 01:05:37,368 --> 01:05:40,806 Carl! 1255 01:05:47,813 --> 01:05:50,337 Is anyone going to Woodland Hills? 1256 01:06:19,018 --> 01:06:22,282 "Dear Fritos... 1257 01:06:22,326 --> 01:06:26,199 it has been some time since I wrote to you. 1258 01:06:26,243 --> 01:06:27,853 All issues have been corrected. 1259 01:06:27,896 --> 01:06:29,507 Andy! 1260 01:06:29,550 --> 01:06:33,641 Except one. I still bark out men's names when agitated. 1261 01:06:33,685 --> 01:06:35,165 Windex! 1262 01:06:35,208 --> 01:06:39,082 It has gotten worse. I now yell out cleaning products. 1263 01:06:39,125 --> 01:06:42,041 I am sorry. Lime-A-Way! 1264 01:06:42,085 --> 01:06:44,217 Forgive me. 1265 01:06:44,261 --> 01:06:48,613 Overall, though, things have been pretty good for me. 1266 01:06:48,656 --> 01:06:52,269 I got to do this play and people seem to like it. 1267 01:06:52,312 --> 01:06:54,227 They laugh and enjoy themselves. 1268 01:06:54,271 --> 01:06:56,708 In the end, that's what really matters. 1269 01:06:56,751 --> 01:07:00,190 Huh? I am still with my lady friend Phyllis. 1270 01:07:00,233 --> 01:07:02,540 I am not her fiancé, though. 1271 01:07:02,583 --> 01:07:05,456 She now considers me a person of interest. 1272 01:07:05,499 --> 01:07:07,806 I put this woman on a pedestal, Fritos. 1273 01:07:07,849 --> 01:07:09,286 She is on a pedestal. 1274 01:07:09,329 --> 01:07:11,853 I think it was a pedestal. It could have been a curb. 1275 01:07:11,897 --> 01:07:15,074 I just remember lifting her up and driving away. 1276 01:07:15,118 --> 01:07:18,991 Thank you, Fritos, thank you for starting it all. 1277 01:07:19,035 --> 01:07:22,603 Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy." 1278 01:07:37,662 --> 01:07:42,623 ♪ Stack of letters lying by the phone ♪ 1279 01:07:42,667 --> 01:07:45,887 ♪ Don't call me back 'cause I ain't alone ♪ 1280 01:07:45,931 --> 01:07:49,848 ♪ Stack of letters that I never sent ♪ 1281 01:07:49,891 --> 01:07:54,679 ♪ Love, lies, and curses that I never meant ♪ 1282 01:07:54,722 --> 01:07:56,768 ♪ Well, the "used to beens" and "could have bes" ♪ 1283 01:07:56,811 --> 01:07:58,726 ♪ And I ain't got no more 1284 01:07:58,770 --> 01:08:02,687 ♪ Wrestling with the memory Down on the bathroom floor ♪ 1285 01:08:02,730 --> 01:08:06,386 ♪ Rubber balls and rubber rooms and rubbers left unwrapped ♪ 1286 01:08:06,430 --> 01:08:10,651 ♪ Rapping with the memory that left my memory tapped ♪ 1287 01:08:10,695 --> 01:08:15,352 ♪ Stack of letters lying by the phone ♪ 1288 01:08:15,395 --> 01:08:18,529 ♪ Don't call me back because I ain't alone ♪ 1289 01:08:18,572 --> 01:08:22,663 ♪ Stack of letters that I never sent ♪ 1290 01:08:22,707 --> 01:08:26,928 ♪ Love, lies, and curses that I never meant ♪ 1291 01:08:26,972 --> 01:08:30,410 ♪ Tornados and hurricanes and blizzards deep and white ♪ 1292 01:08:30,454 --> 01:08:34,371 ♪ I made my deliverance deep in the dark of night ♪ 1293 01:08:34,414 --> 01:08:36,155 ♪ But someone sealed the envelope ♪ 1294 01:08:36,199 --> 01:08:37,939 ♪ That I once thought was mine ♪ 1295 01:08:37,983 --> 01:08:42,379 ♪ Postdated all our love that I once thought sublime ♪ 1296 01:08:42,422 --> 01:08:46,992 ♪ Stack of letters lying by the phone ♪ 1297 01:08:47,035 --> 01:08:50,517 ♪ Don't call me back 'cause I ain't alone ♪ 1298 01:08:50,561 --> 01:08:54,608 ♪ Stack of letters that I never sent ♪ 1299 01:08:54,652 --> 01:08:59,135 ♪ Love, lies, and curses that I never meant ♪ 1300 01:09:35,388 --> 01:09:39,305 ♪ Well, I bought a box Number 133 ♪ 1301 01:09:39,349 --> 01:09:41,264 ♪ It brings all my bills and chills ♪ 1302 01:09:41,307 --> 01:09:43,135 ♪ And thrills on home to me 1303 01:09:43,179 --> 01:09:46,834 ♪ Parcel post to COD I'm just a mystery ♪ 1304 01:09:46,878 --> 01:09:51,230 ♪ IOU and you owe me my anonymity ♪ 1305 01:09:51,274 --> 01:09:55,713 ♪ Stack of letters lying by the phone ♪ 1306 01:09:55,756 --> 01:09:58,933 ♪ Don't call me back 'cause I ain't alone ♪ 1307 01:09:58,977 --> 01:10:03,155 ♪ Stack of letters that I never sent ♪ 1308 01:10:03,199 --> 01:10:06,506 ♪ Love, lies, and curses that I never meant ♪ 1309 01:10:06,550 --> 01:10:08,769 ♪ And if I don't get back to you ♪ 1310 01:10:08,813 --> 01:10:11,511 ♪ It ain't no accident 1310 01:10:12,305 --> 01:11:12,164 Please rate this subtitle at www.osdb.link/7kppc Help other users to choose the best subtitles